Blonde & Blue (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #4)(95)

“I’m sure there is a reason,” Arys offered, attempting to provide some comfort. “We have only just begun to realize what we can do together. We were bound before you were even born. Nothing was going to change that. But, I have to admit, sometimes I wish I hadn’t blood bonded you. It’s tainted you with parts of me that you should never have to deal with.”

“Is that why you were so adamant about tonight? Controlling the bloodlust didn’t work out so well.” I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror on the bureau, and I cringed. I looked like hell with blood and bruises covering more of me than unblemished skin. “If you didn’t bind me to you, someone else would have. You know that. Things would be worse if we hadn’t done it. Don’t waste time on regrets.”

“Alexa, be careful. Shya knows about us. That’s why he wanted me, too. You have a role to play there, but don’t let him exploit you.”

My head was starting to ache. I needed a shower, but the questions wouldn’t stop coming. “I still think there’s more to it. What aren’t you telling me? And, how did Maxwell know about this?”

Arys stroked a hand down my cheek before pulling me back down beside him. “Harley made him, too. We were close at one time. Don’t worry about this stuff, ok? We’re strong together. I’d walk into the sun before I’d let anything happen to you. But, if you still have questions, read the journal I gave you. Then if you still want to, we’ll talk further.”

He hugged me close, an action that silenced my further questions. Arys believed we were made for each other, and he believed it would destroy us both. Rather than push the subject the way I wanted to, I clung to him in quiet contemplation.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what I’d just heard. Pieces were missing, I was sure of it. I needed to read Arys’ journal sooner rather than later.

Replaying the events of the evening in my mind, I was faced with the raw truth of what had really occurred. Arys’ intent had been for me to develop control, to conquer the undeniable call of the bloodlust before it devoured me. I had failed.

I should have been content to be there with him in that moment, but I was worried. Arys had stopped me from killing more than once. I couldn’t always rely on him to fix my mistakes before I made them.

This was bad. I was slipping further into the clutches of a weakness I now knew we both feared. I couldn’t let it claim me, but I was running out of time. Every time I gave in to the welcoming splendor of the bloodlust, I lost a bit more of what little humanity I had left. Arys’ words echoed inside my head. Master it or it masters you.

Epilogue

It was as close to normal as I was going to get. I had the house to myself, a rarity. I didn’t like to think about it much, but I still wasn’t comfortable being in Raoul’s house alone. With an episode of Castle on television and the scent of pizza permeating the house, I curled up on the couch with a coffee in hand.

My laptop sat next to me on the middle cushion. I glared at it and clicked a few things randomly. Though I hadn’t had much time to break my way into Veryl’s files, I wasn’t having any luck. At all.

Setting my mug on the coffee table, I took a bite of pizza before typing “open password protected files” into Google. The results were repetitive. Sites trying to sell me software or the same bits of information that were getting me nowhere. I needed to find a professional to do it for me, one who would keep his or her mouth shut.

One thing at a time.

I glanced at the old, leather journal where it sat on the far end of the coffee table. I hadn’t opened it yet despite how badly I wanted to know what was inside. It felt good to sit on my couch and watch TV like a normal person. I didn’t get to do this enough. I wanted to savor it. The moment I opened that book, it would all end, and I’d be faced with reality again.

I laughed at a quip on the show, glancing up to re-immerse myself in the fictional on-screen world. I couldn’t look at the television without my gaze straying to the large, framed photo above it. It felt surreal to stare into my own eyes without recognition.

The gift I’d received from Kylarai and Zoey had been a photo of Shaz and me. Kylarai had captured it with her camera early one morning as we’d been trotting through the farmer’s field to her backyard.

In the picture, I was staring off into the distance while Shaz leaned into me, his face rubbing alongside mine. It was really weird to see myself as a wolf. I never did, not like this. Shaz stood out brilliantly next to me with his bright green eyes and white fur. My ash blond fur and dark eyes weren’t quite as striking, but I had to admit, together we looked good. Maybe even beautiful.

It was one of the most meaningful gifts I’d ever gotten. I’d cried a little when I first saw it. It symbolized a side of me that I saw less frequently these days. It also made me ache for Shaz.

I was expecting him close to dawn. Until then it was just me, my locked files and Arys’ journal. More than enough to keep me busy.

While munching on pizza I made a few more feeble attempts at busting into Veryl’s files. I didn’t want to give up, but I was getting nowhere. I was also using it as a way to procrastinate on the journal. Whatever was in the files could wait; I couldn’t access it, and anything inside had been hidden from me for a while now. Arys’ journal was right there, waiting for me to open it.

Since our night at the hotel a week ago, he had done all he could to avoid talking about it further. He thought he was going to destroy me, thereby destroying us both. I understood his concern, but I was skeptical. I’d come close to death enough times to know that it could never be so cut and dry.