Back on Blossom Street (Blossom Street #4)(68)

Unfortunately, she knew otherwise. But the problem wasn’t just the wedding and everyone else taking control. It was also the man she was about to marry. He hadn’t listened. He kept pushing her away, putting her off, discounting her concerns. Much as Alix loved him, much as she wanted to be part of his life, she was beginning to realize that marrying him was a mistake.

“This isn’t our wedding anymore. It never has been. Your mother and Jacqueline have turned it into a…a circus. I know they mean well and I appreciate their efforts, I really do.” She struggled to explain how trapped she felt. “I’ve tried to pretend everything would be fine. I wanted to do this for you and your family and for Jacqueline and Reese, too. But I can’t go through with the wedding as it stands. I just can’t.”

“You don’t mean that!”

Her throat tightened and her eyes stung with tears. She swallowed painfully. Her voice was choked, hoarse, when she spoke again. “It’s far too important to you to make everyone else happy, Jordan.”

“That’s not true!”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.” She looked sadly down at her hands and then removed the diamond from her finger. For an instant she closed her hand around it, wanting to hold on to it a moment longer.

“You can’t be serious,” Jordan said, and he sounded almost as if he were laughing, as if he thought this was all some practical joke.

Alix set the diamond ring on the corner of his desk.

“Alix, listen to me. Every bride goes through these prewedding jitters. It’s normal.”

“These hives aren’t normal. Jordan…” She took a deep breath. “There’s nothing I want more in this world than to be your wife, but I can’t become someone I’m not. I can’t marry a man who’s so willing to ignore me and listen to what everyone else wants.”

Jordan frowned at the ring. “You’re actually calling it off?”

Her throat constricted again; unable to speak, she simply nodded.

“Just like that?”

She gave another nod.

He stood and leaned forward, placing his hands on the edge of his desk. “Fine. You want out. That’s wonderful news. Just what am I supposed to tell everyone?”

That was all Jordan cared about? What other people thought? Alix would have answered him but the pain in her throat made speaking impossible. When she turned to walk away, Jordan stretched out his hand. “Don’t do it,” he pleaded. “We need to talk this out.”

“There’s nothing more to say,” she whispered, watching as he reached across his desk for the ring. He held it between his thumb and finger and stared down at it in disbelief, as if the diamond could explain what had gone wrong.

“Your mother had me pegged from the first,” Alix said. She wanted Jordan to know she was aware of Susan’s feelings toward her. “I’m not the right kind of woman for you. I never have been and I was a fool to believe otherwise.”

Jordan gaped at her.

“Apparently you hadn’t noticed, but your family did,” Alix continued. “I’m really not good church material, either.”

“That’s…that’s absurd,” he stammered.

Alix felt he was the absurd one, thinking she could change who she was, wipe out her past and play the role of pastor’s wife. “I’m sorry. More than anything, I wish I could be the woman you and everyone else want me to be. I tried, but it’s not going to work.”

“You’re serious, then? It isn’t just the wedding you’re calling off, it’s the whole marriage?”

This wasn’t a ploy or a trick to get him to change his mind about the wedding and do it her way. He’d summarized the situation clearly. She couldn’t marry him. She’d let her love cloud her feelings, confuse her actions. She’d realized, while scratching the skin off her arms, that Jordan hadn’t listened to her. He thought he had, assumed he’d allayed her fears. Because she’d wanted to believe him, she’d allowed his confidence to momentarily reassure her.

“What do we do now?” he asked. He gestured weakly, then let his arms fall to his sides.

Alix shook her head and shoved her hands in her pockets for fear she’d start scratching again. “Your mother will know the proper protocol,” she told him.

His mouth thinned, and Alix could tell that the prospect of facing his mother displeased him.

“I don’t think canceling the wedding’s going to be that much of a problem. Don’t worry. Your family will smooth everything over.” With these words, she walked out of his office.

Jordan didn’t come after her.

Alix got on the bus and rode around for a long time, lost in her misery. On impulse she changed buses and went out to Sea-Tac Airport, then walked to nearby Star Lake, where Jordan’s grandmother, Sarah Turner, lived. With the wedding officially canceled, Alix didn’t know if she’d ever see her again. The prayer shawl was finished and she wanted to give it to Sarah. Unfortunately she didn’t have it with her.

It was quite a hike from the road to the residential area around the lake, but the physical exertion made Alix feel better.

She recognized the house from her visit at Christmas and the time she and Jordan had gone in January. She walked down the dusty driveway and discovered Grandma Turner busy working in her yard. The old woman held a large watering can and wore coveralls and rubber boots, her thick white hair tied back with a red-and-blue bandanna. She straightened when she saw Alix.