Avoiding Responsibility (Avoiding #2)(86)

"Please," he begged. Maybe not.

"Jack and I…" Lexi began hating the way the words fell from her mouth, "we've been through this kind of tug of war for…God, seven years now," she said still amazed at the length of time they had been playing this game. "We had this instant connection. Electric chemistry," she murmured trying not tell too much, but unable to lie about her and Jack. Lying to Ramsey did no good in this situation. She wanted to spare his feelings, but really she had tried to warn him. "It was like the sun only shined when we were together.

"Like the world fell away and it was just the two of us," she murmured softly trying to keep the adoration out of her voice, but finding it increasingly difficult. She could remember the way Chyna claimed she looked when she talked about Jack…dreamy-eyed and seductive. She hoped she didn't look like that now… "We have such a long history that when I look into his eyes that's all I can see. I forget the stupidity of what we've done and who could get hurt. I just remember the man who loved me once," she muttered softly her heart hurting at the admission. "It's like a moth to a flame."

"So what are we?" Ramsey asked finally after she had paused.

"It's not like that."

"Like what?" he asked genuinely curious.

"It's not you or him." She hated herself for admitting the feeling that she had been having for a long time.

Ramsey's eyes stormed over once more at the statement. "No, Lexi it really is me or him."

"That's not what I meant," she said backtracking, "I just mean that…you didn't replace him."

"What?" Ramsey snapped becoming angrier with every statement.

"Oh God," Lexi cried sitting down heavily on the bench and burying her head in her hands. "I don't mean it like that either. Do you remember the first time you told me you loved me?" she whispered.

Ramsey was struck with emotion at the mention of her loving him. It was the first time she had used the word since she had left. "Of course," he said matching her tone.

"I kind of realized it then," she murmured pulling back to look into his curious eyes.

"Realized what?"

"That thinking of you as replacing Jack would just be a disservice to you."

Ramsey stared at her stunned. He wasn't sure he was comprehending her correctly. "A disservice?" he asked wanting to be clear.

Lexi sighed and brushed a loose lock of hair behind her ear before continuing. "You occupy a new place in my heart… a place I wanted only you to touch."

Ramsey smiled, truly smiled for the first time since he had brushed aside the weeping willow branches. Sitting down beside her on the park bench, he took in her beauty. She clearly looked torn, but beneath that she was just as gorgeous as the first time he had seen her. "This can't happen again," he said his tone determined even though he was weakened by her admission.

Lexi turned away from his demanding eyes. She knew first hand it couldn't happen again. Jack was going to be married by the end of the week, and she would be in attendance. But besides being alone with the groom, she hadn't actually done anything wrong. And she hated being reprimanded…for anything. "Don't tell me what to do Ramsey. I know what I need to do."

Ramsey sighed hating that he had started another argument with her. "What's that? What do you need to do?"

"I just need to get through this week…this wedding," she added leaning back against the bench and staring straight forward.

"What happens after that week?" he asked hoping just by chance that she would answer him the way he desired. Instead, she just shrugged. She couldn't commit to anything. There was too much to think about before she could begin to answer that question.

"You know how I feel about you, and all my concerns for you and your future," he said grasping her chin and turning it back towards him. "You know I want to be a part of that future."

"Yeah well you should have thought about that," she murmured hating herself for bringing up her own insecurities when she was most weak. "You should have thought about that the past couple months." She pulled her chin out from his grasp.

Ramsey sighed heavily letting his hand drop to his lap. "Look I don't want to fight with you. You're right, I asked you to come down here. I messed up. And yeah, I kind of expected you and Jack to need…a moment," he said, the last words with a grating edge like nails on a chalkboard. "But I just can't get over the fact that we've only been here an hour and I just told you the man is having doubts. Can you not cut me some slack here Lexi? I'm really trying."

"So I've heard," she grumbled.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I've just heard from everyone about how much you're trying," she murmured. She hadn't meant to bring it up. She really hadn't, but she had heard about him trying a bit too much recently. She wanted to know what was going on.

"I don't know what anyone else has said, but yes Lexi I am trying. It's no secret that I want you back," he said running his hand up her bare arm, up across her shoulder, and trailing through her thick brown hair.

As he began to massage her neck, she let the anger drain out of her. The only reason she had asked about any of this was because she had gotten caught. Everything that had happened with Jack was her fault. Ramsey wasn't exactly off the hook for what had gone on with them before, but she couldn't blame him for her mistakes. She deserved to get reprimanded. She didn't deserve a neck massage after acting like an idiot that was for sure. She hated herself for making him feel bad after all of this.