Asa (Marked Men #6)(59)

I tolerated all of those different versions of him because more often than not I got the guy I wanted to be with forever. The witty, too-smart-for-his-own-good, devilishly and effortlessly endearing version of Asa that only made an appearance when he forgot to worry about all the things he had done and ignored all the ways this undeniably significant thing between us could go wrong. That guy made putting up and navigating around all the other ones worth the time and effort even if he only appeared every once in a while.

“Caring about Asa can be a draining task.” Ayden’s voice was raspy, made even more so by the tequila she had been downing at a steady pace for most of the evening. If I’d had as much to drink as her, I would be on the floor in a fetal position under a table. Ayden didn’t even seem buzzed while her eyes were intent on mine. I could feel her weighing and sizing up how she felt about my involvement with her older sibling.

“It can be.” But when the Asa I wanted to love was around, it was so worth the exhaustion.

Both of us turned to look at the bar, where Asa was watching our exchange with narrowed eyes. The Bar was pretty busy, so Dixie and the new girl, Becca, had been taking care of us for most of the night. He had stopped by to hug his sister and to plant a hard kiss on my mouth with a warning look at Ayden before he headed back to the bar. It was a statement that couldn’t be missed. I knew she was going to want to weigh in on the situation, but so far it hadn’t really gone like I expected. Instead of the third degree or blatant disapproval, she seemed oddly curious as she watched me watch him.

“I worry about him all the time still.” The corner of her mouth tilted up in a grin. “Every single day I have to fight with myself not to call and check up on him. Leaving him here just when things were starting to fall in place for him was one of the hardest things I have ever done.”

I cleared my throat a little and shifted on the chair. “He seems pretty adept at taking care of himself, and one of his biggest fears is that he’s going to disappoint you again, so it keeps him on the straight and narrow.”

She puffed out a breath and her bangs fluttered over her winged brows. “He’s a survivor for sure, but there is a difference between merely getting by and living the life you’re supposed to live. I had no idea how love was supposed to look or feel until I met Jet. I wasn’t living a full life until he gave me the strength to let go of everything else.”

Her eyes flared hot, gold just like Asa’s did when he was excited about something. I was a tiny bit jealous that just saying her man’s name had that effect on her.

“I want Asa to do more than survive, Royal. I want him to finally be happy for once in his life. I want him to do more than just get by. I want him to have something that is his and his alone that he doesn’t ever feel like he has to fight for.”

I gulped a little bit as emotion started to clog my throat. I set my almost empty beer down on the table in front of me and twisted my fingers together. “He has all of that within his grasp, but his hands are too busy holding on to the past and reaching for the future to grab on to it.”

She opened her mouth and then snapped it closed as she leaned back in her chair. She crossed her arms over her chest, covering up the Valkyrie straddling a flaming guitar and the word ENMITY as she did so. The shirt with the ripped-off sleeves that showed the sides of her black bra seemed out of place with her pointy red cowboy boots, but it was Ayden, so she rocked it and looked perfect doing so.

She shook her dark head. “I know he is. I was hoping that since he can’t stop staring at you, and keeps looking at me like he wants to drop-kick me across the bar, maybe you had convinced him to let some of that go. We can’t go back in time and we can’t predict the future. He’s living in suspended animation.”

I shifted again as the jukebox switched to an old Christina Aguilera song, which had several middle-aged ladies climbing up from the table they were sharing and doing some serious booty shaking. It made me grin even though the topic of conversation wasn’t exactly cheerful.

“Every once in a while he puts it all away, and every now and again I feel like he’s reaching for a lifeline to stop himself from sinking. It gives me enough hope that I’m willing to stick around and see how it all plays out.”

She ran her finger around the rim of her shot glass and licked the salt off. “What are you going to do if you ever have to lock him up again? He’s a trouble magnet. Even when he’s trying to keep his nose clean.”

I sighed and shoved my hands through the front of my hair. “I keep telling myself I’ll cross that bridge if I ever come to it.” I leaned closer to her when the dancing women moved a little closer and their laughter got loud enough that I had to talk over it. “Did you know he was willing to do time, to sit in jail for a crime he didn’t even commit because he’s so twisted up on the inside about everything that happened before? How can someone even function with that kind of guilt filling them up?”

My voice caught and I let out a shuddering breath. I started a little when Ayden’s hand reached out and landed on top of the fists I hadn’t even been aware I was making. I mean I knew about guilt and the way it could affect a person’s thinking. My own guilt had kept me away from Dom when he needed me most, but I let it go when I realized it was poisoning everything in my life. I would always feel bad for what happened that night in the alley and I would never get over seeing Dom fall, but it couldn’t be the only moment that defined my life or my career. I needed Asa to realize everything he was missing by refusing to let go.