Always On My Mind (The Sullivans #8)(42)

“Where—” she began, but the way he was gazing down at her with such dark eyes had her losing her train of thought. Oh God, this was such a bad idea. She needed to keep on track. He was her boss. She was his farmhand. He was country. She was city. When they weren’t kissing, they were both driving each other crazy. “Where did you learn to dance like that?”

“Years of ballroom dancing lessons.”

For a moment she thought he was kidding, but then she remembered what he’d told her about where he’d come from. It was just that he was such a part of the land, such a cowboy at heart, had such a love for the farm, that she kept forgetting about his previous life in New York City.

What he’d created all by himself out here in the wilds of Pescadero was truly amazing. Maybe at first she hadn’t appreciated just how much hard work went into taking care of his animals, his crops, his crew, the customers who depended on the food he grew for them, but after a week of working with him, she did now.

“Dance with me again, Lori.”

She should say no. All she needed to do was put her lips into the right position and breathe out the word. Lord knew she’d had enough practice saying the word, not only as a child, but also during the past week to Grayson whenever he’d been acting unreasonable and she’d been a brat for the sheer pleasure of annoying him.

But now, when it felt like her entire future, along with the safety of her heart, rested on a little two-letter word, she just couldn’t say it. She couldn’t get her feet to work, either, to walk her out of the barn, so that she could leave Grayson and his cowboy hat and boots and pigs and Sweetpea-the-cat behind.

And maybe, she found herself thinking as the waltz continued, he had some sort of previously agreed-upon arrangement going with the band, because when he drew her back into his arms in front of the lemonade table and the wide-eyed teenagers, she couldn’t seem to catch her breath.

Being with Grayson was so simple and yet so complicated all at the same time. He made her want to stomp and yell...but he’d also just given dancing back to her when she’d thought that dream, that love, might be gone forever.

Apart from her twin sister, she’d never met anyone whom she hated and loved in the same breath.

Love.

Oh God, she was falling in love with him.

No! She couldn’t.

Not him.

Not here.

And not when she knew he was not only still grieving his loss, but also that he might very well choose to grieve forever.

All the strength Lori hadn’t been able to find a few moments earlier flooded her as panic took hold. She was out of his arms like a shot, moving so quickly toward the big, open barn doors that she skidded in her heels and barely caught herself on the wall before she went down on her butt in front of everyone. Kicking off her heels and leaving them on the barn floor, she didn’t notice whether anyone was watching her flee, couldn’t feel anything but the pressure of that love she could no longer deny coming down over her chest to wrap tightly around her heart.

No. No. No.

What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she love someone who would love her back? Why couldn’t she have what her brothers and twin had? Why couldn’t she find a lover, a friend, someone who would always have her back, someone who would give up absolutely everything for her...and someone for whom she would give up absolutely everything? Why couldn’t she be one half of two people who didn’t need anything but each other?

That was all she wanted. It was all she’d ever wanted.

Instead, she was wild.

She didn’t think before acting.

She talked too much.

And she fell too fast.

Lori was running away from the barn dance, sprinting for home, when it hit her midstride that what had started to feel like her home wasn’t hers at all.

It was Grayson’s. Everything was his. This land. The animals.

Oh God, even her heart was his.

And still she ran, barely feeling the dirt, the grass, the sticks beneath her bare feet. The firm muscles in her legs, the power of her lungs, had always made her strong. But Grayson, she found out a breath later when his arms came around her and he lifted her off the ground and against his chest, was at least as strong.

“You can’t run from me,” he told her in the middle of the field beneath a dark purple sky as he held onto her.

Lori had always given herself entirely over to love. She’d believed it would make everything okay, make everything work out in the end. But it didn’t. It hadn’t. And she knew she shouldn’t be stupid enough to make that mistake again.

“Yes, I can,” she said as she fought his hold, as she tried to get back on solid ground where she only had herself to rely on, where she could do whatever it took to keep herself safe.

“Not tonight, Lori.” His lungs were pumping just as hard as hers were from the run and from the struggle to keep her with him. “I know you’re not going to stay, but please don’t run from me tonight.” She made the mistake of looking up into his eyes. “Please,” he begged again, “just give me tonight.”

Maybe it was the fact that, for the second time in one night, he’d actually asked for something rather than just demanding it from her. Maybe it was the way he was looking at her, like he’d be lost without her. Maybe it was the fact that their dances together had solidified something that couldn’t possibly be put into words: a connection between two people who were, whether they wanted to be or not, a perfect fit. At least for a little while—while their lives collided.