Always On My Mind (The Sullivans #8)(33)

She hated what a fool she’d been, that she’d been so blind to what was happening when everyone else had seen it. How desperately she’d wanted to be loved, so desperate that she hadn’t put a stop to Victor’s emotional abuse until it had sucked the will to dance—and to love—from her.

But she could see that nothing she said made any difference to Grayson. “You think I’m a big crybaby, don’t you? That I’m just here to hide from everything and lick my wounds?” She took a step toward him and poked him in the chest. “So what if I am? What makes you the judge and jury for what counts as real pain?”

He grabbed her hand hard enough that she would have cried out if the fury on his face hadn’t stolen her breath away before she could make a sound.

“My wife died in a car crash. Three years ago. It was our tenth wedding anniversary.”

“Grayson.”

He let her hand go and cursed. “The storm is letting up. We need to get back to the farm to make sure the rest of the animals are okay.”

Her own pain instantly forgotten in the wake of Grayson’s confession, Lori desperately wanted to go to him. She wanted to put her arms around him and console him for the pain he’d suffered. And, most of all, she wanted him to trust her enough to bare his soul to her and let her help him finally heal.

“I’m sorry,” she told him over the sound of the crackling fire. “So sorry for what you’ve been through. And for what I just said.”

His face was granite when he turned back to her. “It was three years ago. I’m over it now.” His lie was a thousand times worse than her earlier one had been, about thinking that being a farmhand would be fun. “I’ll go get the horse ready to take us back.”

He was gone before she could reach for him, before she could say anything else. But so much was clear now. The way he’d pushed her away at every turn. The solitude he’d chosen despite the great community.

He was right, his pain was so much worse than hers—and yet, whether he wanted to see it or not, they were kindred spirits despite themselves. Because she’d made the very same vow not to love again and risk another painful loss.

But that didn’t mean she couldn’t find a way to help him...

Chapter Thirteen

Lori understood what Grayson wanted her to do. He wanted her to leave him alone. He wanted to pretend that he’d never told her anything about his past. She hadn’t seen him since the previous day when he’d taken her to his log cabin in the storm, wasn’t sure when he’d finally come into the farmhouse to go to bed, or if he’d simply slept somewhere else instead so that he wouldn’t have to talk to her.

But even though she understood what he wanted from her, she just didn’t see how it could be healthy for him to keep all his pain inside for so long. Maybe, she’d been thinking for the past twenty-four hours straight, if he finally let some of it out, then he could start moving forward again. Not necessarily off the farm—she could see how much he truly loved his home here and what he did for a living with the animals and his CSA—but she hadn’t seen him interact with anyone other than herself and Eric.

These should be the best years of Grayson’s life. He should be making the most of them. All the things that didn’t add up—why a gorgeous, thriving man in the prime of his life had chosen to live in the middle of nowhere with only animals for company—made so much more sense now.

But just because it made sense didn’t mean it was right.

Lori was a much better farmhand now than she’d been at first, but she still knew she hadn’t been much help to him so far. Maybe if she could help him with his grief, then coming here would have been worth it.

And she would know she’d done at least one truly worthwhile thing in her life.

Filled with purpose, as soon as she’d finished her most important chores and the sun was just starting to set as a bright red and orange ball falling over the rolling green hills, she went to look for him. It didn’t take her long to find him in the stables.

He didn’t look up when she walked in, but she could see his shoulders tense slightly. It was tempting to turn around and walk out again, to hide from a conversation that she knew wasn’t going to be at all easy. But she owed him this—the chance to finally unburden himself of the weight he’d been carrying around for so long.

Only, she couldn’t quite figure out where to start, so she moved closer to admire the horse he was grooming. “You really do have the most beautiful horses.” He didn’t say anything, but she hadn’t expected him to. Not yet, anyway. “How long have you been riding?”

Of course, instead of answering her simple question, he stayed right where he was behind the horse’s flanks. “Do you need something, Lori? Is the farmhouse on fire? Or have you ‘accidentally’ let a fox into the henhouse?”

His sarcasm stung, but she refused to let him push her away that easily. Not when she guessed that was how he’d dealt with the world ever since his wife died, just by pushing and pushing and pushing until no one dared come close anymore.

Feeling much bolder around his horse since she’d survived the ride the day before, she gently ran her hand down the soft hair on his muzzle and took strength from the big brown eyes staring back at her. Funny, she’d never realized just how much she loved animals until this past week. If only she didn’t travel so much, she would want at least one dog and cat when she went back home.