All These Things I've Done (Birthright #1)(93)

‘I’m sorry about that last part,’ he said. ‘As I said, I like you very much. But as long as you’re with him, it’s an ongoing problem for me. And yes, perhaps I understated my concern for Win’s welfare before. Though this first bullet was character-building for the boy, I’d rather him not get shot again. I’d like my son to live to see twenty.’

I considered Charles Delacroix’s offer: Liberty for three months and no more Win forever in exchange for my brother’s safety and my sister’s safety. Two for two. Yes, this seemed fair. It wouldn’t be hard to end it with Win because, in a way, this was what I wanted to do anyway. I loved him, but he wasn’t safe around me. ‘How do I know you’ll keep your word?’

‘Because I have as much to gain and to lose as you do,’ Charles Delacroix replied.

The third Sunday in May (two weeks until Liberty), Natty and I went to church for the first time in ages. I did not confess because the line was too long, as was my list of sins. I did receive the host. The liturgy was, appropriately enough, about sacrifice: how there was redemption in it, even if it wasn’t always immediately apparent. And this was nearly enough to steel me to do what I had to do next.

After church, Natty and I went to see Win at his apartment. Charles Delacroix had eased up on the guards. Win had also been told that his father had eased up on me. (Win had not yet been informed about my forthcoming stay at Liberty, however.) Natty had missed Win terribly, maybe as much as I had. She drew flowers on the cast that had replaced the metal pins, and she also returned his hat, which had been in her possession since prom night. ‘Win and I need to talk alone for a bit,’ I told Natty.

‘Ooh, are you guys going to kiss?’ Natty teased us.

‘Let’s go outside,’ Win suggested. ‘I’m able to get around a little now. Besides, I’m in danger of turning into a total vampire if I don’t see daylight every now and again.’

We went out to his mother’s rooftop garden. We sat down at a picnic table as Win still needed to rest often. It was incredibly sunny and I wished for sunglasses. Win put his hand over my eyes to shield them from the sun. What a nice boy he was.

I had practised what I would say, which made my words sound rehearsed.

‘Win,’ I began, ‘during our time apart, I’ve been thinking and I realized something. I don’t think we’re suited for each other.’

Win laughed at me. I would need to up my game if he was to believe me.

‘I’m serious, Win. We can’t be together. We can’t be.’ I made sure to look him in the eye when I said this. Eye contact made people think you were being truthful even when you weren’t.

‘Did my father put you up to this?’

‘No. This is me. But I do think your father’s right about you,’ I said. ‘I mean, look at you. You are weak. There’s no point. I could never be with someone like you in the long term.’

He said he still didn’t believe me.

‘There’s someone else,’ I said.

‘Who?’ he barked.

‘Yuji Ono.’

‘I don’t believe you.’

‘Believe what you want,’ I said. ‘But I’ve been seeing him since my cousin’s wedding. We have the same background and interests. He understands me, Win, in a way that you never could.’ And then I was crying. I hoped this would make me look guilty. My sister’s and brother’s lives depended on it.

‘You’re making this up!’ Win said.

‘I wish I was.’ I cried even more. ‘I’m sorry, Win.’

‘If this is true, you’re not the person I thought you were,’ Win said.

‘That’s the thing, Win, you never knew me.’ I stood up from the bench. ‘I won’t be seeing you again. I’m going to Teen Crime Scene Enrichment Summer’ – why I told this lie, I do not know; I suppose I didn’t want him to think of me locked up all summer – ‘and then I won’t be coming back to Holy Trinity in the fall. I don’t know if you’ve heard that I’ve been expelled. You . . . I really did love you.’

‘You just don’t any more,’ he said flatly.

I nodded and then I left. Had I spoken, I feared giving myself away.

I went down to Win’s room to get Natty. ‘We have to go,’ I said, grabbing her hand.

‘Where’s Win?’ she asked.

‘He . . .’ And here, another lie. This one so that Natty didn’t ask me a lot of questions. ‘He ended it with me.’

‘I don’t believe you!’ Natty said, pulling her hand from mine.

No one believed me. ‘I’m telling you, it’s true,’ I said. ‘He told me that he’d met someone. A nurse in the hospital.’

‘Well, I hate him, then,’ Natty decided. ‘I’ll hate Win Delacroix for the rest of my life.’

She took my hand, and then we walked back to our apartment. ‘It’s just as well,’ she said. ‘You’ll meet someone new in Washington. I’m sure of it.’

I hadn’t had the heart to tell Natty that I was going to Liberty either. Miss Bellevoir had described Natty’s camp as being ‘isolated from the rest of the world’, which meant Natty wouldn’t figure out where I’d been until she got back and saw I wasn’t there. (In the four-week gap between her return and my release, Imogen would watch her.) My justification for this lie was that Natty had had a hard enough year already: Nana’s death, Leo’s disappearance and everything else. Let her think I was living it up at Teen Crime Scene Enrichment Summer. I wanted her to feel free to enjoy herself and be the kid genius she was meant to be without worrying about her big sister in the reformatory. I wanted her to have the summer I might have had, if only things had been different.