A New Hope (Thunder Point #8)(29)

“It’s no laughing matter. Once they’re big, it’s pretty communal. You have to remember, these hens are here to work and these chicks are being raised to lay eggs, then they’re dinner.”

“You’re just trying to shock me,” she accused. “I do understand where the chicken breasts I buy come from.”

After she sighed and fussed over their cuteness, he told her they should go see the lambs. “George has the lambs. It’s almost a mile. Should I get the Rhino?”

“Not for me,” she said. “Lead the way. Unless you’re in a hurry?”

“I have all day, Ginger. But some women don’t enjoy plodding through a pasture or orchard.”

“I don’t have all day,” she said with a laugh. “I have a four-hour drive ahead. But there’s no rush.” Then she drew in a deep breath. “Does it seem like the air is fresher here, on the farm?”

“There are still some blossoms and other flowers,” he said. “There’s also fertilizer and droppings, so watch your step in your comfortable boots.”

He walked beside her, shortening his stride so she wouldn’t have to jog to keep up. She brought up the prior evening and how awkward it was that they were all there alone and yet ended up being a group of exes. You couldn’t plan something like that.

“Are you anxious to get back to Thunder Point?” he asked.

“To my friends and the shop and Ray Anne, yes, always. It turned out to be such a good move for me. And believe me, I was against it from the start. I just wanted to be left alone.”

“But you did it,” he said. Impulsively, he reached for her hand, holding it. “You picked yourself up and made yourself do it. I think maybe you’re the strongest person I know.”

“No,” she said with a laugh, shaking her head. “Not me.”

“Yes, you. Look at yourself. You somehow pulled yourself together and tried. I’m so impressed by you.”

“You should have seen me the day I arrived in Thunder Point. Ray Anne was appalled. For one thing, it took me far longer to get there than it should have and Ray Anne was ready to call the state troopers to ask if there had been any accidents. I told her I stopped to look at the ocean, which was true. What I didn’t tell her was that I had contemplated just throwing myself off a cliff.”

He scowled. “You’re intentionally scaring me.”

She ignored him. “I had lost a lot of weight since the baby died and was swimming in my clothes. I was pale because I hadn’t been eating, hadn’t left the house in months. My hair was... I can’t even describe it. Neglected is probably the kindest word. I could have made a public service commercial for severe depression.”

“Yet, look at you a few weeks later.” He gave her hand a squeeze.

“Ray Anne couldn’t stand looking at me! She took me, kicking and screaming, for a makeover. She warned me that it might not help the mess on the inside but we had to spare the public what I was showing on the outside. She had a point. Even I find it easier to look in the mirror.”

“And how about that cliff thing?” he asked.

“I’m not suicidal,” she said. “The only thing I really want, suicide wouldn’t get me. I want for it never to have happened. I’m afraid that’s not possible.”

He stopped walking and faced her. He took her other hand. “I want to tell you something. I can’t even explain the dark place I was in a few months ago. I didn’t go through nearly what you did but I was in a black, foul temper I couldn’t shake. I did a lot of stupid self-destructive things and didn’t just hurt myself—I hurt other people, too. And then I met you and things began to change. Just knowing you, talking to you, looking forward to the next time we’d talk or get together—it pulled me out of the hell I was living in. Ginger, I don’t want to heap any more trouble on you, but if I didn’t have you right now, my family would still be calling me Mad Matt. I rely on you. You lift me up. And the best part is, I don’t think you really even mean to. It’s just your nature. You’re the kindest person I know.”

“Matt,” she said. “Oh, that’s so nice of you to say.”

“I’m not being nice, Ginger. We connected. Maybe it was out of shared troubles but maybe that’s not all it is. Maybe when we’re done surviving this, maybe we go on to find new reasons to connect.”

She laughed softly and blushed a little, looking at her feet. Then she lifted her eyes to his. “There’s something I should tell you. There was another reason I went to Roy’s last night. It was true, I wanted to see him and know that I didn’t want him anymore, didn’t grieve him. It was also something else. I started to have warm feelings for another man. A dear man who is not dark or angry or mad. I had to be sure that one look at Mick wouldn’t throw me back into that spiral I was once caught up in. I wanted to be sure what I was feeling was real.”

A half smile played on his lips. “Was it?”

“I believe so, yes,” she said.

They stood on the dirt road between the orchard and the pasture that led to George’s barn. Maybe halfway there.

“Has it changed things for you like it changed things for me?” he asked.

“Yes. Remember we joked about trying again when we’re maybe fifty?”