he: A Novel(78)

So Hal Roach is unhappy even before Ben Shipman’s client packs a bag for Yuma, Arizona to marry a notorious Russian gold-digger and alcoholic named Vera Ivanova Shuvalova, known by the stage name of Illeana, who travels with a dancing master named Roy Randolph – barely a step advanced from pimp and procurer – and a woman named Sonia, who claims to be a countess and may or may not be Vera Ivanova Shuvalova’s mother.

All this before the ink on his latest divorce papers is even dry.

So why, continues Hal Roach, is he in Yuma, marrying a Russian drunk?

He is in Yuma because Arizona, unlike California, does not have a law requiring one’s name to appear in the local newspapers if one marries, but Ben Shipman recognizes that this is not the right answer to the question. Hal Roach is not concerned about geography beyond its application to the origins of Vera Ivanova Shuvalova. Ben Shipman has no idea why his client has married this woman. He might possibly have stayed out in the sun for too long, with liquor taken to further addle his brain.

I really don’t know, says Ben Shipman.

– And why is his ex-wife – his second ex-wife – telling the newspapers that she’s still married to him?

– I don’t know that either.

– In fact, what is his second ex-wife doing down in Yuma to begin with?

– I believe that she followed him there with the intention of sabotaging the nuptials.

– Does she still love him?

– I think that is unlikely. I am of the opinion that she merely wishes to complicate his life.

Hal Roach considers this possibility.

– Why would someone bother trying to complicate his life when he seems more than capable of doing that for himself?

– Vindictiveness. It’s hard to be vindictive toward oneself.

– Well, if anyone can manage it, he can. Does he even understand the difference between pictures and reality any longer?

– I have my doubts.

Ben Shipman hears the sound of pages being turned at Hal Roach’s end of the line.

Do you know what I’m looking at? says Hal Roach.

I can’t begin to imagine, Ben Shipman lies.

– I’m looking at the morals clause in his contract.

Ben Shipman tries to sound surprised.

Ah, says Ben Shipman.

– Has he lost his reason?

– Possibly.

– Then tell him to find it again, and fast.





150


He marries Vera Ivanova Shuvalova on January 1st, 1938. He drinks a lot, both before and after the ceremony.

He will spend most of 1938 drinking, for reasons not unconnected to this marriage.

He is woken in his honeymoon suite at the Hotel del Sol in Yuma by the ringing of a telephone, which he briefly incorporates into his dream as the sound of a doorbell until he realizes that the bell does not cease its jangling when he answers the door.

He picks up the telephone. It is the hotel manager on the line.

The hotel manager, who speaks perfect English, appears to be struggling with his vocabulary.

There is, says the hotel manager, well, we have, um, there is a, actually— The hotel manager decides to bite the bullet.

– There is a lady here claiming to be your wife.

He turns over in the bed. Vera is snoring softly beside him.

– My wife is sleeping next to me.

– This lady appears quite insistent. Should we call the police?

He has a terrible sense of foreboding.

– Perhaps you could describe the lady in question?

The hotel manager provides, under the circumstances, a most accurate description of Ruth, but before anything more can be said, he hears shouts from the other end of the telephone, and a woman’s voice rapidly receding.

I’m afraid the lady is on her way upstairs, the hotel manager informs him.

He hangs up the telephone. He looks again at Vera. Vera should not be in the room with him. Babe should be in the room with him, wearing a cap and nightshirt, opening a window to see if there is any possibility that they might survive the drop.

There comes a hammering at the bedroom door. It is loud enough to wake even Vera. He notices that she stinks of booze, but probably no worse than he does.

What is it? Vera asks. Who is at the door?

Ruth’s voice sounds from the hallway outside.

– Bigamist! Bigamist!

I think, he says, that you may be about to meet my ex-wife.

It is said that when Jimmy Finlayson hears this story, he laughs so hard that he almost cracks a rib.

But Hal Roach, as Ben Shipman can attest, does not laugh.

And Babe does not laugh.





151


He and Vera hold a second wedding ceremony, this time a civil one. He charters a boat for the honeymoon. He plans to take Vera to Catalina Island. He fails to tell her until the last minute that Lois, his (first) ex-wife, will be joining them.

The honeymoon to Catalina Island is canceled.

Babe and Ben Shipman are in court. Babe is seeking to have his alimony payments to Myrtle reduced, but Babe and Ben Shipman spend most of the morning avoiding reporters and speaking of other matters.

I’m starting to lose count of the number of times he’s been married, says Ben Shipman. I think he’s probably lost count too.

He’s talking about touring with this Illeana, says Babe.

– I take it you won’t be joining them to form a trio?