he: A Novel(48)

This is going to be three reels, right? Hal Roach asks.

– Yes.

– So for three reels, you need more than a piano.

– How about three pianos?

– How about I turn you and Babe Hardy into rugs for my floor?

Hal Roach is fond of this man before him. He and Babe are still the studio’s best earners, and less trouble than Our Gang, because they can work longer hours, and can grow older without needing to be discreetly replaced, like deceased pet hamsters and goldfish; and since neither of them is a Negro they do not offend Southern sensibilities, which is a problem with Our Gang since Stymie Beard is unmistakably a Negro, just like Sunshine Sammy Morrison and Farina Hoskins before him, and below the Mason–Dixon Line such fraternization between the races as is displayed in the Our Gang pictures is frowned upon, which means that Hal Roach’s pockets are being picked by crackers.

But now this man, this star, is trying to claim that a piano can be a plot, that a wooden box can contain worlds, and Hal Roach knows this to be untrue.

He lets Hal Roach protest some more. He agrees with Hal Roach politely, and disagrees with Hal Roach even more politely. It is important to disagree without being disagreeable, especially with Hal Roach, who is his boss and has generally been supportive of him, remuneration excepted. But Hal Roach has given his imprimatur to thinner ideas than this, and they have worked. He and Babe have made them work.

Hal Roach, he understands, is just letting off steam.

Your problem, Hal Roach tells him, is that you don’t see the big picture.

– It’ll be cheap.

Hal Roach gives in. The man before him is missing the point, but cheap is cheap.

Then make the picture, says Hal Roach. What do I know?





100


This he has learned from Chaplin: every creative endeavor should aspire to the condition of art. But Hal Roach is not interested in art. Hal Roach desires respectability, but Hal Roach does not want art, or not as a primary function of his studio. Productions with some class may earn Hal Roach money, but art will see Hal Roach back emptying spittoons. The comedies he and Babe make for Hal Roach are neither respectable nor, as short collections of gags, definable as art in terms familiar to Hal Roach. To hint at such a possibility in Hal Roach’s presence would be to invite mockery, or censure, or possibly even the attentions of Henry Ginsberg in order to ensure that no art is attempted, either intentionally or inadvertently, on the studio’s dime, and Henry Ginsberg already stalks the lot like a reaper. Even Babe does not wish to speak of art. Babe is happy to be earning more money than ever before, and to see his name above the title.

Therefore, as a comedian, he is engaged in a singular conspiracy to commit art.





101


At the Oceana Apartments – At the Oceana Apartments.

At the Oceana Apartments.

At the Oceana Apartments.

There is only the Oceana Apartments, and the waiting promise of the sea beyond.

He could leave for the afternoon. Ida would take him somewhere. But a departure involves the fuss of getting ready, and of negotiating the stairs to the car, and of the ride, and of walking from the car to the restaurant, or the pier, or the sand.

Or simply walking.

He is too tired for that.

And he does not wish to disappoint the world by letting it see how frail he has become.





102


He likes the idea for Top Heavy. Or Words and Music. The title, like the picture, remains in the abstract. Babe also likes the idea: a crated piano must be delivered up a flight of steep steps. It may be a reworking of the washing machine gag, but it is simple, and simplicity is welcome in lives so complex.

He agrees on a cast with Jimmy Parrott, who is to direct.

For the piano salesman: Bill Gillespie, who is Scottish and strikes amiable sparks with Jimmy Finlayson when they are on the lot together, although Bill Gillespie is more inclined to buy someone a soda than Jimmy Finlayson, who is parsimonious to a remarkable degree.

For the cop: Sam Lufkin, who is always reliable and has, until recently, been living with his mother following the break-up of his marriage. Sam Lufkin is now married for a second time, but still misses his mother. Sam Lufkin’s life reads like a Beanie Walker title card.

For the nursemaid: Lilyan Irene, or Leah Goldwater as was. He pushes for Lilyan Irene because she, like him, is from Lancashire, and worked the music halls, and lives alone with a young son, and so can use the money.

For the professor: Billy Gilbert, who is a gagman as well as an actor, and gives good comic sneeze. Billy Gilbert owes his career in pictures to him, as he introduced Billy Gilbert to Hal Roach after catching Billy Gilbert in revue.

In another life, Billy Gilbert plans to be a boxer. Billy Gilbert is billed as Fighting Billy Gilbert, a middleweight, and goes two rounds with Jack Herrick, the inventor of the Herrick Shift, a feint and turn followed by an overhand blow that, if it lands, will end your days. In the evenings, Billy Gilbert covers up his bruises and steps on stage in a show called Whiz Bang Babies, which makes Billy Gilbert unusual by any measure. Billy Gilbert is pretty serious about the fight game until Billy Gilbert gets in the ring with Al Panzer. After what Al Panzer does to him, acting seems to Billy Gilbert like a good way of not being killed.

For the professor’s wife: Hazel Howell, spouse of Ned Norworth, Broadway’s Midnite Son, who plays the piano, and acts, and writes songs with titles such as ‘After You Brought Me The Sunshine’ and ‘Sweet Sue’, and in whose shadow Hazel Howell seems forever destined to dwell. But Hazel Howell is a nice woman, and suffers well.