he: A Novel(30)

Fat men are bad guys. Bad guys are not called heavies for nothing. Babe has made a career out of playing heavies.

Are fat men leads? Not so much. Not since Roscoe Arbuckle, and Roscoe Arbuckle is now directing cheap shorts for Educational Pictures and drinking himself to death on Buster Keaton’s dime.

But he has watched Babe, directed Babe, acted with Babe. And he likes Babe. Everybody likes Babe.

When Leo McCarey suggests a collaboration, he is not surprised.

– Maybe we could come up with something for you and Babe Hardy?

By ‘we’, of course, Leo McCarey means maybe he can come up with something for both of them.

And he does. It is not his own idea, but A.J.’s: an old piece of music hall business, yet solid, like all A.J.’s work. Home from the Honeymoon. It is not a bad title, but Leo McCarey suggests an alternative, Duck Soup, which is a very Leo McCarey title. It means nothing, and everything. Beanie Walker is attached as writer, but it is the easiest job Beanie Walker will ever have because all of the writing was done two decades earlier.

A two-hander, but with Babe as lead.

Babe has not been the lead in a comedy in many years, not since The Other Girl back in Florida, when God was a child. Babe has resigned himself to never being the lead again.

Babe comes to him to ensure that this billing is correct. Babe notices that he has given himself more gags, but not the momentum of the picture. It is Babe who will make the running.

You don’t want to play the lead? Babe asks.

– No, it works better if you take it.

Babe, summoning to mind the specter of Larry Semon, tries to recall if anyone in his experience has ever willingly ceded the spotlight in a picture, and decides that no one has, or certainly not for Babe Hardy.

– And it’s okay with Hal?

– It is if the picture’s good.

Babe nods.

Thank you, says Babe.

– You’re welcome.

Babe leaves to find a quiet corner of the lot. Babe takes the script with him, but does not open it.

Babe sits, and contemplates.





62


In 1915, Chaplin is being paid $1,250 per week by Essanay.

In 1916, Chaplin is being paid $10,000 per week by Mutual, and has pocketed a signing bonus of $150,000.

In 1918, Chaplin is being paid $1,075,000 per year by First National.

In 1925, he is being paid $5,695 per year by Hal Roach.

In 1926, he is being paid $12,450 per year by Hal Roach.

In 1927, he is being paid $20,450 per year by Hal Roach.

By 1927, no studio can afford Chaplin.





63


At the Oceana Apartments, he checks his wallet.

He is comfortable, but not wealthy. He has been cautious in his investments ever since the stock market crash of 1929, when he lost much of his savings. Annuities have funded his retirement, and what he does not need he gives away, although sometimes he grows weary of the endless importuning.

For the world is full of starving actors.

Ben Shipman looks after his financial affairs, and has for decades, which may explain why he is not wealthier. He thinks Ben Shipman’s negotiating strategy went something like this: STUDIO: We’d like to offer him a new contract.

BEN SHIPMAN: Great. How much should we pay you?

But Ben Shipman is a nice man, and Ben Shipman is not a crook.

And besides, because of Ben Shipman, there is nothing left for Ben Shipman to steal.

He could live somewhere better, he knows, somewhere bigger, but he enjoys being near the sea, and he enjoys being around people. He can walk out of his apartment, if he is feeling well enough, and become part of the flow, or climb in the Mercury and go to a restaurant, but he tries to be discreet. It is not that he is in any way aloof – if that were the case, he would not be listed in the telephone book – but he is uncomfortable with his looks and his age. He remains a younger man on television, and that is how the Audience thinks of him. He does not wish to disappoint it with reality. This is why he turns down offers to appear on shows and in pictures.

And, of course, there is Babe: what is he without Babe but a reminder of all that has been lost?

He closes his wallet.





64


Hal Roach gives Mae Busch a contract.

Hal Roach gives Mae Busch a contract because Mae Busch is funny, and pretty.

Hal Roach gives Mae Busch a contract because it will annoy the hell out of Mack Sennett.

Mae Busch ends Mack Sennett’s romance with Mabel Normand back in 1918, although there are some – Jimmy Finlayson among them – who claim that Mae Busch does Mack Sennett a favor in this way, because Jimmy Finlayson says Mabel Normand is crazy and a cocaine fiend, and people around her have a habit of getting shot.

He does not know if Mabel Normand is actually a cocaine fiend – he saw no evidence of it when they worked together on Raggedy Rose – but the part about the shooting is certainly true, or else William Desmond Taylor, who was found on February 2nd, 1922 with a locket in his possession containing a photograph of Mabel Normand, and a bullet hole in his back, would still be directing pictures instead of rotting in the ground. He does know that Mabel Normand was close to Chaplin: fought for Chaplin, encouraged Chaplin, shared Chaplin’s bed. Mabel Normand spoke with him of Chaplin between takes on Raggedy Rose, while she sipped gin from a silver flask.