Young Jane Young(69)

“I can’t ever tell who’s gay and who’s not,” you say. “My old roommate used to say I have no gaydar.”

“Well, thank God for that. I loathe people who have gaydar. It’s just a kind of prejudice, but it’s got that funny word, so people think it’s funny. You know what people who have great gaydar usually are? Bigots.”

“Maybe we can start a campaign against gaydar?” you say.

“Let’s do it,” Archie says.

“It’s not as hard as you think,” you say. “You publish a few op-eds in prominent places, or you know, whatever places will have you. The first pieces can be of a more humorous bent. Anything to raise awareness. Maybe you get lucky and people start blogging about the issue. You call local TV stations. They’ll probably ignore you, which is why you try to recruit a gay-friendly politician – maybe it’s a city councilman representing South Beach or any area with a fair number of gay





80


constituents – to introduce a piece of legislation or even just a proclamation about ‘casually homophobic hate speech, particularly the use of the word gaydar.’ You go online and you try to find a message board of like-minded individuals to come out with signs and rally against gaydar.”

“Gaydar, get yar ass out of here!” Archie suggests. “Out of har?”

“Yeah…,” you say, smiling and wrinkling your nose. “Or something better even?”

“I’ll work on it,” Archie says.

“At the hearing, you get a photogenic high school kid to tell a story about how he or she has been negatively impacted by use of the word gaydar. You call the news stations again. This time, they come. You’ve got a politician, a high school kid, and a mob of people with signs. You’ve got the mayor or the head of the city council having to say the word gaydar awkwardly over and over —”

Archie makes his voice sound square and conservative, “So, what precisely is the gayyy-darrrr?”

“Exactly. I mean, it’s great footage. Like, how can they resist us?

“Even if you fail to get gaydar officially banned – which you won’t because no one’s going to ban a word – by the time you’re done, you’ve at least raised awareness, maybe, one percent. And maybe some of those people will pause before they say gaydar.”

“They’ll pause and say, ‘Now I know this isn’t PC…’ and then, they’ll say it anyway,” Archie says.





81


“But think how validated you’ll feel by that clause. It’s a win!”

“I don’t know if this is depressing or inspiring,” Archie says.

“It’s definitely inspiring,” you say. “Lots of drops in the bucket.”

“Would you call all of this politics or press?” Archie jokes.

“Press,” you say, and then you think better of it. “Maybe they’re the same thing.”

“Hmm. Is this what they’re teaching the interns these days?” Archie asks.

“I’m not an intern anymore,” you say. “By the way, no one even knew what a blog was when I got there. They’re all so old.”

“I know,” Archie says. “There’s this ancient lawyer in my office, and he’s asked me to show him how to turn on his computer five times. I’m like, dude, there’s a switch. It’s not that hard.”

Archie drops you off at your apartment. You’re living off campus this year. You’re about to unlock your front door when the congressman calls your cell phone. “I’m in your neighborhood,” he says.

“Why?” you say.

“I thought you could show me your new place,” he says.



If you invite him over, turn to page 84.



If you make an excuse (“I’m in Boca” or “I’m tired”), turn to page 100.





84


“Come on over,” you say. If you’re honest with yourself, one of the reasons you moved into an off-campus apartment and didn’t get any roommates is because you hoped something like this would happen. You set the stage, and you knew the player wouldn’t be able to resist the call of the theater.

“We missed you tonight,” he says.

The election is in a month, and there had been a town hall meeting that night and you hadn’t gone.

“I had a date,” you say.

“Oh yeah? Someone I should be jealous of?”

“No,” you say, as you take off your blouse.

“It’s good,” he says. “It’s good you should date. I want you to meet someone nice.”

You take off your skirt.

“You look pretty,” he says. He goes into your bathroom and he turns on the faucet.

You put your hair into a topknot. You had it blown out for your date with Archie, and you don’t want to mess it up.

“Your absence was noted tonight,” he calls.

You turn on the television. A rerun of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire is on.

The question on the screen is:



Henry VIII split from the Roman Catholic Church after it refused to grant him an annulment so he could marry which woman?