You've Got Fail(35)
I choked on the slurp of coffee I’d just taken. “You really have a way with words.”
“That’s why I went into advertising.”
“Good choice.”
He coughed. “I did call for a reason.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“I hate to be the constant bearer of bad news, but have you checked the New York Daily News today? Jina Feinstein has posted a, well…an interesting piece.”
My stomach sank into my scrotum, pulling everything inside me tight. I clicked over to the website and scrolled to the features section.
“Shiiiiiit.” Jina’s headline read “Relationship Expert or Dangerous Enabler?” She recapped Scarlet’s advice to the his-ex-talks-through-his-dick girl, then dissected the issue of how Scarlet played into the delusion.
“I mean, it’s not the worst thing ever.” Elias chuckled. “The worst thing ever is a chick who thinks people are talking through your dick hole.”
I skimmed toward the bottom of the article. Jina ended with, “Though more than just a delightful personality, Scarlet has yet to prove herself as the relationship sage she touts herself as on her blog. This makes me wonder if her upcoming self-help book will meet the high mark she’s set for herself as the romantic voice of the millennial generation.”
I leaned back in my chair and tossed my glasses onto my desk. Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I tried to find some bright side.
“Look, she didn’t go hard on you.” Elias adopted a conciliatory tone. “She just isn’t convinced.”
“I know, but I’m not sure if Scarlet—fake Scarlet—can convince her. I’m the one with the advice, not her.”
“Maybe you could give Scarlet some pointers?”
“I’m not sure if I can do that. It’s just…it’s my thing, you know?”
“Yeah, you do have a knack for it. You’re like one of those mystical matchmaker people or something.” He sighed. “How many more hoity toity parties with Scarlet you got lined up?”
“Two.”
“So you only have to keep her under control for two more events.”
I laughed and let my head loll back on my shoulders. “You have no idea how impossible it is to keep her under control. It’s not a thing. It’s like the singularity at the center of the black hole where Commander Reptilian got trapped in Aliens Versus Vampires V.”
“You lost me with that nerd shit.”
“I know.” I sat back up and stared at Jina’s article.
“But I have to say I like the new you.”
“New me?”
“Yeah. Ever since that little firecracker got ahold of you, it’s like you’re Willis turned up to eleven. And, for once, you’re chasing a girl.”
“I’m not chasing.”
He snickered. “Get real, man. You. Are. Chasing.”
I was interested. Okay, scratch that. Extremely interested in Scarlet. I knew she was trouble, but there was something about her that demanded I keep pushing, investigating, and looking for the real her beneath the fa?ade. Maybe Elias was right. Once she’d drawn me out of my shell, I had no intention of going back inside alone.
“Look, I have to get back on the Shitake Shocker prototype. The top brass hasn’t liked any of my ideas on it so far. I’ll send the SquickyLube over in a few via courier. Just give it to Scarlet. See if she’s interested. Tell her it pays like, I don’t know, a thousand-dollar consulting fee, okay?”
“Sure.” Did I just agree to hawk a SquickyLube on Elias’s behalf?
“One more thing. This is the second generation of the prototype. The first had a few, um, kinks.”
“Appropriate terminology.”
“Right. But this one should be fine.”
His less-than-certain tone made an alarm buzz in my mind. “What kind of kinks?”
“They’re worked out. Don’t worry about it. Thanks, man. Gotta go. But I’ll catch you later. Fuck you.”
“All right. Later.” We hung up, and I glanced at the time. Scarlet was supposed to arrive in an hour.
I finished up my thought on the body hair piece, then hopped into the shower. When I got out, I flipped through the take-out menus from my local spots and settled on Chinese. To cover all bases, I ordered way too much food and arranged for noon delivery. By the time I was dried off and dressed, the delivery guy was already knocking on the door.
Noon.
I set the food on my small kitchen counter and began unpacking it. Grabbing two plates, I laid out place settings and filled two glasses for us. Five minutes passed. I tapped my dancing Groot doll at the end of my eat-in bar. He started rocking out to the “Awesome Mix” as I stared at the door and willed Scarlet to knock.
Another painful minute passed. When I was about to open the fried rice and go to town, I heard a soft tap at the door. Adrenaline lit up every cell in my body. Just the expectation of her was enough to turn on all the lights inside my mind.
Swinging the door open, I found her just outside in a light pink dress with little ruffles along the shoulder straps and hem. She was a delectable piece of fruit that I wanted to bite into.
“You’re late.” I stepped back, and she walked in, her strappy heels clicking on my wood floors. Her familiar scent washed over me, and I couldn’t help but follow her toward the kitchen.