You're Invited(12)

She’s marrying the guy I was dating all through college, I had said to the women at brunch. Just a university sweetheart. It was almost painful how dismissive it was.

Because Spencer, well, he wasn’t just some guy. He would never be just some guy. It hurt me, like, actually physically hurt me, to think about the early days of our relationship. The days where he would convince me to play hooky and we would go to the movies and then for ice cream. Juvenile, childish things I’d missed out on growing up. He’d listen to me when I cried. When I told him how much I missed my mom or wanted desperately to hate my dad.

I was exhausted as I dragged myself back to my apartment and collapsed onto the couch. It wasn’t just the wedding announcement. I always felt this way after hanging out with the girls. So much of my life is spent on recovery mode.

I was so ridiculous, thinking they would understand. Thinking they would be on my side.

Sure, they were great for a weekly attempt at not being a hermit, but Jessica never really got me. She never had the need to. I was sweet, polite, calm Amaya. Amaya who spent her week selling overpriced cinnamon to fancy LA millennials. Who tipped more than anyone should and who was always happy to take a cab home by herself when the friends she came out with disappeared with guys they’d just met.

Jessica would have an aneurysm if she found out that I wear a collar and let a stranger I met on the internet put nipple clamps on me and deny me orgasms until he felt I was adequately whipped.

I sighed.

Five years ago I made a decision to walk away from my old life. That meant Spencer, Kaavi, and everyone in between. It hurt, but I had to do it, for my own sake. It was the first of many decisions where I made myself a priority, and while it broke my heart, it freed me. For the first time, I was truly on my own.

Had I flourished on my own? Perhaps not in every sense of the word. But I sure as hell got by. I had my routine. I had my fun. I had carved out some semblance of what I wanted, and I will keep chipping away at it until I can convince myself that I’m happy.

I pulled out my phone and ordered a large Thai tofu salad for dinner, then turned on Netflix and started searching for a show with some good old-fashioned bloodthirsty serial killers, settling into my favorite pastime.

My phone beeped, and I thought it would be a notification from DoorDash about my salad, but it was an email.

An email from Kaavindi Fonseka.

I sat up straight on my couch. No way she’s emailing me. Not now, after five years of not speaking to each other.

My fingers were sweaty, and it took a couple of tries for me to unlock my phone.

Hi Amaya,

How are you? I know this might seem really out of the blue, but I wanted you to hear it from me first. I’m getting married!

A little late there, Kaavi, but of course she wouldn’t know how obsessively I stalk her online.

It might come as a bit of a shock to you, after the way we left things, but I’m actually marrying Spencer. I just wanted to be straight up about it and get that out of the way. I know you’re probably thinking WTF, and I don’t blame you, but I would love it if you could come for the wedding. It would give us a chance to clear things up, once and for all, and to be honest, I’ve always pictured you at my wedding and I can’t imagine going through with it without you by my side. We’re keeping it small, no bridesmaids, and my baby sister, Nadia, will be my only flower girl. I don’t think you’ve had a chance to properly meet her, but she’s really sweet, and she’ll love to see you, I’m sure. My whole family misses you, actually. It would really mean so much, to all of us, if you could come.

I know it’s short notice and you probably have a lot going on, but please think about it?

Love and bubbles, (ha ha, remember when we signed off all our notes that way!)





Kaavi





The remnants of the one mimosa I had this morning rose to my throat. It burned. The distraction was welcome, even if it only took my mind off the email for a moment.

Kaavi invited me. Her whole family did.

Does that mean they’ve decided to forget about our agreement? The one where I was asked to never contact them ever again?

But there was no way I could go. Forget about our understanding. There was no way I could see Spencer. Not like this. Not with him happily marrying my best friend while I was single, alone, and well on my way to spinsterhood.

But the email kept burning in my mind.

My baby sister, Nadia, will be my only flower girl. I don’t think you’ve had a chance to properly meet her, but she’s really sweet, and she’ll love to see you.

There was a whole new person that I’d never got to know. There was so much that I’d missed. And not just Kaavi, but all of them. Was it possible for me to ever really move away from the only people who treated me like I was their own? The only make-believe family I had?

My heart felt like it was about to burst. Like I couldn’t breathe. I pinched the inner part of my arm, hard, relishing the feeling of my nails digging into my skin.

I took a deep breath and counted to five.

I locked my phone, unlocked it again. Closed the email, opened it again. Read through it many, many times. There was a file attached—an image of a wedding invitation. It was rose gold and delicate and perfect, just like I was sure the wedding would be.

There really was only one person I could speak to, and I was silly not to think about this sooner.