You Will Be Mine (Forever and Ever #7)(19)

He was sitting on the top step like usual, his back to me.

I sat by his side and stared straight ahead.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was quiet.

“There’s no need to apologize.”

“I’m not…good at this sort of thing.”

“Being happy?” I whispered.

He shrugged. “I’ve never liked the holidays…or celebrated them.”

I hooked my arm through his and leaned my head on his shoulder. Arsen was complicated and deep. His mind stretched indefinitely. I’d give anything to know what he was thinking, to understand his thoughts and emotions. I could only offer my ear so many times. He would only open up when he was ready to. “What were your holidays like?”

He rested his head against mine. He was quiet for so long I assumed he wouldn’t respond. “Non-existent,” he whispered. “We never had a tree. We never had presents. On Christmas day, my mom was hardly ever home.”

I wanted to ask him so many questions but I remained silent, letting him talk. I wanted to know what happened to his dad and if he had any siblings. I wanted to know everything about his life, no matter how painful it was.

“My mom was a…prostitute.” His voice cracked at the end, like he was embarrassed.

My heart stopped for a moment in time, soaking in his words. Then it continued onward.

“I didn’t realize it until I was older. But she would bring strange men to our apartment. She made me stay outside until they were done. And she told me not to knock on the door even if I needed something…”

I closed my eyes and felt them bubble with tears. Now I understood one aspect of his behavior. And it made me want to break down. I tried not to sniff so he wouldn’t know how sad I was for him.

“My dad left when he found out she was pregnant. I never knew him. Then one Christmas day, she told me to pack all my belongings because we were going on a trip. I was so excited I gathered all of my things…”

I didn’t want to hear the end of this. I couldn’t handle it.

“And she drove me to a building and asked me to get out. Then she told me she would be right back.”

I sniffed because I couldn’t stop myself.

“But she never came…” His voice was strained but he didn’t shed a tear. “The building was an orphanage. A lady came outside and told me it was my new home. I never heard from my mother again…”

I broke down and sobbed. Imagining him as a child standing on a curb with all his toys was too much. I wrapped my arms around him and sobbed, my chest heaving with the strength of my sorrow. “I’m so sorry…”

He said nothing, listening to me cry.

“I’m not going anywhere, Arsen. Now I understand why you always try to push me away…”

He kept his silence, sitting still.

I grabbed his face and forced him to look at me. His eyes were coated with tears, but the emotion was barely distinguishable. “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever known. I’m so proud of you.”

“Proud?” he whispered.

“Yes,” I said firmly. “You came from nothing and you’re so kind and strong.” I kissed his lips gently. “And now I want you even more.”

“You don’t…think less of me?”

New tears fell down my cheeks. “Never.” I pressed my face to his and continued to cry quietly. I’d never been in so much pain for another person. It shattered my heart over and over. I was certain I was in more pain over it than Arsen himself.

“You’re the first person who’s made me feel like I’m worth anything…”

“You’re worth so much,” I whispered.

Snow fell to the ground and the night was dead silent. I let my tears escape, and once they were on my cheeks, they felt cold from the frost. It was dark, and the parking lot was barely visible. We sat together, saying nothing. I held him tightly like he might slip out of my grasp.

“Beauty?” he whispered.

“Hmm?” I took a deep breath and stilled my tears.

“Thanks for decorating my first tree with me.”

My lungs hurt from the strain of my emotions. I was too overcome to say anything. So I said nothing at all.

***

Arsen didn’t go home for a few days. It was the longest he’d ever stayed with me. Normally, he would find a reason to leave. But now it didn’t seem like he wanted to.

He lay on the couch and held me on his chest. We’d been lounging around since my winter break started. The TV was on but I wasn’t watching it. I was happy, curled up in his lap. We hadn’t discussed the heartbreaking story of his past. It was so painful I didn’t even want to think about it. But I was honored he shared it with me. Now everything made sense. He pretended to be a jerk because he thought he was one. He pushed me away because he feared I would leave.

I gently kissed his neck while he lay underneath me then moved to his ear. “I like kissing you.”

“I like it too.” His voice was raspy and deep, like he hadn’t spoken in a long time.

I sat up and straddled his hips. Then I ran my hands up his chest. “Are you doing anything for Christmas?”

He shook his head.

“You want to spend it with me?”

He smirked. “I’d love to.”