You Can't Catch Me(40)

After I’d left the LOT, I’d tried to find a way to keep in touch with her, to let her know that the offer of rescue was still good, but it was impossible to reach her. The first summer, I borrowed Liam’s car and drove to the farmers’ market. I had my hair up in a baseball cap and sunglasses on—I was scared of being seen, caught, kidnapped in reverse. I waited around all day, but no one from the LOT ever showed. Feeling desperate when the market started packing up, I asked a few of the merchants I recognized whether they’d seen anyone from the Land of Todd.

“You mean those cult people?” one girl about my age asked.

I nodded.

“They don’t come here no more. Not since last summer.”

Not since I’d flown the coop. They must have figured out how Liam had gotten to me and had cut off that avenue of escape. What was I going to do?

I could ask Liam, only I hadn’t told Liam about Kiki. He knew I had family in the cult, that my parents were still there, but I hadn’t gone into the details of anyone else who mattered to me. When I first left, I was in too much pain and guilt to talk about it. I’d left Kiki behind. Even then, I knew I shouldn’t have done that. I should’ve forced her down the hill with me, even if it meant increasing the chance of discovery. She didn’t know what she was doing when she said she wanted to stay. She was programmed, brainwashed. What would Liam think of me if he knew I’d abandoned her? I was ashamed, so eventually I tucked Kiki away. I tried not to think about her. She’d made her choice, and there was nothing I could do.

I played all the time that had gone by over in my head on the drive to the LOT with Covington. It had been five years since I’d escaped. Five years since I’d seen Kiki. Would we be strangers to one another? Could she forgive me? Or was she now as brainwashed as our parents?

We timed our arrival so that we wouldn’t have to run the gauntlet of stares and questions our being there would raise. Todd hadn’t left instructions, so they were burying him in the Back Forest, Covington’s parents had told him. The main camp was abandoned and silent when we got there. Memories flooded back as we picked our way through the woods. Then we were there. A hundred people huddled silently around his grave. I picked out Kiki immediately, went to her side, and slipped my hand into hers. She squeezed it tight without looking at me, and my worry seeped away.

I looked around the circle defiantly, meeting the startled stares of the Toddians and avoiding those of my parents. What I wanted to do was make eye contact with Kiki. But when I finally did, I felt a chill run through me.

She didn’t look much different; she was different. She used to be positive and innocent. She wasn’t the most confident girl, but she was sure of her beliefs and her place in the world. She had confidence that Todd was right, that the path would be revealed, that everything had its purpose, including her. Her eyes told a different story now. She’d seen and experienced things she hadn’t thought possible, and I was afraid to ask what they were.

I leaned my head against hers and whispered into her ear. “You don’t need to be afraid anymore, Kiki.”

I felt her go slack. “Oh, Jess. Of course I do.”

JJ, Jessie, and I are sitting in the dark corner of another bar a few blocks away. JJ’s sitting across from us and she’s not smiling. She’s been observing us since we got to Philly, and she’s found us wanting.

“We were just having a bit of fun,” I say.

JJ ordered an old-fashioned, but she’s barely touched it, and the fizz from the champagne and grift has evaporated.

“I saw that.”

“I’m sorry. That was unacceptable.”

“It was.”

“I could explain, but no excuses.”

“I appreciate that,” JJ says. “I don’t like excuses.”

“I get it.”

She squints at me. Her face is permanently lined from the sun from when she served in Afghanistan. The false arm and hook she wears when cooking is absent; her green army-surplus jacket is tucked neatly over where her left arm should be. Her hair is that white, albino blonde you usually only see in children, her eyes a deep brown.

“You do?” she asks.

“You’ve seen enough bad in your life.”

“I’ve certainly seen enough of you two.”

“We deserve that. As I said, no excuses.”

“Right.”

She finally picks up her drink and swallows half the glass.

“I am curious, though,” I say.

“What about?”

“Why didn’t you walk away when you saw what we were doing? Why stay and watch? Why reveal yourself?”

JJ smiles slowly. Her teeth are straight and white, and the charisma I saw on YouTube finally shines through. “I’ve been asking myself those very questions.”

“Any answers?”

“Curiosity.”

“Killed the cat,” Jessie blurts. I stomp on her foot, but not too hard because I’m pretty sure she’s drunk. Whether it’s on the champagne or the high of taking Robert for $455 including a shitty tip, I’m not sure.

“That it did.” JJ finishes her drink and looks like she’s thinking about another. “Okay, so yeah, I’m curious. But I shouldn’t be. I should stay the fuck out of it.”

“That’s what I said,” Jessie says.