Yellow Wife(34)

I had just released a girl named Eliza to be marched across the courtyard to the white man who would be in control of her fate, when I felt a sharp pain in my belly. It came so sudden that I held the table so that I would not collapse.

July noticed me leaning into the door. “What’s the matter?”

“The baby. I think it is…” I hunched over as the pain rippled through my stomach and up my spine. Then it shot like daggers and made my whole body burn as if ignited.

“I get Elsie.” She led me to the chair, and before I could sit water gushed down my legs and onto my feet. The pain hit again so fast I bit my tongue.

Elsie appeared and put her hand on my shoulder. “Come on, gal.” She held one arm and July took the other as they led me into the house. The sharp pain came again and I had to stop at the gate and wait for it to pass. My vision went blurry as we walked down the hall to my room. I wanted to flop down but Elsie held me up while July padded my bed with rags. The discomfort hit again, harder this time, and I wailed. Elsie dropped between my legs and I could feel her hands inside of me.

“It’s right here. Just gimme a little push.”

I pushed.

“One more.”

I bore down again and then I heard a loud cry, powerful and strong.

“Got a boy.” Elsie held the baby up for me to see. “Let me clean him for you.”

“What you gon’ name him?” July wiped my brow with a cool rag.

I dared not take the chance and name him Essex. I had always been fond of Miss Sally’s lessons on the Founding Fathers of the country. Particularly of James Monroe. She said that he was so honest that if you turned his soul inside out there would not be a spot on it. I did not care so much for James but Monroe I liked.

“Monroe. Monroe Henry Brown.”

Elsie put the baby in my arms, and when I put him to my breast, he latched on fervently. Instantly, I experienced a new kind of love that I had not known existed. I was overwhelmed, scared, and excitedly drunk with this feeling all at the same time. In that moment, I knew I would do anything for my son. Anything at all.





CHAPTER 16




Motherhood

Elsie said I would be given a week to rest and adjust to caring for Monroe, but when the time passed Abbie told me to rest some more.

“Marse wantin’ you to take it slow.”

Cherishing Monroe came easy. He had ten little fingers and perfect toes. His skin smelled of powder, and sometimes when I watched him sleep his face would light up in what seemed like a smile. Even though I tried to rest, the moment I closed my eyes his lips started flapping. The boy ate so much that my nipples cracked and bled. But it was easy to forgive him, especially since he favored his father. Essex had stayed on my mind, but Monroe made me miss him in a new way. This child had come from our union, the deepest expression of our love, and I longed for him in my bones.

After Monroe’s birth, I stayed confined to the house. Three weeks passed with my attention fully on him. The Jailer had not called me for an evening visit, no work was required, but I itched to get outside and do something more. The promise of spring was in the air and I needed to feel the wind on my face. I took a long piece of material and tied Monroe to my back, the way I had seen the women in the fields do with their babies, and stepped out into the sunlight. As I crossed the courtyard, a group of people chained by the neck trudged along. Once again, the daily dose of misery, the sound of the defeated, the smell of waste and death pushed down my spirit. Elsie had told me I would get used to all of it. After seven months at the jail, I still had not. I suspected I never would.

I had only returned to my work for two days when the Jailer sent word that he wanted to see me. July took Monroe, and Abbie brought me a pail and cloth to wash my face and hands. Between the two of them, they were constantly reminding me to keep up my appearance, but truthfully, Monroe was all I cared about.

I entered the room and stood. When the Jailer saw me, he gestured for me to take a seat.

“Abbie left you a tea cake.”

“Thank you.” I lifted it from the table. He took pleasure again in watching me eat.

“You seem down,” he commented.

“I am fine, sir.”

“Maybe you need a change of scenery. Tomorrow Abbie will go to the market to shop. How would you like to leave the baby with July and go with her?”

He phrased this like a question but I knew it was a command. I was supposed to thank him for his kindness but I did not want to leave my new baby behind. I forced my mouth to smile.

“Good, it’s settled.”



* * *



On market day, Abbie had to wait a whole hour for me to get Monroe’s tummy full and settle him into his nap. July had been an angel, the way she helped me with everything. She felt like the little sister I never had. Abbie waited at the back door of the house as I slipped on my new bonnet, the Jailer’s latest gift; then I followed her through the courtyard. We passed Elsie. She looked me over but, instead of a proper greeting, gave a tsk of her teeth. The early spring temperature felt perfect for a day off, and the farther I got away from the house, the more I looked forward to the adventure. When we reached the guard at the jail’s entrance, I recoiled at the sound of the whip whistling through the air. Abbie and I exchanged glances and moved even faster. After showing her pass, we were permitted to exit. The heavy gates of the jail closed and locked behind us.