Worth the Risk(13)

“A mother can wish, can’t she?”

“You’ve had two weddings and added two more grandkids in the last three years. I think Grady and Grant are holding down the fort just fine for me.”

“And now I don’t need to worry about your brothers and can focus all my help on you. I heard you were out with what’s-her-name not too long back?”

She’s relentless, and I don’t need or want her help, but I humor her.

“What’s-her-name? She can’t be too important if you don’t even remember her name.” I chew on a smile, knowing I’m frustrating her.

“Anna Metz.”

“That was like three months ago.”

“Well, was there something wrong with her? Why’d you cut it off?”

I glance over to where Luke is playing in the backyard with Moose before leveling her with a stare.

“I’m not seeing anyone right now. I never am.”

“So, you just sleep with them, then? That’s no way to find a woman to settle down with.”

“No one said I was trying to settle down. Remember? I already tried that once. We both know how that turned out.” There’s bitterness in my tone that she doesn’t deserve.

But then again, I didn’t deserve what happened, either. To have the perfect life I swore we were headed toward blow up in my face all because of outside influence. And affluence. I’ll never put myself in that position again. I’ll never allow myself to strive for a happily ever after because that means I’d have to depend on someone else to get it.

“Not all women are like Claire, Gray.” Her hand is on my arm, her voice softens.

“Feels like I’m fucking surrounded by them these days,” I mutter.

“What?”

“Nothing. I know they aren’t, Mom. I know all women don’t walk away from a son when he’s a couple of months old and then go through the legal proceedings to terminate all parental rights. And most kids don’t ask every night if they’re ever going to have a mom and look for one in every woman their father talks to. I know settling down might be good for me, but I can’t put Luke through the false hope every damn time.”

“Having a woman around might be good for him.”

“We’ve been over this. You’ve seen it with your own eyes. Any woman I bring into my life, Luke becomes attached to. I can’t risk him being crushed when we call it off. He’s had more heartbreak than most kids should ever have to go through. So I get it, Mom. I appreciate that you’re trying to tell me to have a life outside of being a parent . . . but not right now. Not when he’s this young. Not when trust is an issue for him as much as it is for me.”

“The only way to combat a lack of trust is to invite someone into your life and show him how to trust.”

“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I would love for him to have a mother who could take him to the million school activities that all the other moms are at, so he doesn’t feel left out? I do, but I’m not there yet.”

“I’ll go with him. Any time. You just tell me when.”

My sigh is heavy and is matched by Luke’s laughter outside. I stare at him, at this perfect piece of me, and hate that he suffers because I couldn’t make Claire happy enough to stay.

Then again, I don’t think anything was more important to her than her.

“I know you will, and I appreciate it. But it isn’t the same.”

“I know.” Her hand rests on my arm as we both watch him roll around while Moose tries to lick every inch of his face. “Then, you go with him to those mother functions. You’re as much his mother as you are his father.”

“That’s comical.”

“I’m being serious.”

“I know you are. It’s just . . .”

“It’s hard balancing being a parent and being a person, being a single man. You aren’t alone, though. There are tons of single parents—men and women—who face the same exact thing as you are, and they don’t give up. They can’t. It’s their mini-me beside them who’s looking up to them and preventing them from giving up.”

I meet her eyes and see the compassion there. I know she means well, but some conversations are better not had with your mother. Like ones about sex and how casual it is or isn’t. “I have a lot of shit on my plate right now, Mom. A lot. The last thing I need to do is get involved with someone.”

“You’ll be back to work before you know it.”

“I shouldn’t be suspended from flying to begin with.”

“You always were one to take risks.” Her eyes meet mine, and I can tell she wishes she could take this all away for me, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.

“In my job, I have to. That’s how I save lives.”

“You took off when you were told not to, Gray. You disobeyed orders.”

“Are you siding with them now? Christ.” I shove a hand through my hair and pinch the bridge of my nose.

“No. I’m a cop’s wife,” she says and winks as if I didn’t know it. “I understand that sometimes the line needs to be blurred. But I also know there are supervisors for a reason.”

Silence settles between us, and I push out a deep breath. There is no reason for me to be upset with her because, like before, I know she’s right. “How did we get on this topic?”