Without Merit(43)

When I’m sure I’ve fought the tear back successfully, I look at Sagan. He’s staring back at me sympathetically. There’s a quiet reassurance about him. Maybe it’s the way he seems to listen without judging. He nods a little, like he understands what I’m trying to say. But then he shrugs. “Not every mistake deserves a consequence. Sometimes the only thing it deserves is forgiveness.”

I immediately have to look away because that comment hits me like a punch in the gut. I wish I could apply that thinking to my family but I’m not sure I’m capable of that much forgiveness.

Sagan pulls his right leg up and rests his chin on his knee, wrapping his arms around his leg. He stares out over the backyard, focused on nothing. “Merit?”

I squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t even want to look at him because I can tell in his voice that he’s about to ask me something I don’t want to answer. “What?” I whisper. It feels like my heart is swollen when I finally look at him. Or maybe bloated is a better term for this.

“What was going on today? In your room?”

I immediately break eye contact with him. Please don’t let him be referring to what he saw from the hallway.

“Were you and Luck . . .”

That’s exactly what he’s referring to.

“Did you have sex with him?”

I’m shocked that he came straight out and asked it. I open my mouth and then clamp it shut because I’m too embarrassed to respond. And even a little bit angry. Why is it his business? He’s having sex with his dying friend’s girlfriend. It shouldn’t be any of his concern who I’m having sex with.

I roll my eyes and push myself off the ground. “That’s such an inappropriate question. Especially coming from you.”

He looks a little ashamed that he asked it, but he doesn’t apologize. He just silently watches me as I walk back toward the house. I go straight to my bedroom and close the door. It’s not until I lock it that I remember my food in the microwave. “Great,” I mutter. I’m not about to walk back out of this room. I hate being hungry. It makes me angry, and when I’m already upset, it makes me really angry. I’m angry and starving and now that I’ve picked up my phone, I have to read through all these texts from Honor. I fall onto the bed and scroll to the top.

Honor: Okay, so tomorrow night. I’m going to visit my friend, Colby. I have to drive to Dallas, so I won’t be home until the middle of the night.

Honor: I promised Sagan this morning I wouldn’t go, so I really can’t let him find out.

Honor: Or Dad. He’ll be just as angry if he knows.

It really annoys me how she thinks every sentence should be a separate text. Why can’t she just write me one long paragraph?

Honor: Sagan works until after ten tomorrow night. I’m going to text him around nine and tell him I’m tired and I’m going to bed. So that won’t be an issue.

Honor: But Dad might notice I’m missing tomorrow evening, so just tell him I wasn’t feeling well and that I went to bed early. If he tries to check on me, tell him you already did and that I’m fine.

Honor: I’ll lock my bedroom door just so no one can walk in and see that I’m not there.

Honor: Are you getting these texts?

Honor: Merit?

Honor: Will you please just agree to cover for me this once? I’ll owe you one.

I laugh at that. What do I ever do that would warrant collecting on a favor?

Merit: Got it.

Honor: Thank you!

Merit: Quick question, though. Why are you doing this to Sagan?

Honor: Can you please withhold judgment just once in your life?

Merit: Fine. I’ll hold off judging your indiscretions until the day after tomorrow.

Honor: Thank you.

I set down my phone. I turn off my lamp and my room grows pitch black. With no windows and no lights on outside the room, I can’t see a single thing. It’s the first semblance of peace I’ve had all day.

I wonder if this is what death is like. Just . . . nothing.





Chapter Nine





You should go see if Honor needs anything to eat before you go to bed,” my father says.

Honor. The sick sister, holed up in her bedroom all night. Poor thing. “I took her some food earlier,” I lie. I pull the plug out of the sink and let the water drain. It was Honor’s night to do dishes, but she’s not here to do them. That’s another favor she owes me.

“Has she taken any medicine?” my father asks.

I nod. “Yeah, I took her some earlier. Right after she vomited all over the bathroom floor.” If I’m going to lie for her, I’m going to make it worth my time. “Don’t worry, I spent half an hour cleaning up after her. There was vomit everywhere. I even washed all the towels.”

My father buys it. “That was nice of you.”

“That’s what sisters are for.”

I should probably stop. It’s becoming obvious just how full of shit I am.

“Hopefully it’s not contagious,” Victoria says. “The last thing I need right now is a virus. We’re being audited by the state next week.”

Glad to hear she’s so concerned for my ill sister.

“Good night, Merit,” my father says. He’s looking at me with uncertainty in his eyes. He’s still concerned I’m going to reveal his terrible secret.