Winter Loon(53)

“He thought you what?”

I imagined her grip on my wrist, the ice beneath me cracking, the cold water seeping into my long johns for the moments before the ice gave and I launched face-first into the lake with my dying mother. I felt her hands and arms on my head, pushing me under. I saw my dad’s slippers floating to the bottom, where the two of us, mother and son, would eventually sink. Two lives ending so tragically. What a shame! they would say.

“Nothing.” The detectives talked about notifying next of kin.

“So that’s that now? You done?”

“You think it’s my fault, don’t you, what happened to my mother.”

Ruby’s head cranked sideways so I couldn’t see her eyes at all.

“That’s why you’re so mean, why you don’t do anything for me. You can’t even look at me.”

“Who do you think you are? We never do nothing for you . . . put clothes on your back, food on your plate, roof over your head.”

“You barely even know I’m alive. Half the time, I eat over at Jolene’s anyway,” I said.

“You feel free to take every meal over there.”

“Maybe I will,” I said. I purposefully blocked the television when I stood to leave. “I did everything I could. To save her. I did. I’m not sure she wanted to be saved.”

She leaned back and crossed her arms, but I could see a kind of sorrow in her eyes as she stared me down. She blinked first.

“Go on, then. Move. I’m trying to watch this program.”



I SLAMMED THE DOOR AS hard as I could, hoping it would knock some of the crap off the walls. Snow was in the forecast and the smell of it hung in the air. I wanted to go back in to get my coat, but I didn’t want to give Ruby the satisfaction.

I parked Troy’s Bronco out front and killed the engine. I felt safe there behind the wheel of a truck that had been my own for even those hours. I savored that freedom feeling and the quiet before I would go into Jolene’s house, where I knew I would be bombarded with questions. Through the front window, I could see that the television was on and make out heads with black hair against the couch. I climbed the steps, knocked on the door, and opened it at the same time, like I always did.

They were there in the living room, my other family, the one that I thought cared about me, that asked how I was. The one that fed me and let me in. Troy in his recliner, Mona on the floor near his feet. Mariah sprawled out next to Mona, a bowl of popcorn in front of her. And next to Jolene was Lester Two Kills, his arm casually over her shoulder.

“Hey, Wes,” said Mona. “C’mon in. You want something to eat?” She jumped up and headed for the kitchen.

I couldn’t stop looking at Jolene and Lester on the couch.

“Come sit down,” Jolene said, patting the spot next to her on the couch where Lester wasn’t. “Tell us everything.”

“Oh, you know . . .” I said. I fumbled with the keys in my hand, unable to take my eyes off Jolene and Lester next to each other like that. “Uh, Troy. Your keys. Thanks so much.”

“Any time. It’s a piece of shit but it gets the job done in a pinch.”

“There’s some chicken in here, Wes,” said Mona from the kitchen.

My mouth was dry as a spent well. “No,” I said, thinking what a fool I’d been. Here I’d let myself pretend I was part of something that I knew in reality I wasn’t. No wonder she told me not to hurry back. Find your dad. Find your people. Your own people. People worthless as fallout ash. I would never be able to wipe them from my shoulders.

“No, no, thanks, Mona. Really. I just came—”

Jolene got up and headed toward me. I backed away. “To drop off the keys.”

“What’s the matter? Did something happen?” Jolene asked. “Come sit down.”

Lester was on the couch still, feet up on the coffee table, eyebrows raised.

Every throb of my pounding heart jolted me. I was not wanted. Not here. Not anywhere. I couldn’t hear it again. I stuttered a plan. “Gotta go. Meeting some people. Down at the Idle Hour. Shoot some pool.”

“You’re going to go shoot pool. What? With Kathryn Rook? Who else do you know hangs out down there?”

I lashed out. “Yeah, Jo, maybe Kathryn. Is that okay with you? Do I have to clear that with you before I go?”

“You sure you don’t want something, Wes?” Mona asked, wiping her hands on the back of her pants as she came out of the kitchen.

“Really, thanks, but no. Thanks,” I said, and headed back out the door. Jolene followed me onto the porch.

“Wes Ballot, what are you doing?”

“So you and Lester, huh?” I shoved my hands into my jeans pockets. It will be easier this way. She deserves someone better than me. “Makes sense, really. I mean, basketball stud, good-looking guy, plus he’s got the whole Indian thing going for him.”

“Oh, for shit sake, Wes! Don’t be an idiot. I was waiting for you all day. Lester’s hanging out. Like always.”

Troy was at the screen door, Lester behind him.

“Don’t worry, Troy. I won’t bother y’all anymore,” I said, and waved him off like none of this was a big deal. Like I had better places to be. I took off down the street into the darkness.