Widowish: A Memoir(53)

Sophie stood in front of me and burst into tears. At the most, three seconds had elapsed. Her feelings were so raw, so immediate. Tears weren’t just sliding down her cheeks, they were pouring. She turned red and started screaming, “That’s disgusting! He knew Daddy! It’s not right, Mom! You can always have another husband, but I’ll never have another dad! I hate you, and I hate him!”

I tried to interject with “But I like that he knew Daddy!” and “Daddy’s still my husband!” but I could barely get the words out. She stormed off, distraught, upset, angry.

I closed my eyes and sat there, my heart racing. I heard her bedroom door slam shut. If I felt bad about keeping this from her before, I felt even worse now. How could I have been so stupid? So careless? So thoughtless? I sat there crying.

I’m ruining Sophie’s life!

I’m the worst mother in the world!

I can’t do this alone!

I considered calling things off with Marcos, waiting to start dating until Sophie was in college. I sat in my office, searching for clarity by whispering to Joel.

I’m sorry, hun.

I fucked up, Joel.

I’m so sorry.

I kept waiting for Sophie’s breakdown. I kept thinking that she was going to fall apart at some point, with the realization that Joel was forever gone. She was quiet about her grief, more private than I was. But this breakdown she was having was at my doing. I was the one causing this pain and I couldn’t bear it.

And then I thought of Iyanla. She says asking for help and offering gratitude will help in any kind of crisis. I tried so hard to do both.

What do I do?

What should I do?

Thank you for telling me what to do!

But I didn’t know who “you” was.

I couldn’t get my mind to slow down. I had read somewhere that sometimes the best thing to do in a crisis is nothing. Nothing was about all I could handle. I was exhausted. I was sad. I was so angry with myself.

I went to my room, undressed, washed my face, and got in bed. I lay on my back, one hand on my heart, one on my belly. I inhaled deeply, exhaled deeply. I tried to make my mind quiet, but my heart felt so heavy. I got still and just kept breathing.

Inhale . . . exhale . . . inhale . . . exhale.

My mind slowed down. I thought of Joel. He’s who I needed in that moment. I exhaled deeply and whispered to him.

Hun, I said. I’m losing my mind, and I miss you. I don’t know how I can live in this world without you.

I took another breath.

I’m seeing Marcos. I kind of think you know that. Do you? Are you OK with it?

I was crying now.

I’m worried about Sophie. I need you here for her. I will be OK, I’m stronger than I thought. But Sophie needs you. I’m not enough for her on my own. I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

And out of nowhere, these thoughts came into my head.

We will be OK.

Sophie knows I love her. She knows that Joel loves her.

Joel is with us. Joel is with us. Joel is here.

And in the stillness of my room, my face wet with tears, I opened my eyes, and I swear I heard Joel say to me, “No matter what occurs, I will find you.”

I felt him. He found me at my lowest and showed up anyway.

I was getting dressed for Mimi’s birthday party and still hadn’t brought up Marcos to Sophie since the date debacle. It had been almost a full week, and neither of us said anything about it. We went about our lives, intertwined as we were, as if it never happened. But I didn’t want more time to pass before bringing it up again, especially because I would be out with Marcos that night.

She was on the couch watching TV.

“What are you watching?” I asked.

“Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

“Oh,” I said and sat next to her.

“Their dad died, too,” she said. “When they were young.”

“I know. Do they talk about him on the show?”

“All the time!” she said. “They just showed an episode with them watching home movies of him. It was sad, but good.”

“That’s really sweet,” I said.

“I know. I want to watch my bat mitzvah video again.”

We tried to watch it months earlier, but it was difficult. Seeing Joel again, struggling to walk but with a big smile on his face, hearing his voice; it felt tragic. We stopped the video less than halfway through.

“We’ll definitely do that,” I said. “Whenever you want.”

People may make fun of the Kardashians, and I totally get that, but they also celebrate their father on his birthday and keep his memory alive in so many ways. They had survived his loss. It gave Sophie hope that she would survive Joel’s, too.

I said to Sophie, “So. We don’t have to talk about this right now, but I want you to know Marcos is going to be at Mimi’s later.”

She nodded. I said, “He’s a good person, Smoosh.”

“I don’t hate him,” she said quietly.

“Thank you for saying that,” I said. “But even if you did, it would be OK. Your feelings are yours to have. But I like him very much, and I want you to understand that he will never replace Daddy. No one ever will.”

She looked at me, her voice shaky. “I just miss him,” she said.

I reached out and pulled her into my arms.