White Rabbit(54)

Sebastian and Lia both turn to me with identically incredulous looks. Shaking her head, she asks, “I’m sorry, what?”

Simultaneously, Sebastian practically shrieks, “Are you kidding?”

“Hayden wants his money back,” I explain levelly. “He didn’t get it from Fox, and he couldn’t get it from Arlo, so that’s where he’ll be headed next. Trust me—his parents raised him on a steady diet of ‘I want to speak with your superior.’”

Lia actually starts laughing at me. “Lyle’s not some dude in a sweater vest making shift schedules at fucking Applebee’s, Rufus. He is a seriously bad guy, and he will turn you inside-the-fuck-out just for thinking you have the right to talk to him!”

“Fine. But do you know how to get in touch with him?”

“You’re not listening to me.” Her voice hardens as she grows annoyed by my cluelessness. “Even Arlo was afraid of this guy. Does that tell you anything? I mean, he will literally kill you dead, and it will not bother him one damn bit.”

“I don’t think he will,” I rebut, sounding far more nonchalant than I actually feel. “Somebody just whacked two of his guys and shut down his business operations in Burlington. He might be happy to help set Hayden up for an arrest.”

“Or else, you know, firebomb Hayden’s entire neighborhood,” Lia shoots back.

“Rufus.” Sebastian approaches me, his face taut and his eyes serious, and he takes me by the shoulders. Nostalgic goose bumps erupt reflexively across my bare skin at his warm, gentle touch, and I struggle not to show him how much I like it. “What you’re thinking of doing is insane. Like, legit insane. You say ‘somebody’ whacked his guys—well, what if it was Lyle? What if Fox and Arlo were already dead before Hayden got to them? This dude isn’t gonna thank you for digging into his business!”

“Lyle wasn’t behind Fox’s death,” I assert confidently. Sebastian tries to speak again, but I cut him off. “Arlo’s plan was to get enough money to lie low until Lyle could cool off, right? Well, if he’d just seen Lyle waste Fox, then blackmailing him over it wouldn’t exactly be a shortcut off the guy’s shit list. It doesn’t even make sense.”

“You’re just making guesses!” Sebastian glares. “Guys in Arlo’s position turn on their bosses all the time—and they usually wind up just as dead!”

“Which Arlo would know,” I rejoin, “which is why it makes even less sense that he would try to blackmail Lyle before turning to one of his many rich-ass friends for a loan, if he needed fast cash to get out of town.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Lia is still laughing, but it’s a sound like someone scraping rust off a drainpipe. “This whole conversation is ridiculous! Lyle is part of a fucking gang, you moron! If you go to him for any reason and start talking about shit that could get him in trouble, he will break your legs off and beat you with them!”

“No, he won’t,” I inform them both with a reluctant sigh. “Lyle Shetland is one of the few people in this city who actually likes me.”

*

At some point shortly after the beginning of the eighth grade, I began to realize that the feelings I had for Eric Shetland had gone beyond regular friendship. Believe it or not, it took me sort of by surprise; despite all the jeers and jibes from Hayden and his friends, mocking my more feminine mannerisms, it had literally never occurred to me that I might actually be gay. But the fascinated rush when I was with Eric, the achy longing when I wasn’t … it just became harder and harder to shrug off as the year wore on.

He was one of my best friends, and I was terrified that my secret might ruin our bond, but by the time spring break rolled around, the pressure inside me had built to a point where I simply couldn’t take it anymore. I had to say something, I realized, or our friendship would self-destruct anyway.

It was early May before I got up the courage to tell him how I felt. Eric had come over to my house after school, and we were eating homemade pizza bagels and watching The Raid 2 on Netflix, when I finally couldn’t keep it in any longer. Pausing the movie, I turned to him and just blurted it out. “Um. I don’t know if you’ve noticed me acting weird lately? But if you have, it’s because, um, I think … well, I’ve realized that, um, I’m gay?”

He froze, then looked over at me like he’d never seen me before. “Oh.”

“Yeah. And … and also. Also. I think, also, that … I like you. Like … Like-like.”

“Oh.” Eric’s face turned the color of a dead tooth, and a strange sound emerged from his throat. “Uh. Okay. That’s cool. I mean, I’m not like that? But it doesn’t bother me that you are.” He looked fairly bothered, though. “Like, you’re my friend and all, but I like girls. You know? Like-like them. So, um, I’m not … into you. Like that.”

“Okay,” I said, nodding like a slowly deflating parade balloon. I’d been prepared to hear that, but it still made something come painfully loose in my chest. “I get it. I just, I wanted to be honest with you. Because you’re one of my best friends. At least, I hope you’re still one of my best friends?”

“Well, yeah, sure.” He inched subtly away from me across the carpet. “I mean, as long as you know that’s all we are. Friends.”