We Own the Sky(86)

2

I lie on the sofa in my boxers and watch an American talk show. I cannot sleep at night without my usual anesthetic, so I stay up until the early hours, tossing and turning, my mind racing. I can deal, I think, with the cravings; I expected that.

But what I did not expect is the constant film of sweat on my back, the needles that crawl under my skin, my heart stuttering and leaping like an old roller coaster.

I shudder, suddenly freezing, and pull a blanket up around my neck. What

have I done? Perhaps the fragments that I remember are just the beginning.

Perhaps I lashed out at Anna when I was drunk, or said even more unspeakable things. I remember the morning I woke up with a bruise on my arm, and I have no idea how I got it.

It is nothing, though, nothing to what I have done to Jack. Human plasma.

Unlicensed drugs. “An astounding negligence of care.” And now a new fear, that keeps me awake at night: that Dr. Sladkovsky’s treatments might have hastened Jack’s death.

Re: Dr. Sladkovsky arrested

by Rob? Sun May 14, 2017 4:39 am

Hello  everyone,  I  haven’t  been  on  Hope’s  Place  for  a  while  and  just wanted  to  reply  to  Chemoforlifer’s  post,  as  I  am  one  of  those  people whose son was treated by Dr. Sladkovsky.

I am disgusted with myself. My wife was adamant that we shouldn’t do

the treatment but I went against her wishes and took my son Jack there.

(Jack was diagnosed in spring 2014 and died in January 2015, not long

after we left the clinic.)

I am full of so much guilt and so much pain. I have been drinking since

Jack’s  death,  drinking  myself  into  the  ground  every  day.  I  have  stopped now but I just don’t know how I can keep doing this anymore.

I hate myself for what I have done to my son and to my wife. I am so

ashamed  I  feel  like  killing  myself.  I  don’t  give  a  shit  about  anyone  else other than myself. To everyone that I have hurt, I am so sorry.

Re: Dr. Sladkovsky arrested

by Chemoforlifer? Sun May 14, 2017 7:40 am

First, Rob, I hope you’re okay. And please, if you want to talk about any of  this,  do  send  me  a  PM  or  give  me  a  call  (number  in  my  sig).  Please don’t  suffer  alone  and  remember  your  friends  on  Hope’s  Place  are  all here for you. Regarding Dr. Sladkovsky, well, it takes guts to say that, to admit your mistake. We all live and learn. I wish you peace.

Just as I am logging out of  Hope’s Place, I receive a private message through the forum.

Subject: Re:

Sent: Sun May 14, 2017 3:21 pm

From: naws09

Recipient: Rob

Are you okay? I know I don’t know you but I don’t like to see someone in

distress.  Please  don’t  kill  yourself.  There  is  too  much  sadness  in  this world.  I  lost  my  little  girl,  Lucy,  a  few  years  ago  and  understand  exactly how  you  feel.  I  know  how  dark  it  can  get  and  I  know  how  long  that darkness  lasts.  Anyway,  I  just  wanted  to  let  you  know  that  you  have  a friend if you ever want to talk.

Subject: Re: Re:

Sent: Mon May 15, 2017 8:45 am

From: Rob

Recipient: naws09

Hello, naws09. Thanks so much for your kind note. I feel like a bit of an idiot,  to  be  honest.  I  was  feeling  very  down  and  detoxing  from  all  the alcohol when I wrote that post. Sorry, didn’t want to alarm you.

I was humbled by the amount of strangers, like yourself, who sent me

PMs  saying  they  were  worried  about  me  and  offering  their  support.  So thank you so much. It means a lot to me.

I think, deep down, that’s what I really want—to talk—because I have

kept  everything  inside  me  for  so  long.  I  remember  when  my  wife  was telling me I needed help after Jack died and I knew I needed it but I just couldn’t do it, wasn’t brave enough I suppose.

I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how do you do it? Staying alive, I

mean.  Once  again,  thanks  very  much  for  your  kind  note.  I  really  do appreciate it.

Best Wishes,

Rob

Subject: Re: Re:

Sent: Tue May 16, 2017 7:06 pm

From: naws09

Recipient: Rob

Hello, Rob, nice to hear from you and I’m glad you’re feeling better now.

Well done, by the way, on the drinking, or lack of drinking, rather.

You asked me how I do it. Well, I certainly don’t have the formula. And

I’m not sure I have any decent advice. As mundane as it sounds, I keep

myself busy: I work a lot, I run, I go to the gym. I try to take an interest in things: new books, the TV series that everyone is talking about at work.