Verity(48)

I could feel him growing softer inside me, so I pulled the plug out of the back of the monitor. We could still hear the cries coming from down the hallway, but I was certain I could drown them out if he’d just resume where we left off.

“I’ll go check,” he said, trying to roll off me. I pulled him back to the bed and climbed on top of him.

“I’ll go when you finish. Let her cry for a few minutes. It’s good for them.”

He didn’t seem comfortable with that, but once my mouth was back on his dick, he accepted it.

I’d gotten so much better at swallowing compared to the first time I attempted it. I could feel him ready to come, so I pretended I was gagging. I don’t know why, but that always set him off, thinking I was choking on his cock. Men. He groaned, and I forced him farther down my throat with another gurgling sound, and then it was over. I swallowed, wiped my mouth, and then stood up. “Go to sleep. I can deal with it.”

I actually wanted to deal with it this time. It was the first time I’d ever felt anything other than irritation at the thought of having to feed them. But I wanted to feed Chastin. Hold her, cuddle her, love her. I was excited when I approached their bedroom.

But that excitement turned to irritation as soon as I saw that it was Harper who was crying.

How disappointing.

Their cribs were head to head, and I was surprised Chastin was sleeping through Harper’s screams. I walked past Harper and looked down at Chastin.

It hurt how much I felt for her in that moment. It hurt how much I wanted Harper to shut up.

I lifted Chastin out of her crib and carried her to the rocking chair. When I sat down with her, she stirred in my arms. I thought about my dream and how terrified I was to see Harper trying to hurt her. I thought I might cry just from the thought of losing her someday. At the thought of it all one day possibly coming true.

Maybe what I felt was mother’s intuition. Maybe, deep down, I knew something terrible was going to happen to Chastin, and that’s why I had been given that immense and sudden love for her. What if it was the universe’s way of telling me to love that baby girl as much and as hard as I possibly could, because I wouldn’t have her for as long as I would have Harper?

Maybe that was why I felt nothing for Harper yet. Because Chastin was the one whose life was going to be cut short. She would die, and then Harper would be the only one left.

I knew, somewhere inside me, I must have been burying the love I had for Harper. Saving it for after my time with Chastin.

I squeezed my eyes shut, getting a headache from Harper’s screaming. Shut the fuck up! Crying, crying, crying! I’m trying to bond with my baby!

I tried to ignore it for a few more minutes, but I was afraid it would concern Jeremy. I eventually put Chastin back in her bed, surprised she was still asleep. She really is a good baby. I moved to Harper’s crib and looked down at her, filling with anger. It somehow felt like her fault that I’d had the dream.

Maybe I was misinterpreting my dream. Maybe it wasn’t a premonition. Maybe it was a warning. If I didn’t do something about Harper before it was too late, Chastin would die.

I suddenly had this overwhelming urge to rectify what I knew was going to happen. Never in all my life had a dream been that vivid to me. I felt if I didn’t do something about it in that moment, it would come true any day. For the first time, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing Chastin. It hurt almost as much as the thought of losing Jeremy.

I didn’t know anything about ending a life, much less the life of an infant. The one time I’d tried, it resulted in nothing more than a scratch. But I’d heard of SIDS. Jeremy had made me read about it. It’s not uncommon, but I didn’t know enough about it to know if they would be able to tell a difference between suffocation and SIDS.

I’d heard of people choking in their sleep on their own vomit, though. That would probably be harder to declare an intentional act.

I touched my finger to Harper’s lips. Her head moved back and forth quickly, thinking it was a bottle. She latched on and began sucking the tip of my finger, but she wasn’t satisfied. She released my finger and started screaming again. Kicking. I shoved my finger farther into her mouth.

She was still crying, so I continued to shove. She made a gasping sound, but was somehow still crying. Maybe one finger wasn’t enough.

I pushed two fingers into her mouth and throat, until my knuckles were pressed against her gums and she was no longer crying. I watched her for a moment, and soon, her arms began to stiffen between each violent jerk of her little body. Her legs locked up.

This is what she would have done to her sister if I hadn’t done it to her first. I’m saving Chastin’s life.

“She okay?” Jeremy asked.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I pulled my fingers out of Harper’s mouth and picked her up, pressing her face into my chest so Jeremy couldn’t hear her gasping for air. “I don’t know,” I said, turning to him. He was making his way across the room. My voice was frantic. “I can’t make her happy. I’ve tried everything.” I was petting the back of her head, attempting to show him how concerned I was.

That’s when she puked on me. As soon as she puked, she screamed. Wailed. Her voice sounded hoarse, and she was gasping between screams. It was a cry like neither of us had ever heard before. Jeremy quickly grabbed her, pulling her from me so he could try to soothe her.