True Places(61)

Mia began to eat. Between bites, she said, casually, “So what’s going on?”

Suzanne held her fork but didn’t touch her salad. Whit had asked her to account for her behavior. Tinsley had called to admonish her—and suggest yet again she return Iris, with the receipt and in the original packaging. Brynn had stopped talking to Suzanne, and Iris was taking all her cues from Brynn. And Reid? Suzanne would have expected him to understand her frustration and disillusionment, but the last few days he seemed to be avoiding her. No one had asked her the open question Mia had.

“I feel like I’ve failed Iris. She hasn’t even been here a month and I’ve already lost her.”

“Lost her? How?”

“To Brynn.” She realized how petty and competitive that sounded. “I don’t have a problem with them being friends—obviously, that would be wonderful—but I question Brynn’s motives.”

Mia was unfazed. “We both know Brynn is a force to be reckoned with.” She took a bite of focaccia. “But what is the girl doing exactly?”

Suzanne shrugged. “That’s it. I don’t know. I don’t think I have for quite a while. It’s like she’s on the other side of a piece of glass, only it’s not actually transparent. Brynn controls what I see.”

“She’s fifteen. They all want to get away with murder—or at least mayhem.”

“I know. But somehow it feels more corrupt than it should.”

Mia stopped chewing. “Corrupt is a strong word.”

“My feelings are running pretty strong. Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“I suppose that’s correct.”

Suzanne sipped her water. She still hadn’t touched her food. Her stomach was sour.

“Mia, don’t you sometimes wonder what it is we’re doing?”

“Meaning?”

Her mind was filled with myriad thoughts, charged with emotion that sent them spinning at unpredictable angles. She willed them into alignment. “Perhaps you don’t wonder what you’re doing because you’ve held on to your career with both hands. But for the rest of us, for all the mothers who spend every waking moment striving to perfect their children’s lives, don’t you wonder what it serves?”

Mia smiled. “The little darlings. It serves our darling children. And make no mistake, just because I outsource a lot of tasks, I’m doing the same thing, in practice.”

Suzanne nodded, although she wasn’t convinced it was, in fact, the same. Throwing money at a problem wasn’t equivalent to throwing your life at it. Funny how she had just called child rearing “a problem.” Suzanne pushed that thought aside and pressed on. “Of course it’s for the kids. But is it good for them? And I’m not sure I’m even allowed to pose this question, but what about us, the parents? Is it good for us?”

Her friend studied her. Suzanne had the full attention of an adult, and it felt like sunlight.

Mia said, “This is what you’ve been thinking about?”

“Yes.”

“It’s subversive, to be sure.”

“Don’t joke.”

“I am, but not really.” Mia paused, reflecting. Her lawyerly mind was working, running through theories, scenarios. “So first. I agree it’s crazy. All the stuff, all the attention, all the details that don’t make a damn bit of difference, like stressing over what shade of blue the high-tech team jersey ought to be. They can’t play in Fruit of the Loom T-shirts?”

Suzanne leaned toward her. “Right. It’s not exactly a revelation because everyone talks about it. Everyone is aware of it and complains about it, or at least most people do. But no one takes their own misgivings seriously. That’s what gets me. Everyone agrees that it’s crazy, but no one changes anything. They just laugh it off and get in line.”

“Because everyone we know lives and parents this way. It’s the water we swim in.”

“It’s the Kool-Aid we drink. Iris helped me see that.”

“Iris says this?”

“Not directly. But I’ve spent weeks explaining this world to her: why we buy things, why we need so many choices, why we try to get so much money, why we never sit still, why we throw so much away. I hear myself explain all this—or try to—and I can’t believe how ridiculous I sound.” Suzanne swallowed hard. She took a breath and spread her arms out wide. “I can’t believe this is me.”

Mia met her gaze. “Where is Whit in all this?”

“Nowhere.” Suzanne was surprised by how firm her tone was. “Whit is nowhere.”

A hush settled over the room, stretching across a long moment.

Mia spoke, her voice low. “After Zane disappeared from our lives, we thought we’d maxed out on the bad luck, if that’s what it was.”

Suzanne said, “You tried everything. You know you both did.”

“Sure. Twice. And Alex was proof. Great kid, everyone said so. Solid. Except it’s never that simple. Alex was the counterweight. He had to make up for Zane, and because Zane took all our attention and then Meryl started acting up, we never saw it. Poor kid.” Mia picked up her glass, setting off a tremor across the water’s surface. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “The pills Alex took? I told everyone we didn’t know where he’d gotten them. He didn’t say anything about it. No one pressed him. Why would they? Everyone was too glad he was alive. Besides, you can get pills anywhere, right? Xanax. Codeine. Ativan.”