Trophy Son(41)

But I’d never had a loss thrown in my face like this before. Humiliation during and after the fact, and it burned. Jim had set fire to a desperation I hadn’t felt in a few years. I was always a competitor, always a champion, but that part of me had been crowded out. I had been distracted by all the things I had never had a chance to experience while under my father.

Now the part of me that needed to win was screaming out. Listen to me. Don’t embarrass us again. Don’t let a weaker player defeat and humiliate us, lord it over us like an enslaved enemy.

I still sat but my muscles were flexed and tight through my chest, arms and legs. I wanted to meet Gabe and Bobby, increase my practice and strength training, increase my testosterone and HGH intake. Obliterate Jim Crane on the court then go obliterate him off the court too.





CHAPTER

29

Jim Crane had beaten me in the early rounds so I had almost a week before my next trip. I used the extra time to go to my New York apartment that I had just rented, and scheduled a session with Dr. Minkoff.

I’d gotten very comfortable with Dr. Minkoff and I respected him. He was willing to share his thoughts with me. He wasn’t so cautious a therapist that he only listened and gave prompts to keep me talking. The more he knew me, the more he revealed what his instincts were telling him about me.

I told him about the loss to Jim Crane and he said, “What you’re learning is that you can’t have it both ways.”

I was in a deep leather chair and the leather was worn and soft so it felt like velvet.

Dr. Minkoff said, “You’re talented, Anton. You’re up against guys like Crane who are training around the clock and are so obsessed with winning that they’re playing match mind games two months in advance. What you’re thinking about is how you can have less training and more dates with girls. You’re not that talented. Not so talented that you can keep this up and still beat guys like Crane.”

“I guess not.”

“So I suspect you’re partly angry with Crane and partly angry with yourself. You can’t be halfway into professional tennis and expect to win many matches. And the worst part of being halfway in is that you’re dragged around by the half that is in. Physically dragged around the world for eleven months on the tour. It’s not like you get half your life back. It’s only the emotional half that’s not in. Your actual life is still travelling with the tour, only you’re going to lose to guys like Crane.”

I could tell Minkoff loved me in a paternal way. He was angry for me, scared for me, wanted better for me. Of course everything he said made sense. I said, “I always thought my tennis career was meant to be, that I had this gift so my fate was to use the gift. Maybe that’s been a mistake. Maybe it’s all been a foolish errand.”

He nodded. “You can stop playing. You can stop today.” A reminder he’d offered before.

“Maybe Ana’s a foolish errand too.” Love or obsession, I still felt as strongly about Ana. All the other girls had been a way to get through to the time when Ana and I could be together. The girls were a sleeping pill to get to the next day.

“We’ve talked about fate. You’re in control of all of this. Tomorrow morning you could be a retired player sitting in a plane on the way to see Ana.”

“Sure.”

“How would you feel tomorrow morning if that’s what you were doing?”

I pictured it. Just an overnight bag, no rackets or tennis gear. Reading a book on the way to hold Ana. “Pretty happy.” I also pictured a punter in a football jersey. “Also depends on how much she wants to see me. Anyway, I have unfinished business.”

“Unfinished tennis business?”

“I couldn’t go out like that.”

“You were beaten and taunted by a lesser player.”

“I’m pissed about that, of course that’s part of it. But I’ve also never done anything close to what I’m capable of doing. I’ve never won a major. Whether I have loved or hated tennis, I’ve worked for that, sacrificed for that, taken steroids for that.” I shook my head. “Maybe I need to increase my steroid program.”

“Are you serious?”

“Why not? You’re the one advising against being halfway in.”

“Are you on a minimal program now?”

“I’m on only an oral program now. Testosterone and human growth pills. No needles, but I’ve talked to Bobby about it. We talked about it again after the Crane match.”

“Are many players on the tour taking performance-enhancing drugs?”

“Doc, everyone. Everyone who’s any good.”

“Just players at the top?”

“It used to be just the top. Now it’s the middle too, and anyone at the bottom who can afford it. They’d all like to get to the top one day too.”

“I’m surprised. I knew baseball, some other sports. I didn’t realize it was so prevalent in tennis.”

“It’s in every sport, doc,” I said. “Golf too. Every sport has gone through a period of denial, the way tennis and golf are now. Decades ago you would hear people say all the time, how can steroids help a man hit a baseball—you either hit it or you don’t. Everyone’s come to understand that steroids can help a man hit a baseball very much. Tennis is still at the beginning of the denial phase. Guys on the tour are the future Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa of tennis. I’m one of those guys.”