Through the Fire (Daughter of Fire, #1)(74)

Peering out through the door, I caught an opportunity better than any I had hoped for. A group of student nurses, all gossiping excitedly about the strange happenings in the hospital, rushed by the door. As soon as the last one passed, I slid out of the room and fell into step behind them. I forced my aching body to cooperate and copied the movements of the young girls to seem as inconspicuous as possible.

A police officer was stationed at the stairwell, stopping everyone from passing by him. I tried not to panic or allow myself to meet his eye. The girls in front of me whispered about his physique and how attractive they thought he was in his uniform. I tried to pretend I was one of them and that my heart wasn’t about to leap from my chest.

“What’s happening?” asked the leader of the pack that I was in. Based on her slightly older appearance I figured she was the training facilitator.

“We’ve got an escaped prisoner on the loose, possibly even on this floor.”

“That’s dreadful. Is there anything we can do to help?”

The officer smiled reassuringly. “Just keep an eye out for suspicious behavior and report anything strange.”

“Will do, won’t we girls?” she asked the group who were enthusiastic in their agreement.

I breathed a sigh of relief as he waved us past, and I took my first steps toward freedom. While the other girls huddled in a small group, I raced on ahead, taking the stairs two at a time in my desperate desire to flee. Images of Clay and our life together flashed through my mind alongside pictures of his sister.

His dead sister.

I’d done that—I’d caused her death. Guilt burned through me; stabbing at my chest. I’d lost Clay’s love and the agony of it was almost enough to finish me. I couldn’t expect to be forgiven for it, couldn’t even imagine how I could ever redeem myself.

“If she doesn’t pull through, I’ll never forgive you.”

I sobbed as the memory struck me almost as hard as a physical blow and sent me staggering to the bottom of the flight of stairs. I’d forgiven him for my father’s death, but that was different. He might have taken on some of the blame of my father’s death, but he hadn’t pulled the trigger. There was no way to deny that I’d killed Louise. The fire was my doing. It might have been in self-defense, but it had happened because of what I was.

A freak.

Tears streamed down my face by the time I reached the bottom of the stairwell. When the cool air hit my wrist, a new fire burst to life with thousands of tiny flames burning deep into my scorched flesh. To silence the sobs and screams that lingered on my tongue, I bit into my bottom lip so hard I could taste blood.

Voices shouted behind me, demanding that I stop and show them my hospital ID, but I just pushed myself harder in response. Bile rose in my throat both because of my loss and because of the physical exertion I was forcing my body to take so soon after the latest round of damage I’d inflicted onto it.

I was damaged. I was fire. Everything I cared about in the world burned to flames on contact with me. I hated myself and loathed the sunbird. It was her fault that I had hurt everyone I loved.

I could still see the hospital behind me when my legs finally gave out. I fell to the ground with a heaving sob. Fisting my hands tightly, I pressed them into my eyes trying to assuage my tears and force myself to keep moving. I was broken. I was poison. But I would survive. After forcing myself to my feet one leg at a time, I made myself take one step and then another.

By the time I’d traveled far enough from the hospital to risk stopping, my body was at the brink of complete collapse.

My lungs protested every breath, and my stomach heaved relentlessly. The wound on my wrist was open and raw, an almost perfect circle of burned flesh. My shoulders still ached from the older wounds that were only slowly healing. Eventually, unable to go a step farther, I fell to the ground by the side of the road. As I huddled against the cold, I grew determined to learn how to survive better on my own. I’d gone from my relying on my father, to bouncing from shelter to shelter with Brian, to living with Aiden’s court, and then into Clay’s tender care. Now, as a result of my actions, all of those safe havens were lost to me, and I’d never been more alone. There was no one left that I could rely on—no one but myself.

There was nothing I wanted more than to find a way to make my father proud. Of all of the people I’d lost, he was the one who’d wanted most desperately to keep me safe. My life was his legacy and by giving up, I was ignoring the sacrifices he’d made for me. I couldn’t do that to him again. I’d come close enough in New York, and he deserved more than that. I would live; I would prosper. There were skills I could acquire to help me on my path, and I would learn every single one of them in his name. As the sun peeked over the distant city, I made a silent promise to Dad that I would do whatever it took to survive.

The last few times I was on my own, I had failed miserably to keep myself safe. I wouldn’t fail any longer. I had to be stronger. Almost in response to the thought, I lifted myself off of the ground and held my chin high.

It was like Clay had once said to me: “The rest of my life is stretching in front of me, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with it.” I smiled wistfully at the memory and at our youthful ignorance. We’d thought we could change the world with nothing more than our desire and willpower. Part of me wished that my future could have still included him, but it never could—not now that I’d killed his sister.