Through the Fire (Daughter of Fire, #1)(28)

“What are you saying?” Despite my desire to sound casual, my voice caught in my throat, and my fingers shook.

“I didn’t want to do this just yet,” he murmured and then looked at me before groaning and turning away. “But I can’t go on like this. Being here with you, like this, your kisses . . . Your body . . . It all just makes me want to take you in my arms and never let go.”

“Then do that,” I said. “It works for me.”

“I can’t stay. Not after yesterday. Everything that happened, it was my fault.” He choked on the words as they rushed from him. “I can’t let that happen to you. I won’t.”

“Is this about what I said?” I asked. My memories of the last twenty-four hours were fuzzy at best, but I recalled my desire to make him hurt.

“No. Yes. But it’s not for the reason you’re probably thinking.”

“Then why?” My voice was so quiet in my own ears, I was certain he wouldn’t be able to hear me over the drumming of my heart.

“Being here with you, it isn’t my place in the world.”

“I don’t care about the world,” I growled. “I didn’t think you did either?”

“I do, Evie. At least, I do now.”

“Why? I thought I was important to you? More important than any of that stuff,” I challenged. Everything was going wrong and it seemed as though he had one hand on the door. Despite having already cried myself dry, my eyes stung with the threat of a fresh bout. He couldn’t come into my life, turn it all around in a week, and then leave again as if nothing had happened.

“You are. So important,” he said, his own tears stealing away his voice. “If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be leaving. I can’t see you hurt because of me.”

A sob escaped me as he said the last word. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

He covered the distance between us in less than one of my racing heartbeats and pulled me into him again. “I know it doesn’t, but I can’t explain it better. Yesterday . . . God, Evie, I thought you were dead. And your father . . . It’s my fault. All of it. If I hadn’t tried to find you . . .”

I closed my eyes and held him tighter. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t go.”

“I have to. My family, they expect me to go with them. If I don’t they’ll come back for me. They’ll try again and again to find me. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but if I stay it’s as if I was putting a gun to your head and pulling the trigger.”

“You won’t hurt me,” I said. It was something I’d almost meant when I’d said it a week ago, but now I had no doubt it was true.

“I won’t, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be safe with me either. I was a fool for thinking that I could ever escape my past. Too many people know me. Anyone from the Rain could recognize me and report that they’d seen me. I can’t save you from that.” He gasped for air and raked both hands roughly through his hair. “Don’t you understand? I’m not strong enough to protect you.”

“I don’t need protection.”

“I know you don’t. You’re so strong, Evie, strong enough to do this on your own. I know you are. That’s the reason I have to leave. My being here with you, it’s only put you in more danger. I’m sorry.” His voice cracked, and he fell to his knees is front of me. His eyes were glazed and red as he glanced up at me. “I can’t be the reason you die too,” he said in a broken whisper.

“So that’s it?” I said, turning away from his sorrow. “I’ve just lost my father. I’ve lost everything! And you choose this moment to leave? You turned my life upside down and you’re just going to leave me here alone?”

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I promise I’ll make this right someday. I just . . .” He swallowed audibly, “I don’t know how.”

“What am I supposed to do now?” I asked. Despite my earlier assertion that I didn’t need protection, I didn’t really know how to survive without my father either. He’d tried so hard to infuse all of his knowledge in me, teaching me the same lessons time and time again, but there were still a number of massive gaps in my own knowledge. I’d always promised myself I’d learn more and planned to listen better “one day.” I choked on the fact that there wouldn’t be a one day anymore.

Clay pressed his hand against my cheek, but I pulled away from his touch. He curled his fingers into his palms before standing and forcing his fists into his pockets. “I don’t know, but I know you’ll figure it out.”

I wanted to scream and rant at him. To tell him he couldn’t do this to me. It was all too overwhelming though. My heart splintered a little more with each step he took toward the door.

The air between us was heavy and strained, enforcing the growing distance that loomed ever closer. The weight of it seemed to spur him into action, and he walked away from me. He stopped briefly to glance back at me before grabbing his bag and slinging it onto his shoulder.

I couldn’t let him have the last word. “You said that you might as well have put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger,” I murmured. “Well, you know what?”

I waited until his feet had stilled, and I could be sure he was listening.