Throttled (Wild Riders #1)(30)

“Can’t reap the benefits of being a big deal with a girl back home. Definitely couldn’t if I was knocked up. Makes it hard to party all the time and sleep with whoever you want, huh?”

“It was never about that,” I said, frustrated that she would even think such a thing.

“I saw the tattoos. The list is actually shorter than I imagined,” she said. “You only put the tens on your skin, or what?” When I didn’t answer out of uncertainty as to what exactly she was referring, she continued. “The names, Reid. I’m not stupid.”

“Oh. That?” I could have argued that she was jumping to conclusions at the very moment, which she was. There was a perfectly good explanation for the list of names on my body, but it was time to be honest about what we were feeling and not argue over something so far from the point at hand.

“I don’t need to hear any excuses from you. I really didn’t come out here for an explanation of anything. I came out here to let you know why I can’t just pretend that you didn’t hurt me. I had to be medicated just to make it through the day.” She stood and pushed her arms through the arms of the sweatshirt. I followed suit and was standing in front of her before she could take a step. I took hold of her hands, surprised when she let me. “I felt weak and alone,” she stuttered. “I won’t be that girl. I won’t put myself in the position to get hurt again.”

“I was scared, all right?” I blurted out. “I was scared that I was going to fail and that you were going to be there to see it all. Is that what you want to hear?” I felt the frustrations of this entire situation burning through me as my words exited more harshly that I’d meant for them to. “I... I’m sorry. I just...” I calmed my nerves the best I could. “The responsibility of my parents giving up everything for me. The pressure from the sponsors. It was all too much and I panicked. I broke up with you because I was a prideful idiot who didn’t want the one person I loved most in the world to watch me fall on my ass.” I took her hands in mine as my words sunk in with her. “I didn’t leave you because I didn’t love you, Nora. I left because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?” she finally said. “I would have supported you know matter what, you know that?”

“From here? Would it have been fair of me to ask you to put your life on hold while I was a thousand miles away?”

“It would have been nice to have been given the option.”

“You’re right,” I answered. Her hands were still in mine and I felt like we were making progress down whatever road this was. “I should have talked to you, but we are talking now, doesn’t that count for something?” This conversation—this mix of argument and heart-to-heart was exactly what we needed. It was painful, but at the same time seemed to be resuscitating what had been lost between us.

“It does, but I don’t know if I can...” She tried to calm herself with a deep breath. “Things are so complicated. It’s not like I can just change everything in my life because we might still have feelings for each other. Our past isn’t going anywhere, Reid, and it still hurts. Seeing you hurts.”

“Not might,” I replied. “I absolutely, one-hundred percent, still have feelings for you. And, they are just as strong as the day I left.” I pulled her hands up to my chest and took a step toward her. “I never stopped loving you, Nora. I can promise you that.”

“I... I...” she mumbled through her words. I wanted to be with her. To kiss away her pain. To let her know that what I was saying was true. “I need some time to think about this.”

“I can do time,” I answered. “I can give you all the time you need, but I need you to know that there is no way that I’m making the same mistake twice. I’m not leaving you again.” Her eyes went wide when I leaned in, her lips parting slightly like she was anticipating my lips on hers. When I pressed them to her forehead instead, I heard her sigh a breath of relief. I let my lips linger as long as I thought I could without pushing her.

“Thank you for hearing me out,” she said. I released her hands as she started to walk away.

“Hey,” I said as she walked down the steps. She turned to look at me, the moonlight bouncing off her hair and the tears on her face. “You know I’m going to fight for you?”

“Yeah, I know.” The slightest of smiles tugged at her lips even though tears still glistened in her eyes. But there was a certain measure of relief in those beautiful eyes too. Perhaps, it was a good thing that she’d shown up tonight after all.



*



She needed time, I’d give her time. I let her go that night, despite wanting to ask her to stay. Even if staying meant just holding her in my arms all night and apologizing repeatedly for what she went through when I left.

The guilt of knowing what had happened to her, to our baby, was enough to drive me straight up the stairs and to my room that night. How could I have been so selfish? I couldn’t look my brother or Brett in the eyes without them knowing something was on my mind, so I just avoided them.

I had never really put much thought into being a father, but knowing that I could have been was numbing. I could have a six year old right now. Everything that I’d accomplished in life seemed meaningless in the grand scheme. I could have been a dad. I thought long and hard about what it would have been like to have had a family with Nora. It might not have been something that I’d thought about before, but I definitely wanted it now. It had suddenly become the top priority on my list. I had to make things right between us.