This Will Only Hurt a Little(73)

“I’m putting a new diaper on you, so I have to move your legs a little. Excuse me! Here. This is a wipe. It might feel cold on your tush and vagina, I’m sorry. But it’ll be over really quickly and I need to make sure you’re clean. We always wipe from front to back. That’s a good lesson to know as a woman. Always go front to back.”

or

“I’m sorry I couldn’t get you into the baby carrier. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never had a baby before. You’re my first. I really want to make sure you’re happy and like me. I think you do. Do you even know that I’m your mom? Don’t answer that. I’m going to put on some music while we drive. Want to listen to weird yoga music or Arcade Fire? Or should we just call my mom on speakerphone?”

or

“I didn’t get that job. They thought I was too fat. It’s okay, though, because I have you and you were worth it. But that’s the thing about what I do—it can be really confusing sometimes. It’s a great job when it’s great, but when it’s not, it’s literally the worst. I’ll try to explain it more when you know what TV and movies are. So that’s why I’m crying. It has nothing to do with you, just so you know. You are perfect, my little Bird.”

? ? ?

A few weeks into shooting, Courteney and I were having lunch at our new favorite place in Culver City, walking distance from the stages where we shot. From day one, Courteney would get a group together to go to lunch and eat something good and have a glass of wine. Her feeling was that work should be fun, and she wasn’t wrong. It was super fun. She was asking me about Birdie and Marc—we were all still pretty much getting to know each other. Then she asked me if I had been to therapy recently, since Birdie was born, or if anyone had talked to me about medication. I think it was clear to her that I was in a postpartum fog of anxiety and she could just tell that I needed more help than I was currently getting.

A few weeks later, I was actually at a Grizzly Bear concert when I met a woman who was the mother of one of the lead singer, Ed’s, friends. Ed and I had met through MySpace, when he had sent me a message that he was a fan of Freaks and Geeks, and then we became friends in real life, traveling together and having dinner parties whenever he was in town with the band. Now he’s one of my best friends and is even Cricket’s godfather, and she gets very excited when Grizzly Bear is played on SiriusXM.

Anyway, the woman at the concert and I got to talking, and it turned out she was a therapist. She gave me her number and I promised to call. But I didn’t, and then a week later, I ran into her again at the valet line at the Grove. I decided that it was a sign and I set up an appointment with her.

One of the problems with struggling with mental illness, I think, is that actually getting help sometimes seems so difficult. Like, UGH. I have to FIND someone and then go TALK to them and EXPLAIN all the things I’m thinking and feeling? No, that’s okay, I’ll just stay here in my brain that won’t stop turning, and cry in the bathroom when I think people are being mean to me even though they probably aren’t and I’m just super sensitive and maybe taking things the wrong way because this fog in my brain won’t let me see things clearly. Does anyone see things clearly? Did I ever see things clearly? What did I do before I had a baby? What was I like? Was I fun? What did I do before I was married? What did I do before I had a house? What did I do before I was on TV? Was I happy in high school? Was I happy as a child? Was I ever really happy? Was I ever happy? Have I ever been happy? Has anyone? Is anyone happy?

I stayed on Lexapro for over a year and a half. It helped calm me down and get out of my own way a little. I stopped crying so much. Or panicking about Birdie. She seemed like she was okay. I started really enjoying all my work on Cougar Town. I liked everyone in the cast, with the exception of Brian Van Holt, who personally annoyed me because I felt like he was such a weird aggressive bro who thought he was way smarter than he really was. Sorry, that’s mean. But it’s true. I could hang with him and not let his bro-ness get me down, though. Especially since Courteney thought he was amazing, and she was obviously the clear leader of our pack. Christa and I slowly became friends and she started whispering things to me on set, too. The show shifted in tone and concept from the initial pilot and we started making a show we all really loved, and the critics started to notice. We were pretty much flying under the radar, certainly not the immediate huge hit of Modern Family, but we were doing okay and making pretty funny shows. We were given a second season. The thing I heard most from people in Hollywood was this, “Oh yeah! Cougar Town! I’ve never seen it. But you’re supposed to be really good on it!”

Which was true. I was really good on it. I loved playing daffy Laurie Keller with her weird wardrobe and over-the-top hair and makeup and crazy one-liners and huge speeches that I would give as fast as I could, as sort of a challenge to myself. The television critics ended up loving Cougar Town, a show they had all been lukewarm about based on the pilot. There was talk about changing the title to be more reflective of what the show was, but it seemed almost impossible to get everyone on board with it, so they just left it and let Kevin Biegel do weird title cards that said something funny in the opening.

Toward the end of the second season, the very first Television Critics’ Choice Award nominations were announced and Courteney and I were both nominated. I was beside myself. I was a little deflated when Bill gave a speech about how awards are bullshit and don’t mean anything, but I was still excited and thought maybe he was just annoyed that he and the show hadn’t been nominated. I asked my publicist at the time if we should be doing anything, like getting me press for it in the hopes that maybe I could be nominated for an Emmy and his response was a bit disheartening as well. “Darling, no. I don’t really see you having a chance with this.”