This Will Only Hurt a Little(23)

Ben had started hanging out with an older girl named Melanie from his econ class, a horrible-looking girl with terrible pocked skin and hair that was thinning from how many times she’d bleached it. She had a car, though, and so she could drive us off campus for lunch. That day, Ben and Melanie insisted we go to Arby’s, and I remember picking at my fries and trying not to vomit as Melanie ate her roast beef sandwich with extra Horsey sauce, all of it getting stuck in her clear braces as she chewed with her mouth open and laughed at Ben’s dumb jokes.

“I don’t want to go to lunch with Melanie anymore,” I said to Ben that night on the phone. “She’s weird and I don’t know. . . . I don’t have anything to say to her. Can we just hang with Kendra on campus tomorrow??”

“Yeah. Sure, whatever, babe. But she’s cool, you know.”

The next day at lunch, I waited for Ben in the quad with Kendra and Kate and our other girlfriends, but he never showed. I didn’t even eat; I was just waiting for him, like an idiot. When the bell rang, I couldn’t help the tears and just let them flow freely as I made my way to the theater building. I ran into Tim Lochran, one of the nice older kids who I used to sit under the tree with.

“Hey! Hey. Are you okay? What’s wrong??” I still remember sweet Tim, looking at me through his round, tortoiseshell glasses, like Harry Potter.

I started to sob for real. “I can’t. . . . I just . . . I didn’t eat and I really—”

“Oh jeez! Do you want me to get you food?”

“I don’t know. . . .” I said in between sobs. “I just really want an egg roll . . . I guess?”

“Well, I can do that. Come on, I’ll drive you to Chop and Wok.”

It was such a small thing, really. But it didn’t feel small. I ate my egg roll on the way back to school and thanked Tim as we walked back from the parking lot, careful not to let any administrators or security guards see us. When I thanked him, he gave me a big smile.

“No problem,” he said. “Feel better! It’s all gonna be okay, especially now that you’ve eaten!!”

? ? ?

Ben called me after school with some story that it was a misunderstanding and he had looked for us but had eventually gone with Melanie to Burger King. I told him it was okay, I understood and wasn’t mad at all.

On Friday at school, Ben found me before the first bell. “Ummmm. We have a problem. My mom and dad found out and they won’t give me the money and they’re insisting that you come over after school and talk to them.”

I stared at him. “What? What the fuck, Ben? No!”

“Look. If you don’t, my mom is going to call your mom and tell her. This was the deal I made with them—it was hard enough to get them to agree to this, Busy. You have to.”

I couldn’t fucking believe it. I tried to understand how they found out, but it didn’t even really matter. I was so scared the rest of the day. Kendra and Kate prepared me for what to say to Mrs. Miller. Ben’s friend Alex assured me it would be fine, that the Millers were reasonable people. I called my mom from my drama teacher, Mrs. Carrick’s, office and told her that I was going to Ben’s house after school and that she could pick me up there when she was done with work.

We walked along the wash and smoked cigarettes as we made our way toward Ben’s huge fucking house. When we got there, Ben’s mom called from her bedroom, “I’m in here, Ben. You and Busy come in here now. And close the door behind you, please.”

Ben gave me a look and we headed back. She motioned for us to sit on the bed and she settled into a chair across from us, looking right at me.

“Well,” she said, “you’ve gotten yourself into quite a situation, haven’t you?”

I was actually dumbfounded. I had done this by myself?

Ben shifted uncomfortably. “Mom—”

“Enough, Benjamin. You have nothing to do with this. I’m sorry, Busy. But you cannot kill this child. I won’t let you murder a baby. When I think about Billy and what would have happened if his mother had been like you . . .”

And here she got choked up and started to cry. Of course. They had adopted their older son, Billy. Right. Well, fuck. FUCK.

“Ummm. I know. I just . . . I’m not going to have this baby. I can’t—”

“YOU CAN. You’re being selfish is what you’re doing. You’re going to MURDER A BABY because you didn’t prevent this. We are a good Catholic family and there is no way that I can let this happen in good conscience. Ben’s father agrees with me.”

Then I started to cry. “Please. Mrs. Miller. I don’t have the money and—”

“And you’re not going to get it from us. Or Ben. You need to tell your parents. I was going to call your mother today, but I wanted to talk to you first. You clearly have no idea what you’re doing. The ramifications of this act. You will go to hell. I will not stand by while you kill a baby! I’m sure your mother will agree.”

“She can’t—I—please. Let me tell them!” All I could think was my mom hearing I was pregnant from this horrible woman. I had to tell her. I just had no idea how I was going to do that.

“Fine. When? I need to speak with her and make sure we’re on the same page.”

“I don’t know—I’ll tell them this weekend. My dad is home this weekend.”