This Will Only Hurt a Little(16)

“Ewww. No,” she said immediately. “You can’t. Lacey would never talk to you again!”

The truth was, I wasn’t sure if I cared. Lacey had totally abandoned us once she started at her new school. At least that’s what I told myself when I dialed Trey’s number a few days later. We talked for a bit and then he asked what I was doing the next night.

“There’s a football game at my school,” I said, “so I think I’m gonna go with Kendra and her new boyfriend. You wanna come meet us?”

“Yeah. I’ll find you there.”

I borrowed a dress from Emily, a red, thick cotton baby-doll dress that was super short. I wore my black-and-white striped over-the-knee socks that hid the hideous scar across my knee. I couldn’t care less about sports and the game was of little interest to me. But finally, I spotted Trey in the crowd, wearing a white T-shirt and baggy jeans, looking out of place at a football game. I wandered over to him, trying to be cool. I mean . . . was this a date? I honestly didn’t know.

“Hey,” he said when he saw me. “You wanna go?”

“Oh. I mean, Kendra is over there. We were gonna go back to her apartment in a bit . . .”

“Yeah, I don’t really want to do that,” he said with a shrug. “So . . . do you wanna go or what?”

I shifted my weight to my good leg and sucked on the inside of my cheek. I wasn’t really sure what was going to happen or where we were going to go. And Kendra was already being weird about me hanging out with Trey.

“Let me go talk to her.”

He nodded, and I ran over to where Kendra was hanging with her arms around Dan, a new skater boy who had recently moved into her apartment complex.

“I’m gonna go with Trey. He doesn’t want to watch the game—”

“Eww. Busy, no. Do not go anywhere with him! What’s wrong with you!? He’s so gross!!”

She laughed and Dan did too. My face flushed.

“Okay then,” I said. “You don’t have to hang out with him!”

Kendra rolled her eyes. “WELL, DON’T THINK YOU’RE JUST GONNA COME BACK AND HANG OUT WITH US AFTER!”

I glared at her, then turned and walked back to Trey, thinking, You know what? Fuck you, Kendra! With your perfect stomach and all the boys that love you and hang on your every word.

I looked at Trey. “Let’s go.”

And just like that, we got in his SUV and drove away from the school.

“So where are we going?” I asked, and he looked at me. Really looked at me, and I felt it.

“Is there like a park or a playground we could hang in around here?”

I tried to think of someplace not far from my school. “Yeah. Turn right up here.”

He pulled into a playground, and we got out of the car. For a while, we just sort of awkwardly swung on the swings. Then he scrabbled up on one of those climbing structures and I followed. We didn’t really talk. We were sort of just sitting there, not saying anything, not doing anything. Oh, good. Here was another boy who didn’t want me. Cool. Cool.

“Oh. I guess I have to do everything?” I said, trying to be seductive. I reached over and clumsily started to unbuckle his belt. I have no idea why I didn’t kiss him but instead just went for his belt. It was so weird. But then again, I was fourteen and painfully inexperienced. I had no idea what qualified as normal behavior. I took his dick in my hands. It was already hard. He lurched forward and put his mouth on mine. I tried my best to give him a hand job, something I had heard about from my friend Bailey. I thought I was doing all right. We made out for a bit and then he pulled away and said that he was really uncomfortable, that we should move to the car. I followed him and he opened the back door to his SUV and put the seats down. I climbed in, not sure of what to do or how to end it. I wanted to go back to Kendra’s now, but I couldn’t figure out how to say that without confirming all of my worst fears about myself. I was unlovable. I was not attractive. I was a fucking baby.

As soon as he got in and closed the door, he was straight up on top of me. He pulled my dress up over my head, exposing my purple bra that I loved so much. He weighed so much and was pushing me down so hard, into the carpet of his car. He pulled my underwear down and shoved two fingers inside of me, hard. I was still trying to figure out what I was doing. I had my hand back on his dick in his pants, and at a certain point he kind of pushed me out of the way and took his penis in his own hand, pulled it out of his pants, and started to push it inside me. I didn’t know what to do. I put my hands under his shirt, digging my nails into his back. I hated it. I didn’t want this. What the fuck was this? It was so, so painful.

“I don’t think this is gonna work.”

That was the most I got out in protest. That was all I said. That was it. Not no. Not stop. Not take me home. Not GET YOUR FUCKING DICK OUT OF ME GET OFF OF ME YOU’RE TEARING MY VAGINA OPEN YOU’RE PRESSING ME SO HARD INTO THE CARPET OF YOUR CAR YOU ARE RIPPING THE SKIN OFF MY BACK AND I CAN’T BREATHE AND THIS IS AWFUL AND FUCKING STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

He didn’t say anything about it not working. He just kept doing it. I found a spot on the ceiling of his car and I sort of spun up to it and just focused on that until he shuddered and rolled off me. Then I pulled my underwear up and my dress down, already aware of the throbbing pain of my vagina and also my back, which felt wet and sticky against my dress.