This Close to Okay(23)

Would the officer come to the car and give her instructions? Check to see if she was drunk? If she could drive properly? Tow her car if she didn’t pass? She hadn’t had a speeding ticket in fifteen years. She had no clue how any of this worked.

After what felt like forever, Tallie looked in the mirror and saw the officer and Emmett shake hands before he got out of the patrol car. The officer turned off his lights and drove away, waving at them; he smiled at her as he passed. She heard Emmett get his knife from the top of the car, and he sat behind her steering wheel, stretched back so he could reclip the knife in his pocket. She was still crying.

“Hey. It’s all right. I told you it was all right,” he said, putting his hand on her arm. It began raining harder. So hard it seemed as if the rain were coming up from the ground to meet the water from the sky somewhere in the middle.

“What did you say to him? What happened? He was being such a dick, then he waves at us?”

“I told him the truth. It’s fine. Hey. It’s all right,” he said again.

Tallie directed Emmett to her place. He turned the radio back on—Motown, Four Tops—as if they didn’t have a million things to discuss. He was frustratingly calm, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Tallie wiped her eyes, tapped the radio off.

“Emmett, what the hell happened? Tell me! I was sitting here freaking out, afraid to move!” she said, raising her voice.

He put his hand on her leg and continued driving carefully. She couldn’t imagine how anxious she would’ve been if she didn’t have leftover bourbon sluicing through her bloodstream like medicine.

“I’m sorry you got so upset,” he said. Before returning his hand to the wheel, he squeezed her thigh so tenderly she wondered if she’d imagined it.

“Turn left,” she directed him. “And turn right up there.”

“I didn’t want you to get upset. The officer was nice. He asked if I’d been drinking…if we’d been drinking. I didn’t tell him the truth about that because it would’ve gotten me into trouble. I lied to him about it, but that was all. I’m not buzzed anymore. Sometimes alcohol blows straight through my system. I’m a quarter Scottish.” Emmett shrugged. “He asked me how I knew you. I told him you were a friend. He’d heard about your brother’s Halloween party, by the way.”

Tallie pointed, and Emmett pulled into her driveway, turned the engine off.

“And he let you go with what, a warning?” she asked, sniffing.

“Yes, he did. Bring it on home to me, Tallulah,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. He was so warm, so comforting, doing the perfect thing at the perfect time. They’d touched but not hugged. And she’d been correct when she imagined his smell: the forest, the river. This forever rain with a hint of coolness, an antiseptic flashing pale blue and starry white as she closed her eyes tight.

Client seems patient and relaxed, even in stressful situations. Not easily rattled or overstimulated. Comforts others.

“But I should be the one comforting you,” she mumbled into his sleeve.

“Because of yesterday?”

“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” she said.

“I would’ve given anything for a wife like you because of your openness…your sweet heart,” he said with his voice melting against her ear.





EMMETT




From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Re: i still care about you too

Tallie, I’m glad you wrote me. You know how I feel about hoping we can still somehow be friends although like I’ve said before…I realize that’s a lot to ask. I promise not to talk too much about the baby because I know it hurts you. I am so sorry.

Of course none of this is your fault. You absolutely couldn’t have done anything differently to stop it. Do you hear me when I say this? Do you really hear me? I made these choices and they were completely separate from you. And that was my biggest problem…not considering you the way I should’ve. It was cruel. I don’t think you’re broken. I didn’t get Odette pregnant on purpose. It was an accident.

You do know me. You may feel like there are parts of me you don’t know, yes, but you do know the heart of me. I separated myself…in order to deceive you. I even thought about those damn horcruxes in Harry Potter. It was like that. I split myself. I should’ve said no to Odette from jump. But I didn’t. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to say no. I’m weak. But you do know me, Tallie. You do. Think about all we’ve been through together. It doesn’t just go away. And even if it did, where would it go? One of us would still keep it.

I think you are an amazing woman who deserves far better than me, but I must admit there was an incredibly selfish part of me always hoping I could somehow remain in your life. And your email really lit up that part of my heart. So thank you. I am trying to fix my mistakes…the mistakes I’ve made in this Universe…I’d like to correct them by doing (at least some things) right.

Talk soon,

Joel

PS: I’m coming back to town for Christmas and of course I fucking miss you, Tallie. Of course I do. You were my wife for a long time. I’ll love you forever.

PPS: I hope you have a good time at Li’s party tomorrow.