The Word Is Murder(80)
‘He was in England for three weeks, filming a mini-series, and we spent almost all that time together. I thought his flat in Brick Lane was amazing. I was sharing a tiny house in Clapham with two other actors and this was like another world. His phone never stopped ringing. It was his agent, his manager, his publicist, a newspaper, a radio station. I realised that this was the dream that I’d had in my head when I went to RADA except that for him it was real.’
‘It’ll be real for you too, Grace, now that he’s gone.’
‘That’s not fair, Dad. Damian never stood in my way.’
‘He got you pregnant just when your career was about to take off.’
‘It was my choice.’ She turned to us. ‘When I told him the news, Damian said he wanted to have a baby with me. He was thrilled. He asked me to move in with him. He said he had more than enough money for both of us and the baby. He told me to get on the next flight to LA.’
‘Did the two of you get married?’ Hawthorne asked. Unusually for him, he had been silent throughout Grace’s testimony although he had been listening intently.
‘No. We never did. Damian didn’t think there was any point.’
‘Damian was thinking of Damian,’ her father insisted. ‘He didn’t want to be tied down. And his mother was just as bad. All she cared about was her precious son. She never gave you the time of day.’
‘We both made the decision, Dad. You know that. And Diana wasn’t that bad. She was just lonely and a bit sad and thought the world of him.’ She went over to Ashleigh and brushed the hair out of her eyes. Then she continued: ‘I did what he told me. He sent me the ticket …’
‘Premium economy. He wouldn’t even pay business class.’
‘ … and I moved in with him. His agents managed to get us a visa. I don’t know how they did that but as things turned out Ashleigh was born in America and she even has American citizenship. Damian was already shooting Star Trek when I arrived, so I didn’t see a lot of him, but I didn’t mind. I helped him find the house that he bought. It only had two bedrooms but it was a lovely little place high up in the hills with wonderful views and a tiny pool. I loved it. He let me decorate it the way I wanted. I had a baby room decorated for Ashleigh and I went shopping in West Hollywood and Rodeo Drive. Damian came home late sometimes but we had weekends together and he introduced me to all his friends and I thought everything was going to be all right.’
She looked down and just for a moment I saw the sadness in her eyes.
‘Only it wasn’t. It was my fault, really. I didn’t much like Los Angeles even though I tried to. The trouble is, it’s not really a city at all. You have to get in the car to go anywhere but actually there isn’t anywhere to go. I mean, it’s shops and it’s restaurants and it’s the beach but somehow it all just feels a bit pointless. It was always too hot, particularly when I was pregnant. I found myself spending more and more time on my own in the house. I said that Damian introduced me to his friends, but he didn’t actually have that many of them and they were always gossiping about the work they were doing so inevitably I felt left out. They were mainly Brits, mainly actors. It’s funny out there. People seem to have their own little circles and they’re not unfriendly but they don’t want to let you in. And I was homesick! I missed Mum and Dad. I missed London. I missed my career.
‘Damian and me didn’t have fights but we weren’t completely happy together. It seemed to me that he was quite different from the Damian I’d known at RADA. Maybe it was because he was getting so famous. He’d come home and he’d be glad to see me and sometimes we’d be close but I often thought it was all just an act. He was always telling me about the famous people he’d met – Chris Pine and Leonard Nimoy and J. J. Abrams – and of course I was just sitting at home and that made me resentful. I wanted to be a mother but I wanted to be more than that too. Ashleigh was born and that was magical and Damian had a big party and he was the proud dad. But after that I found that he was away more and more. He’d been cast in season four of Mad Men and his whole life seemed to be about parties, premieres, fast cars and models, while I was stuck at home with feeding bottles, prams and nappies … or diapers, I should call them. He was getting through the money like nobody’s business. There was never enough for the gardeners and the grocery bills. It was like some cheap paperback version of Hollywood. All the clichés.’
‘Tell them about the drugs,’ her father said.
‘He took cocaine and other stuff – but that wasn’t anything special. All the Brits out there did the same. You couldn’t go to a party without someone getting on their mobile and minutes later a motorbike dispatch rider would arrive with the little plastic bags. In the end, I stopped going to the parties. I’ve never taken drugs and I didn’t feel comfortable.’
Ashleigh stirred on the sofa and Martin scooped her up again. The child lolled happily in his arms.
‘I make it all sound awful,’ Grace continued. ‘But that’s only because I’m telling it now that it’s all over. You can’t be completely unhappy in Los Angeles. Not when the sun is shining and the garden is full of bougainvillea. Damian never hurt me. He wasn’t a bad man. He was just …’
‘ … selfish.’ Martin Lovell finished the sentence.