The Trade(15)

My phone vibrates and I quickly pick it up. “Hello?” I give him an apologetic look.

“You can’t possibly be using platypus on Robert.”

“Oh no, really? Shit, okay, I thought I sent that file over before I left.”

“Natalie, he’s adorable. So sweet.”

“Yes, I’m busy. What am I doing? Well, I’m on a date with a very nice man.” Robert smiles charmingly at me. “Can’t you wait until tomorrow?” I pause. “Fine. I’ll be right there.”

“You better call me—” I hang up and stuff my phone in my purse.

“I’m so sorry, Robert, but that was my boss. I apparently forgot to attach a document to a bid and they need it, so I have to go into the office.”

“I understand completely.” He stands with me and leans over to give me a hug. For a brief second, I think maybe he is a nice guy, that’s until he whispers, “If you ever want to be painted, let me know.”

Or he’s just a creep.

I awkwardly laugh and then sprint out of the restaurant and hail a taxi. Once inside, I call Monica again.

“What the hell happened?” she asks, insulted.

“He paints—”

“Which I think is sexy.”

“. . . porn star vaginas.”

Silence.

I envision Monica trying to process my statement with a confused look on her face.

“He what?” she whispers. I chuckle.

“He paints vaginas, Monica. Porn star vaginas because he thinks they’re better painted used.”

“Oh, dear God.” She makes a puking sound on the other end of the phone. “I’m telling his mother.”





“Why are you calling me? Shouldn’t you be on your date?”

“That ended,” I say, putting my car into reverse and backing out of the parking spot.

“Why? Didn’t it just start?”

“Yes, well, on my way to the restaurant, I was pulled over for failing to signal.”

“Failing to signal?” Monica practically yells into the phone. “That isn’t something they give tickets for.”

“Apparently they do.”

“So you were in a bad mood and cancelled?”

“Oh no, I thought hey, why not go on this date still, maybe have a few drinks, make out in my car for a bit, the normal stuff, you know . . . get some action. But that ended the moment my date walked up to me.”

“Was he not who you expected?”

“He was the cop who gave me a ticket for failing to signal.”

“Oh . . .” She laughs. “Shit.”

“Yeah, I told him to stick his dick in a blender and walked out.”

“Yup, that is a sure-fire way to end a date before it starts.”





“Are you going to eat the rest of your dish, dear?”

Smiling tightly, I shake my head, as I fill in the tip amount on the receipt, add up the over one-hundred-dollar bill, and then sign my name.

“Wonderful.” I look up just in time to see my date’s mother pull a box of foil out of her purse and start wrapping my leftover chicken and potatoes in it while my date’s father leans back and rubs his belly.

To say I was surprised to go out with my date . . . and his parents is an understatement. I didn’t have it in me to ditch him in front of his parents who are rather chatty people.

“What a wonderful night. I think it’s a match. Gary, what do you think?”

Gary, the father, eyes me suspiciously and then picks at his tooth with his finger. “Nah.” He shakes his head. “Too uptight. Evan can do better.”

“And this is why I bring my parents.” Evan gives them both a hug.

Good Christ.

Insulted, I stand from my chair and gently look at Evan as I point to his parents. “And they are why you’re still single. Have a good night.”





I’ve never seen a man sweat as much as poor Roger sitting in front of me.

Large dark circles color his armpits, beads of sweat caress his upper lip, and just above his brow, a nervous vein keeps twitching at me, startling me with how big it’s getting.

Is he even breathing over there?

“Are you okay, Roger?”

“Oh yup, fine. Just fine. Very fine.” He dabs his forehead with his napkin and then looks down at his plate. “I’m sorry, you’re just very pretty and entirely out of my league. I know it, you know it, everyone in this restaurant knows it.”

“That’s not true,” I say, trying to make him feel better. His lack of confidence is not attractive to me at all, neither is the way he keeps licking his lip. I’m seconds away from offering him some of my lip balm to soothe the redness that’s starting to ring around his mouth.

“It is.” He nods and rocks in his chair. “It’s very true. You’re just very beautiful and I knew I shouldn’t have gone on this date. I’m sure you’re having a hard time finding something you like about me.”

Sheesh, grow a pair, Roger, and man up.

“There are plenty of things I like about you,” I say, so he doesn’t feel any worse than he is right now.

“Tell me one thing.” He looks up at me with hopeful eyes and just like that, my mind goes blank.