The Things You Didn't See(69)

I want Victoria to stay longer, but after she eats a few mouthfuls of food she asks to be excused, and I know she wants to go and FaceTime Dawn. I let her go, and then I’m alone.

Daniel still isn’t home.

I go up to the bedroom without turning the light on, and look down onto our empty driveway, as if wishing will make him appear. This conflict, my love for him balanced against righteous anger that he should be here supporting me, is very present for me in the dark room. But even here, now, I don’t believe Holly’s right. Ash shot you, I’m certain, just like he shot me when I was twelve. An accident, Dad called it, comforting the snivelling boy even before he came to me, though I was bleeding. He made me tell the police I didn’t want to press charges, then you sent me away to boarding school. And this is your reward, Mum – this is what happens when you welcome foundlings into your house and treat them like kin.

Every time a car turns into our road and its beam falls on our front path my heart lifts, then sinks as the light dips and the car turns away. The longer he stays away, the more the doubts take hold. Could it be that the man I sleep beside each night is a killer? I can’t believe that. But that he’s a cheat, that he’s fucking someone else? Yes.

Daniel must be with her, with Monica. I should never have doubted myself two years ago: my suspicions were right. He’s going to leave me. Oh God, he doesn’t love me any more. I’ve already lost you – how can I cope if I lose him too?

There’s only one way to keep him, and that’s to forget what I know. I won’t say anything when he arrives, I’ll act normally. His dinner’s saved on a plate in the oven – the smell of charred flesh, bird meat brittle from waiting too long. Will he say he was with a new client, one who desperately needs his help, maybe someone with terminal cancer? I’ll nod and watch him eat, pour him a glass of wine and say nothing. My fear of him leaving me is an invisible scold’s bridle.

But then another thought. Oh – God forbid – maybe he’s not coming home at all. Maybe the phone will ring instead, from Monica’s house. ‘I don’t love you, Cassandra.’ Is this how it ends?

Car lights. Coming down the road. Coming up the drive – his car. I practise smiling as I run downstairs, to the kitchen. By the time he opens the front door, the food is out of the oven and on the table. The purple sauce covers blackened duck meat, a large glass of wine to cover the taste. Pathetic, I know, but I’ve decided to keep the lid on the can of worms, because I love him.

‘God, it’s freezing out there.’

Daniel takes off his coat, tosses it over the banister, and then disappears into the downstairs restroom. Running water and a refilling tank. Finally, he’s with me in the kitchen. His face is yellow-grey, like there’s something leaking under the surface and polluting it. I pour myself a glass of dark grape and slug it down, already swallowing more than I should.

‘How was your day, love?’ He sounds weary and I hand him his wine, checking his face for signs of deception.

‘I’m coping. How was work?’

‘Busy. Last month’s radio programme on treating ME with reiki has brought in another three clients.’ I can see the deceit on his face.

‘That’s great news, Dan.’

He can’t even look at me as he picks up his fork. I watch as he chews.

I can’t resist asking, ‘So that’s why you’re late?’

Then he makes himself look at me, his eyes blinking heavily, hidden meaning in pools of blue.

No, don’t say it! I don’t want to hear.

‘Cass, I didn’t go to work this afternoon.’

I’d prefer him to lie. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed him with questions.

‘I didn’t want to deceive you, love, but I didn’t want to upset you either. It’s a tragedy, what you’re going through, and I don’t want to make your burden worse.’

‘Then don’t,’ I say weakly.

‘I have to, love. I visited Oakfield. Mrs H was so concerned about you, what with you just turning up and collecting Victoria with no warning. I saw Dawn too. She’s missing Tori. And then I went somewhere else . . .’

‘No, don’t tell me,’ I say. ‘Do what you like – as long as I’m ignorant it can’t hurt me.’

‘That wouldn’t be right, love. There should always be honesty between us.’

Oh God, here it comes. I feel my spine curve out, my body already giving in. The lid being peeled back from the can of worms.

‘You’ll be angry, but hear me out first. I want you to know that I only ever do what is best for our family.’

‘Daniel, please shut up.’ I don’t want to know about his lover; he can fuck her so long as I don’t have to hear it. Keep the lid on the can, push it down hard. ‘Just eat. We can talk another time.’

‘You know we shouldn’t eat processed foods.’ He pushes his plate away. ‘Cassandra, I went to Norwich Prison to see your dad. Look, love, he needs our help. God, that prison is truly hideous. All those bloody criminals. Hector looked like a trapped animal. I mean, he’s a farmer – he belongs in the open air. Seeing him in there, locked away like that. And the stench!’

He takes my hands in his, holding them tight and waiting till I look at him. Every instinct tells me to run away, but his eyes hold me.