The Things You Didn't See(16)
‘It don’t matter what either of us want, do it?’ Dad’s voice is raised and his face is flushed with anger. ‘Maya agreed to sell the farm over to ’em anyway.’
Daniel breathes out deeply, trying to keep his own fury in check. He knows what happened yesterday. I called him from my car and told him that you’d decided to sell, but this is the first time it’s been mentioned.
‘A verbal agreement means nothing.’ He takes another deep breath and closes his eyes, calming his brain. ‘Now isn’t the time to talk about this, Hector. We should all get some sleep.’
Sleep. It’s a call to another place, somewhere I long to visit. I switch off and let the words float around me, thinking how much I want to lie down and close my eyes.
Daniel carries me upstairs, his strong arms cradling me as though I weigh nothing.
‘It’s all changed now,’ I say, sleepy and confused, my brain leaden with drug-induced lethargy, but trying to remember all that has happened in just a few hours, to make sense of it. Everyone is telling me you tried to kill yourself, but I can’t believe that. Yesterday I had an episode, a moment of delusion when oblivion seemed tempting, and you were so angry, Mum, so furious at my weakness, that I can’t believe you succumbed to the same flaw just a few hours later. I’m the weak one, not you. I need Daniel to heal me again.
‘Please look after me.’
He lays me down on our bed, sits next to me and unbuttons my blouse, unzips my skirt. I’m naked underneath. I move my hand to my chest, covering myself where my old scar sits, trying to explain. ‘When I woke, I couldn’t find my knickers or bra.’
He shushes me with a kiss, takes my hand and removes it from my breast, kissing the place I was trying to conceal. His other hand comes to rest on my thigh and he moves so he’s above me. He quickly pulls off his own clothes and touches me, so we’re skin on skin. I want to take his comfort and I move for him, under him, opening myself up, even though I can’t stop wondering about all the other women Daniel has loved. My jealous brain torments me with their ecstasies, oh, oh, oh. Imagined sounds that I drown out with my own as I cry out, giving in to the overwhelming love I feel for Daniel.
After we’ve made love, I feel revived, giddy even, as though your being so close to death has made me cling to life and all its pleasures.
Daniel wraps me in his pyjama top, then coaxes me downstairs to eat. It’s proper night now, pitch-black outside, and far too late for supper, but suddenly I’m starving. In the kitchen, nothing has changed. It’s spotless, except for a solitary bowl on the counter, a plastic container of linseed and nuts on the side, and a teaspoon by the sink. It was a lonely breakfast for Daniel this morning.
And look – Victoria’s homecoming cake. Still where I put it on Friday afternoon, beside the glass jars of pumpkin seeds and goji berries. Pink and sticky and sweet, untouched under clear plastic and coloured cardboard.
‘If you need some comfort food, what about a bowl of kefir? Or some miso soup?’ I shake my head. ‘Do you want a piece of that ?’
The cake isn’t mine to eat. ‘How was Victoria when you saw her?’
He leans forward to kiss the corner of my mouth. ‘She’s fine, love. Try not to worry so much – it’s not healthy. Dawn’s also staying at the school so they’re keeping each other company.’
Dawn is Victoria’s best friend. She was coming to stay for the week too. It’s easier that way, now Victoria doesn’t have friends in the area, and Dawn enjoys staying with us. So many plans, ruined.
‘They’ll be okay. They have each other. You didn’t mind me going to see them, did you?’
‘Of course not. It’s just – I miss her. I’d rather have her home . . .’ This is an old argument, one I lost two years ago.
‘I don’t think that’s wise, Cass, under the circumstances. Let’s focus on your mum, and see what happens. Okay?’
He saws off some sourdough bread, loads it with cashew butter, and I eat it fast. I wipe the crumbs from my lips and say, ‘I want to go back to the hospital to see how Mum is.’
‘It’s almost midnight, Cass. You’re disorientated, you’ve lost track of time. Go back tomorrow morning, that’s soon enough. You need to sleep now.’
I feel how true it is, the heaviness, the thin skin over my eyes weighed down, my limbs leaden, as if I’m already under blankets, already giving in. Sleepiness hits me so hard that I’m not sure I can manage the stairs. I want to be carried again, to be held close.
‘I’ll check on Hector before I turn in. I saw the light was still on in the spare room, but let’s get you into bed first.’
He speaks to me like I’m a child, and pathetic though it is, I like it. Up the stairs we go, Daniel at my side, supporting my weight, as if my pain is physical, though if I slip, his guiding arm won’t be enough to stop me falling.
Daniel helps me back into bed. ‘In you get!’ he says, just like he used to say to Victoria when she was little, opening up the duvet like a doorway. He busies himself with collecting my blouse and skirt from the floor, discarded before we made love, folds them with studied care. He’s lost more than one member of staff over his fastidiousness. They thought he was controlling, but really, it’s the poise that comes with an ordered spiritual life. Not everyone understands that.