The Therapist(95)

‘Of course,’ I said. ‘Anything.’

‘Live it.’ I looked at her uncomprehendingly. ‘Live the life you have. You’ve spent the last twenty years living in the past. Now you have a whole life ahead of you. Don’t let guilt consume you. We all make mistakes.’

Some more than others. I can make any number of excuses for myself. Despite therapy, I have never recovered from killing my parents and sister. The judge’s refusal to send me to jail, even though I begged him to, robbed me of my need to be punished and I’ve been punishing myself ever since. Leaving Harlestone, where everyone knew my story and came together to stop me from sinking into despair, meant that I was left without my support group. But I had Leo, the only other person I had confided in, because there were meant to be no secrets between us. He knew everything, including my anguish at not being properly punished. It’s why, when I discovered that he had served a prison sentence, it wasn’t his criminal record that made me unable to forgive him, but jealousy. I was jealous that he had been able to atone for what he did and move on with his life, while I was stuck in the past. Already floundering because he hadn’t told me about Nina, I became even more disorientated and turned to the one person I felt I could trust, the one person who represented stability when distrust and suspicion, created unwittingly by Lorna’s whispered warning, began to colour my friendships with those around me. But the only thing I can really blame Thomas Grainger for is instilling fear into me with his night-time prowling. For the rest, I played right into his hands.

Eve and I talk a while longer. It’s almost the same as before, but not quite. And that’s OK, because I know it can never be the same, not when I haven’t told her the whole truth. It’s the same with Leo; I still see him, we are still friends and he’s made it clear that he’d like us to be together again. But how can I if I’m keeping secrets from him, when I couldn’t forgive him for keeping secrets from me?

Sometimes, I think he knows there’s more to what happened than the version I gave him. The last time he was here, he caught hold of my hands and pulled me to him.

‘I would never judge you,’ he said softly. ‘How could I, after the things I kept from you?’

Eve leaves me with a hug, promising to let me know when the baby arrives.

‘Tamsin would love to see you,’ she says and I wish I could tell her that I owe Tamsin a huge debt, because if she hadn’t told me about Oliver not having a sister, I doubt I’d be here. I’m sure Thomas intended to kill me that day to stop me from leaving The Circle, that he would have led me upstairs on some pretence, and I would have suffered the same fate as Nina, Marion and Justine.

‘I’d like that,’ I say truthfully, although I’m not sure it will ever happen. ‘Give her my love.’

I walk slowly back to the kitchen. It’s not always easy doing as Lorna asked, but I’m glad I agreed to see Eve. I sit down at the table, happy to get back to the book I was reading, then pause. Leo will be phoning later to see how it went. I’ve already taken one huge step today; maybe it’s time to take another and finally tell him the truth about the man who turned up at our drinks evening.

The truth, and nothing but the truth.





Acknowledgements


First and foremost, thank you to my amazing agent Camilla Bolton. After five books together, you are so much more than my agent. I’m proud and honoured to call you my friend.

Thank you to Kate Mills at HQ and Catherine Richards at St Martin’s Press for your precious input and unwavering support. And to all my other editors abroad, more than forty of you now! Your continued faith in my books is humbling.

Huge thanks also to the following:

The teams who work with my editors to proofread, design, promote and market my books. I wish I could mention each of you by name. But you know who you are and I also hope you know how grateful I am for your hard work and enthusiasm.

My fellow authors, who kindly take time out from their busy lives to read my books. In particular, I would like to thank Louise Candlish, Jane Corry and Tim Logan for their generous quotes in relation to The Therapist.

The bloggers and readers, who give up their precious time to read and review my books.

My friends, both in France and in the UK, for always being interested in what I am writing, and for buying my books when they are eventually published.

And, of course, my thanks to the wonderful members of the Curran and MacDougall families, most of all my husband Calum and my daughters, Sophie, Chlo?, Céline, Elo?se and Margaux. You hold me up.