The Survivors(73)

‘Trish, I have your backpack. If that’s what you’re searching for. I’m sorry, I pulled it out of the sea after you threw it in. I didn’t know what it was.’

‘Oh. Olivia said you’d found it.’ Trish looked embarrassed, but still her gaze crept past him once again to the waves. Kieran wondered if there was another bag out there yet to turn up. Maybe more than one.

‘Do you want it back?’ he said. ‘It’s in our shed. I can get it.’

‘No.’ She looked uncertain, then rallied. ‘No. I promised Olivia.’ She gave a self-conscious laugh. ‘I can’t imagine what you’re thinking. It must seem completely crazy.’

‘No.’ Kieran shook his head. It didn’t actually. When Kieran felt his daughter’s weight in his arms and imagined himself in Trish Birch’s position, it didn’t seem that crazy at all.

‘Well. I’m not sure most people would agree with you, but thanks for saying it anyway.’ Trish reached out and gently moved Audrey’s blanket aside to better see her face. ‘It never changes, you know. Even when they’re older. You’d take a bullet for someone who won’t even wave to you at the school gate. Then suddenly they’re ripped away and –’ Trish shrugged. ‘Well, you were there last night, I’m guessing? Heard Bronte’s mum?’

Kieran nodded.

‘I used to be like that,’ Trish said. ‘Not as articulate or well resourced. Angry, though. Behind closed doors at least. I never had the courage to do it in public. I felt I had to be polite and nice, give people a reason to want to help me.’ Her face hardened. ‘It didn’t make any difference. My daughter’s still gone. Maybe I should have let it all out, like Bronte’s mum.’

She looked so unsettled by the thought that Kieran felt worried for her. Beyond his parents’ back fence, he noticed a light burning in the hallway. Someone was awake.

‘Why don’t you come in for a coffee, Trish? Have a chat with Mia. My mum’s in too. You can hold the baby.’

Trish was already shaking her head. ‘No. Thank you, though –’

‘It’s no trouble.’

‘It’s honestly better if I keep walking. Truly. Thanks anyway.’ Trish glanced at the house, a little awkward. ‘Does Verity know about the backpacks?’

‘No,’ Kieran said. ‘I won’t tell her, if you don’t want me to.’

‘Thank you.’ Trish looked relieved. ‘I’m sure your mum would understand, but she’s always been so –’ She considered. ‘Together. Even after everything.’

Kieran thought about his mother and her brittle calm and did not reply. Trish’s eyes were on Audrey.

‘She’ll burn out,’ she said out of nowhere. ‘Bronte’s mum. She doesn’t think she will, but she will. You can’t maintain it forever. She’ll end up –’ Trish sighed. ‘I don’t know. Doing her own secret crazy things like the rest of us.’

She looked up from the baby and out along the still deserted beach.

‘I’ve kept you out of the water long enough,’ she said. ‘You must be freezing.’

Kieran was, a bit. The sky was fully light now. The glow from the house was still visible.

‘You sure you won’t come in?’

‘No. I’m going to keep walking.’ She gave Audrey a last smile and turned.

Kieran watched her for a few paces.

‘Hey, Trish, wait,’ he called, and she looked back. ‘How many times have you done that? With the backpacks?’

‘I’m not doing it anymore. I promised Olivia.’

‘But so far?’

A long pause. ‘Dozens. I’m not sure exactly.’

‘And how many washed up at that spot near the rocks?’

‘Two.’

‘Two.’

‘Or three.’ She shrugged. ‘Depending on whether or not you count Gabby’s.’

‘Right. Do you count it?’

‘Some days yes. Some days no.’ Trish looked away now, embarrassed and exposed by her grief. ‘Anyway, enjoy your time with your little one. They grow up fast.’ If you’re lucky.

The words hung in the air, but she didn’t say them, just raised a hand in farewell. Kieran watched as she walked away along the beach, her face turned yet again towards the ocean and the relentless push-pull of the tide rushing in and out.





Chapter 26


Mia hadn’t stirred when Kieran had crept out of the bedroom earlier, but she was up now. He found her sitting alone at the kitchen table, staring into the light of her phone screen.

‘Hello,’ she whispered as he looked in from the hall. The house had a heavy stillness but he had the sense that behind closed doors, his parents were awake. It had been hard work convincing Brian to come home with them after the meeting, and an exhausted Verity had steered him straight to the bedroom as soon as they’d got into the house. Mia had sat down to feed Audrey, and Kieran had lain down just to rest his eyes. When he’d next opened them, it had been the early dark of morning.

‘Did you get some sleep?’ he said.

‘On and off. I kept waking up and couldn’t stop thinking about things.’