The Schopenhauer Cure(56)
Stuart, as Tony before him, was stunned by Philip’s response and lapsed into silence as he digested Philip’s words.
Julius said, “I’ve a bit of a dilemma…” He waited a moment. “On the one hand,” he continued, “I feel it’s important to follow up this discussion with Philip, but I’m also concerned about Rebecca. Where are you, Rebecca? You look distressed, and I know you’ve been trying to get in.”
“I’m feeling a little bruised today and shut out, ignored. By Bonnie, by Stuart.”
“Keep going.”
“There’s a lot of negative stuff coming my way—about being self-centered, not being interested in woman friends, about posturing for Philip. It stings. And I resent it.”
“I know what that’s like,” said Julius. “I have those same knee-jerk reactions to criticism. But let me tell you what I’ve learned to do. The real trick is to think of feedback as a gift, but first you must decide whether it’s accurate. The way I proceed is to check in with myself and ask whether it clicks with my own experience of myself. Does any part, even a tad of it, even five percent, ring true? I try to recall if people in the past had given me this feedback before. I think about other people with whom I can check it out. I wonder if someone is honing in on one of my blind spots, something they see that I do not. Can you try this?”
“That’s not easy, Julius. I feel tight about it.” Rebecca clasped her hand to her sternum. “Right here.”
“Give that tightness a voice. What’s it saying?”
“It’s saying, ‘How will I look?’ It’s shame. It’s being found out. This business about people noticing my playing with my hair. Makes me cringe, makes me want to say, ‘It’s none of your fucking business—it’s my hair—I’ll do what I want with it.’”
In his most teacherly voice Julius responded, “Years ago there was a therapist named Fritz Perls who started a school called gestalt therapy. You don’t hear much about him nowadays, but, anyway, he did a lot of focusing on the body—you know, ‘Look what your left hand is doing right now,’ or ‘I see you stroking your beard a lot.’ He’d ask patients to exaggerate the movement: ‘Keep making a tighter fist with your left hand,’ or ‘Keep stroking that beard more and more vigorously and stay aware of what gets evoked.’
“I always felt there was a lot to Perls’s approach because so much of our unconscious is expressed through body movements that lie out of our own awareness. But I’ve never made much use of it in therapy. The reason? Exactly because of what’s happening now, Rebecca. We often get defensive when others spot us doing things of which we are unaware. So I understand how uncomfortable you feel, but even so, can you stay with it and try to learn if there’s something of value in the feedback?”
“In other words, you’re saying ‘be mature.’ I’ll try.” Rebecca sat up straight, took a breath, and with a determined demeanor began, “First, it is true that I like attention and that I first came to therapy upset about my aging and about no longer being stared at by men. So I may have been preening for Philip but not consciously.” She turned back to the group. “So, mea culpa. I like to be admired, I like to be loved and adored, I like love.”
“Plato,” Philip interjected, “observed that love is in the one who loves, not in the one who is loved.”
“Love is in the one who loves not in the one who is loved—That’s a great quote, Philip,” Rebecca said, flashing a smile. “You see, that’s what I like about you. Comments just like that. They open my eyes. I find you interesting. Attractive too.”
Rebecca turned to the group. “Does that mean I want to have an affair with him? Nope! The last affair I had just about did my marriage in, and I’m not shopping for trouble.”
“So Philip,” said Tony, “you have feelings about what Rebecca just said?”
“I said before that my goal in life is to will as little as possible and to know as much as possible. Love, passion, seduction—these are powerful sentiments, part of our hardwiring to perpetuate our species and, as Rebecca has just made clear, they may operate unconsciously. But, all in all, these activities serve to derail reason and interfere with my scholarly pursuits, and I want nothing to do with them.”
“Every time I ask you something, you give me an answer that’s hard to argue with. But you never answer my question,” said Tony.
“I think he answered it,” said Rebecca. “He made it clear that he does not want any emotional involvement, that he wants to stay free and clearheaded. I think Julius has made the same point—that’s why there’s a taboo against romantic involvement in the group.”
“What taboo?” Tony addressed Julius. “I never heard that rule said out loud.”
“I’ve never put it just like that. The only ground rule you heard from me about relationships outside of the meetings is that there be no secrets and that if there are any encounters whatsoever outside the group sessions, the members involved must bring it up in the group. If not, if you keep secrets, it almost always gums up the work of the group and sabotages your own therapy. That’s my only rule about outside encounters. But, Rebecca, let’s not lose the thread of what’s going on between you and Bonnie. Check into your feelings about her.”