The Schopenhauer Cure(35)
Julius sat with his head bowed for a few minutes and then said, “Yes, I can see how confusing this must be for all of you. Okay, here it is straight. Or as straight as my memory permits. After my diagnosis, I fell into real despair. I felt I had gotten a death sentence, and I was staggered by it. Among other dark thoughts I began to question whether anything I had done in my life had any enduring meaning whatsoever. I slogged around in that question for a day or two, and, since my life is so intertwined with my work, I began thinking of patients I’d seen in the past. Had I really, permanently, affected anyone’s life? I felt I had no time to waste, and so, on the spot, I decided to contact some of my old patients. Philip was the first person, and so far the only one, I reached.”
“And why select Philip?” asked Tony.
“That’s the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question—or maybe that’s dated—is it the sixty-four-million-dollar question these days? Short answer: I’m not sure. I’ve wondered about it a lot. It wasn’t smart of me because if I wanted reassurance of my worth, there are a lot of better candidates. Try as hard as I did for a full three years, I didn’t help Philip. Maybe I was hoping that he would report some delayed effect of therapy—some patients report such a thing. But it didn’t turn out that way for him. Maybe I was being masochistic—wanted to rub my nose in it. Maybe I chose my biggest failure in order to give myself a second chance. I admit it—I frankly don’t know my motives. And then during the course of our discussion Philip told me of his career change and asked if I would be willing to be his supervisor. Philip,” Julius turned to face Philip, “I assume you filled the group in on this?”
“I provided the necessary details.”
“Can you be a little more cryptic?”
Philip looked away, the rest of the group looked uncomfortable, and after a long silence Julius said, “I apologize for the sarcasm, Philip, but can you see where your answer left me?”
“As I said, I provided the necessary details to the others,” Philip said.
Bonnie turned to face Julius: “I’ll be upfront. This feels unpleasant, and I’m rescuing you. I don’t think you need to be hassled today—I think you need to be taken care of. Please, what can we do for you, today?”
“Thanks, Bonnie, you’re right, I am shaky today—your question’s a lovely one, but I’m not sure I can answer it. I’ll tell you all a big secret: there have been times I’ve entered this room feeling bad because of some personal issues and left feeling better just as a result of being a part of this terrific group. So maybe that’s the answer to your question. The best thing for me is simply for all of you to use the group and not let my situation bring us to a total stop.”
After a short silence Tony said, “Tough assignment with what’s gone down today.”
“Right,” said Gill. “It’ll feel awkward to talk about anything else.”
“These are the times I miss Pam,” said Bonnie. “She was the one who always knew what to do—no matter how awkward the situation.”
“Funny, I was thinking about her earlier too,” said Julius.
“It must be telepathy,” said Rebecca. “Just a minute ago Pam went through my mind also. It was when Julius talked about successes and failures.” She turned to Julius: “I know she was your favorite child in our family here—and that’s not a question—it’s so obvious. What I’m wondering is whether you feel like you failed with her—you know, her taking a couple of months off to seek another kind of therapy because we couldn’t help her. That can’t be great for your self-esteem.”
Julius gestured toward Philip. “Maybe you should fill him in.”
“Pam’s a real force here,” Rebecca said to Philip, who did not meet her eyes. “Both her marriage and a relationship with a lover fell apart. She decided to leave her marriage but then the lover opted not to leave his wife. She got upset with both men and obsessed about them day and night. Try as we could, we never found a way to help her. In desperation she took off for India to seek help from a famous guru at a Buddhist meditation retreat.”
Philip made no response.
Rebecca turned back to face Julius. “So how did you feel about her taking off?”
“You know, up to about fifteen years ago I would have been very uptight—more than that, I might even have taken a strong stand against it and insisted that her search for another form of enlightenment was just resistance to change. I’ve changed. Now I feel I need all the help I can get. And I’ve found that participation in some other mode of growth, even flaky stuff, can often open up new areas for our therapeutic work. And I sure hope that will be true for Pam.”
“It may have been not a flaky but an excellent choice for her,” said Philip. “Schopenhauer felt positive about Eastern meditative practice and its emphasis on mind clearing, on seeing through illusion, and its approach to relieving suffering by teaching the art of letting go of attachments. In fact, he was the first to introduce Eastern thought into Western philosophy.”
Philip’s comment was made to no one in particular, and no one responded. Julius felt irritated about hearing Schopenhauer’s name so often but kept it to himself as he noted several members nodding in appreciation of Philip’s remarks.