The Schopenhauer Cure(108)

“Me, too,” said Gill. “And I’ll eventually forgive you for what you did with Tony here. How about you? Do you forgive yourself for springing that ‘confession day’ and dumping him in public?—that was humiliating.”

“I’ve apologized publicly for not consulting with him about the confession. I was guilty there of extreme thoughtlessness.”

Gill persisted, “There’s something else, though: do you forgive yourself for using Tony?”

“Using Tony?” said Pam. “I used Tony? What are you talking about?”

“Seems like your whole relationship was one thing—and a far more important thing—to him than to you. Seems like you weren’t relating so much to Tony but to others, perhaps even to Philip, through Tony.”

“Oh, Stuart’s cockamamie idea—I’ve never bought into that,” said Pam.

“Used?” interjected Tony. “You think I was used? No complaints here about that—I’m up for being used like that any time.”

“Come on, Tony,” said Rebecca, “stop playing games. Stop thinking with your little head.”

“Little head?”

“Your cock!”

When Tony broke into a big lascivious smile, Rebecca barked, “You bastard, you knew what I meant! You just wanted to hear me talk dirty. Get serious, Tony, we don’t have much time left here. You can’t really be saying you weren’t affected by what happened with Pam.”

Tony stopped smiling, “Well, being suddenly dumped felt…you know, thrown away. But I’m still hoping.”

“Tony,” said Rebecca, “you’ve still got a lot of work to do on relating to a woman. Quit begging—it’s demeaning. I hear you saying they can use you in any goddamned way they want because there’s only one thing you want from them: to get laid. That’s belittling yourself—and them too.”

“I didn’t think I was using Tony,” said Pam. “Everything felt mutual to me. But, to be honest, at the time I didn’t reflect much. I just acted on automatic pilot.”

“As did I, long ago. Automatic pilot,” Philip said softly.

Pam was startled. She looked at Philip for a few seconds and then gazed downward.

“I have a query for you,” said Philip.

When Pam did not look up, he added, “A query for you, Pam.”

Pam raised her head and faced him. Other members exchanged glances.

“Twenty minutes ago you said ‘disillusionment with academic life.’ And yet a few weeks ago you said that when you applied to grad school, you seriously considered philosophy, even working on Schopenhauer. If that is so, then I put this question to you: could I have been that disastrous a teacher?”

“I never said you were a bad teacher,” replied Pam. “You were one of the best teachers I’ve ever had.”

Astonished, Philip stared hard at her.

“Talk about what you’re feeling, Philip,” urged Julius.

When Philip refused to answer, Julius said, “You remember everything, every word, Pam says. I think she matters a great deal to you.”

Philip remained silent.

Julius turned toward Pam. “I’m thinking about your words—that Philip was one of the best teachers you ever had. That must have compounded your sense of disappointment and betrayal.”

“Amen. Thanks, Julius, you’re always there.”

Stuart repeated her words, “One of the best teachers you ever had! I’m absolutely floored by that. I’m floored by your saying something so…so generous, to Philip. That’s a huge step.”

“Don’t make too much of it,” said Pam. “Julius hit the nail on the head: if anything, his being a good teacher made what he did even more egregious.”



Tony, taking to heart Gill’s comments about his relationship with Pam, opened the next meeting by addressing Pam directly. “This is…like awkward, but I been holding something back. I want to say that I’m feeling more bummed out about us than I’ve admitted. I haven’t done anything wrong to you—you and I were…uh together…mutual about the sex, and yet now I’m the person non grata—”

“Persona non grata,” whispered Philip gently.

“Persona non grata.” Tony continued, “And I feel I’m being punished. We’re not close anymore, and I guess I miss that. It seems like we were once friends, then lovers, and now…it’s like…in limbo…nothing…you avoid me. And Gill’s right: getting dumped in public was humiliating as hell. Right now I get nothing from you—not getting laid, not being friends.”

“Oh Tony, I am so so sorry. I know. I made a mistake—I—we—should never have done this. It’s awkward for me, too.”

“So how about our going back to where we were before?”

“Back to?”

“Just friends, that’s all. Just hanging out after the group, like all the others do here, except for my buddy, Philip, who’s coming around.” Tony reached over and gave Philip’s shoulder an affectionate squeeze. “You know, talking about the group, your telling me about books, all that stuff.”

“That sounds adult,” answered Pam. “And…it would be a first for me—usually after an affair I make a clean tumultuous break.”