The Schopenhauer Cure(100)
“I’ve followed his model closely—my primary relationships are with great thinkers whom I read daily. I avoid cluttering my mind with everydayness, and I have a daily contemplative practice through chess or listening to music—unlike Schopenhauer, I have no ability to play an instrument.”
Julius was fascinated by this dialogue. Was Philip unaware of Pam’s rancor? Or frightened of her wrath? And what of Philip’s solution to his addiction? At times Julius silently marveled at it; more often he scoffed. And Philip’s comment that when he read Schopenhauer he felt entirely understood for the first time felt like a slap in the face. What am I, thought Julius, chopped liver? For three years I worked my ass off trying to understand and empathize with him. But Julius kept silent; Philip was gradually changing. Sometimes it is best to store things and return to them at some propitious time in the future.
A couple of weeks later the group raised these issues for him during a meeting which began with Rebecca and Bonnie both telling Pam that she had changed—for the worse—since Philip had entered the group. All the sweet, loving, generous parts of her had disappeared from sight, and, though her anger was not as vicious as in her first confrontation with him, still, Bonnie said, it was always present and had frozen into something hard and relentless.
“I’ve seen Philip change a great deal in the past few months,” said Rebecca, “but you’re so stuck—just like you were with John and Earl. Do you want to hold on to your rage forever?”
Others pointed out that Philip had been polite, that he had responded fully to every one of Pam’s inquiries, even to those laced with sarcasm.
“Be polite,” said Pam, “then you will be able to manipulate others. Just like you can work wax only after you have warmed it.”
“What?” asked Stuart. Others members looked quizzical.
“I’m just quoting Philip’s mentor. That’s one of Schopenhauer’s choice tidbits of advice—and that’s what I think of Philip’s politeness. I never mentioned it here, but when I first considered grad school I considered working on Schopenhauer. But after several weeks of studying his work and his life, I grew to despise the man so much I dropped the idea.”
“So, you identify Philip with Schopenhauer?” said Bonnie.
“Identify? Philip is Schopenhauer—twin-brained, the living embodiment of that wretched man. I could tell you things about his philosophy and life that would curdle your blood. And, yes, I do believe Philip manipulates instead of relating—and I’ll tell you this: it gives me the shivers to think of him indoctrinating others with Schopenhauer’s life-hating doctrine.”
“Will you ever see Philip as he is now?” said Stuart. “He’s not the same person you knew fifteen years ago. That incident between you distorts everything; you can’t get past it, and you can’t forgive him.”
“That ‘incident’? You make it sound like a hangnail. It’s more than an incident. As for forgiving, don’t you think some things exist that are not forgivable?”
“Because you are unforgiving does not mean that things are unforgivable,” said Philip in a voice uncharacteristically charged with emotion. “Many years ago you and I made a short-term social contract. We offered each other sexual excitement and release. I fulfilled my part of it. I made sure you were sexually gratified, and I did not feel I had further obligation. The truth is that I got something and you got something. I had sexual pleasure and release, and so did you. I owe you nothing. I explicitly stated in our conversation following that event that I had a pleasurable evening but did not wish to continue our relationship. How could I have been clearer?”
“I’m not talking about clarity,” Pam shot back, “I’m talking about charity—love, caritas, concern for others.”
“You insist that I share your worldview, that I experience life the same way as you.”
“I only wish you had shared the pain, suffered as I did.”
“In that case I have good news for you. You will be pleased to know that after that incident your friend Molly wrote a letter condemning me to every member of my department as well as to the university president, provost, and the faculty senate. Despite my receiving a doctorate with distinction and despite my excellent student evaluations, which incidentally included one from you, not one member of the faculty was willing to write me a letter of support or assist me in any way to find a position. Hence I was never able to get a decent teaching position and for the past years have struggled as a vagabond lecturer at a series of unworthy third-rate schools.”
Stuart, working hard on developing his empathic sense, responded, “So you must feel you’ve served your time and that society exacted a heavy price.”
Philip, surprised, raised his eyes to look at Stuart. He nodded. “Not as heavy as the one I exacted from myself.”
Philip, exhausted, slumped back in his chair. After a few moments, eyes turned to Pam, who, unappeased, addressed the whole group: “Don’t you get that I’m not talking about a single past criminal act. I’m talking about an ongoing way of being in the world. Weren’t you all chilled just now when Philip described his behavior in our act of love as his ‘obligations to our social contract’? And what about his comments that, despite three years with Julius, he felt understood for the ‘first time’ only when he read Schopenhauer. You all know Julius. Can you believe that after three years Julius did not understand him?”