The Retreat(15)

As Julia spoke she twisted her hands together, ignoring a lock of hair that dropped across her eye. ‘People think that time heals, that you get over it. But every day for me is like a Groundhog Day, you know? I wake up, missing Lily. A hundred times a day I imagine her coming through the front door. A hundred times a day I blame myself for not keeping a better eye on her. I curse my parents for not forcing me go to swimming lessons. The same things, every single day. And at the end of it, I go to bed missing Lily.’

I didn’t know what to say.

She finally brushed the hair away from her eye. ‘Of course, there are moments when I almost forget. But then I get this feeling of panic, this knowledge that there’s something I’m supposed to be worrying about. Then I remember, and the guilt hits me. Like, how could I forget, even for a second?’

‘Oh, Julia.’

I wanted to touch her arm, put a hand on her shoulder, do something to show empathy, an attempt at comfort.

But I sat there, a useless bloke not knowing what to do or say.

‘You probably think I should let it go,’ she said, shattering the silence. ‘My daughter drowned. Move on. She’s not going to come back.’

‘I don’t . . .’

Julia got up and went to the window. It was grim outside again. White mist hung over the distant trees, turning them into ghostly silhouettes. Julia stared into the mist as if she expected – or hoped – to see Lily emerge from it. Her little girl, back from the dead.

‘What did the police say?’ I asked. ‘They must have searched for her . . .’ According to Olly the cab driver and the news reports, the river had been swarming with police. But Julia’s face told a different story.

‘They gave up almost immediately,’ she said. ‘The investigation is supposedly still open, but I haven’t heard anything for over a year. Nobody is actively working on it. They gave up within weeks because they were convinced she drowned.’

‘But you . . . are convinced she didn’t?’

Her gaze was intense. ‘They would have found her body. I’m sure of it.’

‘Not necessarily.’

She shook her head. ‘I can’t believe that she would have been swept along the river that quickly when Big Cat was still there.’

‘What do you think happened?’

She didn’t hesitate. ‘Somebody took her. He was waiting, beyond the trees. Maybe he’d spotted us walking along the path. It could have been opportunistic. Or maybe he followed us there, hoping for a chance to take Lily. A chance we gave him by lagging behind, by not watching her properly.’

In her head, she was back by the river, perhaps imagining a Sliding Doors moment, a different path.

‘I think someone was following us,’ she said.

I studied her. ‘What makes you say that?’

‘Just . . . It seems beyond even my bad luck that a predator just happened to be out there that day, that he made a decision and acted so quickly. And it’s not just that. In the days leading up to Lily’s disappearance I had this feeling . . . that we were being watched.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Just . . . Have you ever had that sensation? That there are eyes on you, but when you turn round there’s nobody there?’

I nodded. I knew that sensation well.

‘I still feel like that now,’ she said. ‘All the time. I think I can see Lily in my peripheral vision, just standing there, watching me. But when I turn, no matter how quickly I move, trying to catch her out, she’s never there.’

I understood. I’d had the same sensation, with Priya.

‘What else did the police do?’ I asked. ‘Apart from dragging the river, I mean?’

‘I don’t know exactly. They looked in the surrounding woods but didn’t find anything. They spoke to a few local men who are on the sex offenders register. Put out appeals for witnesses, checked road cameras. But it always felt to me like they were ticking boxes. They thought it was all a waste of time. She had to be in the river.’

‘Have you ever considered hiring a private investigator?’

‘I wanted to but . . .’ She sighed. ‘I’m skint. A couple of people started an appeal for funds to help find Lily, but it didn’t raise much. The public believed what the police said – that she’d drowned. And another child, a four-year-old girl, vanished at the same time, down in London. Do you remember? Violet something. Her dad was a politician? The press gave all their attention to her. They soon forgot all about Lily. But I’m convinced, Lucas. She’s still out there and I won’t give up hope. I can’t. It’s the only thing that keeps me going.’ She sighed. ‘I’ve taken up too much of your time. And I need to make breakfast. The others will be wondering what’s going on.’

She stood and left the room without looking back.

I crossed to the window. The mist was clearing slowly, bringing the world into focus. In the distance, the river wound, dull and flat, across the landscape.

Was Julia right? Could Lily still be out there somewhere?





Chapter 7

LILY – 2014

‘Chesney! Chesneeeey!’

Where was that stupid cat?

Lily stood by the back door, calling and calling until she wasn’t sure what was her original voice and what was an echo. She was fascinated by echoes. When she was a little kid, like two years ago, Dad made her go trekking up Snowdon. It was boring except for the café at the top where she had an enormous hot chocolate with cream and sprinkles, and, even better, the bit where they stood at the top of the mountain and yelled, ‘Hello!’, listening to it bounce around and back again.