The Relationship Pact(54)
“She’s sick,” he says as if that explains it all. “I just … fuck.”
“You know I’m sorry. I hate this for you. Is there something I can do?”
“Nah. I’m okay.” He laughs. “I mean, I’m sure as hell not okay, but I’m making it.”
“Ana with you?”
“No. She’s with her folks back in Braxton. They flew in from Greece to be with her. Fucking miss her.”
It’s so hard thinking about River finding his person. His Kim to her Philip, the Judy to her Ronnie. It’s not that I want that, but I can’t begrudge my dude for finding his girl.
“Need me to Door Dash you some ramen or something?” I offer.
“There’s no Door Dash here. And I hate ramen. You know that.”
“Beggars can’t be choosers,” I joke.
“Good thing I’m not a beggar then.”
We laugh. To an outside person listening in, it would sound like two friends having a light-hearted conversation about food. But it’s not, and we both know it.
We both hear it.
Our voices are tired and riddled with anxiety. The words are gruffer than they usually are too.
“How’s the blonde?” he asks.
“Larissa,” I say, happy to get to her name. “She’s good.”
He scoffs. “Don’t lie to me, Hudson.”
“Nah, she really is good. In every way.” I grin.
“There you go. You’re coming back around now.”
“You’re such a fuck.”
He laughs.
I look across the water again and feel the air against my face.
“I know what you’re getting at,” I tell him. “And she is good. We had fun last night.”
He pauses. “But …”
“But it’s done.”
The words taste rotten as I spit them out and admit the finality of my time with Larissa. Sure, I could milk it out for a few more days while I’m in town, but what would be the point?
I’m a method to end the madness in her life, a screw in her toolbox, so to speak. That’s it. And that’s fine.
Why would I want more, anyway? What would be the point in trying to figure out how to see her again after I go back to school—if she even wanted to see me, that is? The reason I’m here in the first place is because I’m not at a Bowl game because I can’t keep my shit together.
Why in the world would I even entertain the idea of juggling someone like Larissa when I can’t keep myself in the air?
I had enough dropped passes this year to prove that.
“I’m going to be smart here for a second,” River says. “This is a new skill of mine, so be patient.”
I laugh at him.
“Watching my mom be sick has changed a lot of shit for me,” he says, his voice void of any levity. “We went four years thinking football was life. We balled out, had fun—we lived a life, Hollis. But what do we have to show for it?”
“Not a National Championship this year.”
“Exactly.” He sighs. “Look, maybe this was the universe trying to tell us something. Maybe we … made complete asses out of ourselves on the field so we could look beyond the goalposts.”
“Wow. What have you been doing up there in Vermont?”
“Listening to audiobooks, believe it or not.”
“Huh. I’m not sure I like this version of you.”
He snorts. “I’m not done. My brilliance continues.”
“Great,” I deadpan.
“Life isn’t about anything we’ve been working for, man. It’s not about statistics and ratings and scoreboards. Who cares about that shit?”
I wince. “Well, you did until your period of enlightenment.”
He laughs. “What I’m trying to tell you is that what we had on the field was special because we had each other. It wasn’t about being sports stars. Not really. It was about the huddle. The locker room. It was about The Truth Is Out There after a game and listening to Crazy Carl tell us every way we fucked up and laughing our asses off.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. But I don’t think it matters to him at this point.
“I realized it while I was sitting here with Mom. After a game, I called her. I wanted to share it with her, you know? I wanted her to be proud of me.”
“She is. You know that.”
“Dude, don’t interrupt brilliance. You should be taking notes.”
I laugh.
“I’ve sat here and watched my mom try not to fucking die and realized what’s important. It’s not anything tangible,” he says.
“Ooh, big word.”
“I know. It’s impressive. Dammit, Hollis—don’t sidetrack me!”
I can’t help but laugh at him again. God, I miss him.
“Okay. I’m focusing here.” He sighs.
“Nothing in this world matters unless you have someone around to share it with. How fun would winning have been if we didn’t have each other? It makes all the hard shit you have to go through okay. We survived Three-A-Days and Hell Week and getting screamed at by Coach. Why? We had each other.”
“Yeah …”
“That’s what life is about. It’s about people, Hollis. You, me, and Crew have had the world shoving that in our faces lately and we didn’t get it.” He takes a breath. “Life has been showing me and Crew that it’s about the people in our lives through my mom getting sick and his pops passing away. And you’ve been focusing on the what’s and how’s of life and none of it makes any sense to you. Because it’s the wrong focus, man.”