The Real(81)

“I’m high now,” she said with a shrug. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get clean. You were right to leave.”

I stayed mute. I resented her for being there. I resented everything about the conversation that I’d begged for that seemed to flow so easily at that moment.

“And after what I’ve done to you,” she swallowed hard. “The guilt is worse than anything I’ve ever felt. I want you to know that’s one of the reason’s I haven’t stopped using. I know what I’ve done. I know what I’ve done to us, mostly to you. I’m sorry Cameron, with my whole heart, I’m sorry. You deserved so much better.”

My whole body jerked at her admission. I swallowed the emotion down and the anger that threatened. “What do you want, Kat?”

“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t help the suspicion, it fit.

“That’s all?”

“No catch,” she said before biting her lip. “I know it’s hard to believe. But I don’t want to be this person anymore.”

“Why couldn’t you say that to me then? All I wanted was for you to say you were still there.”

“I wasn’t,” she said solemnly, “I’m still not, Cameron. I’ve been posing for pictures nobody’s taking for so long, I have no idea who in the hell I am anymore.”

A long moment of silent resolution passed between us.

“I don’t think I was ever the woman you thought you married,” she admitted, her voice low.

Her hair whipped around her pale face as her blue eyes implored mine for anything I would offer. Kat was startlingly beautiful, had always been. Even in her sickness, it hadn’t faded, which made her beauty deceptive in a way that made me feel sick. And her admitting to that deception only made me feel worse.

It made me a fool. It made me feel taken. And for the first time since I left her, I saw she never wanted it to work out between us. And maybe that was the truth for me too. Ours was a marriage of convenience and I’d paid hell for it while she played numb and indifferent.

“Can you ever forgive me?” Her eyes were cloudy as I swallowed my bite and sighed. “I don’t want to know you anymore, Kat. I know that sounds cruel. But it’s the truth. I’m sorry.”

She nodded as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I deserve that.”

“I just can’t,” I told her. “But I will remember I loved you once. And I want you to be well. I’ll hope for that, for you.”

She cried quietly as I tamped down any human need to console her, and it wasn’t difficult. I’d hardened myself to the point where I couldn’t care. I couldn’t afford to. What was left of my heart, my loyalty, resided with a woman in Wicker Park.

Kat broke the uncomfortable silence. “I won’t contest the divorce. I’ll accept your terms, it’s the least I can do.”

“Thank you.”

“And Abbie?” She said as a question and I confirmed it with my silence. “What a fucked up and small world we live in.”

“Please don’t talk about her—”

She shook her head to cut me off. “I like her. Isn’t that a crazy thing to say? And I like her for you.”

“She didn’t know about you. Don’t . . . don’t fault her.” It was the last conversation I wanted to be having with Kat. She nodded as more understanding passed between us.

“I have no right to ask Jeffers—Cameron, but will you reach out to my father once in a while and let him know how you are?”

“I’ll think about it.”

Kat swallowed and shrugged off my jacket before handing it back to me. “Thank you, Cameron.” I didn’t know what it was for, but I nodded in response. She looked up at me with a forced smile. One that I knew was first nature after years of hiding. “Be happy. You deserve it. And maybe one day I will too.”

“Take care, Kat. Good Luck.”

She made her way down the narrow hill stumbling in her footing and her father was at her side in seconds. He embraced her, and I could see her crumbling in his arms. She’d never let me be her comfort. She never wanted me to see that far inside of her. A part of me was relieved she was finally letting someone else see her. I had to let go of the anger. She was never my puzzle to solve.

I looked back to my mother’s headstone wondering what she would think of me, of how I’ve behaved. Of what I’ve done. Kneeling down, I pressed my fingers to my lips and then to her grave. “I miss you.”




Half an hour later, I was pacing outside the front door. Nothing was working. Nothing helped. I felt hollow and completely alone. I had nothing to lose, I’d already lost everything that mattered.

Exhausted from battling demons, Kat’s and my own, all that was left was the new throb of Abbie’s loss. Even with Kat’s confession, I got no relief. Mixed up in a way I couldn’t navigate, I stared at the front door.

Thunder rang in the distance as droplets of rain began to fall on the porch, pinging off the empty plant stand. Thinking better of it, I took the first few steps away from the door when it opened.

“Cameron?”

I stopped my retreat and turned to see my father in the doorway, his eyes searching mine. “Son?” He took a step forward and put his hand on my shoulder as I faltered.