The Psychopath: A True Story(15)

When we first started classes, I watched people doing the press-ups and physical patterns with ease and wondered how I would ever be able to get to that level. Having been a dancer and gymnast at school and college I was still very flexible but had very little physical strength. The taekwondo patterns helped focus the muscles on moving the right way and my dancer training from my youth helped me learn them step by step. I used to joke that it was taking me so long to get my black belt that I would be a grey belt!

However, my plan was to be a black belt by the time Will Jordan was released from prison, so I trained hard and was very focused. Each time I punched or kicked a pad I pictured his face and it helped me hit that much harder. Not because I wanted to hit him but just that it reminded me that I needed the skill to defend myself.

My children came with me to taekwondo. I didn’t have a babysitter nor could I afford one at the time. My two-year-old son used to sit in the corner of the hall and watch as I trained. When he was bored he would try to join in and often held on to my ankles whilst I tried to practise the patterns. My club were extremely supportive and understanding – I had told them about my circumstances, which helped!

I found the training helped build my physical confidence and made me feel more in control. I grew fitter and stronger and started to do press-ups. At first I could only lower myself an inch, then it was a couple of inches, but gradually my strength increased and I was able to keep up with the rest of the class.

My teacher, Paul, has become a great friend and I loved sparring with him. He would dodge and weave, easily blocking any attack I made. It was frustrating but inspiring too. In those early days he would cheekily put his hands down and not guard himself, daring me to try and lay a glove on him. As I got better his guard came up and finally I felt my skill growing, even though I could still never hit him.

The club became more than just somewhere to learn how to defend myself – it became a family and a group of friends whom I truly value. What’s more, my children grew up with the club and were adopted into it, joining in as they grew up.

Whilst I was learning to fight I was also working with an editor on the final draft of the book. She was brilliant and asked all the right questions, prompting me to explain in more detail each step of the process and what I went through. Those questions really helped focus my mind and get the last shards of splintered information out of my head.

Then all of a sudden a final draft was finished, a cover designed and agreed, and a launch date fixed. By the summer of 2007 I would be a published author!





DAYTIME TV

My first book was published in 2007. Finally I held a copy in my hand.

It is extraordinary seeing your name on the cover of a book and I felt taller and stronger because of it. I felt awestruck being able to describe myself as an ‘author’ and was filled with an immense sense of pride. I knew my mother would have been so proud of me as well.

I was sent to London by the publishers to speak on TV and radio to promote the book. I had worked for the BBC for two years from 1987 to 1989 – including working on EastEnders and All Creatures Great and Small – so I was familiar with television studios. However, being behind the camera was very different to being on it! I have never been keen on being filmed and was initially nervous but it was all part and parcel of being an author and I had to get used to it. It was strange to be talking about myself in that way, but the more I did the easier it was. I found talking about psychopaths fascinating and tried to frame my story around that so victims of other psychopaths could relate to it.

There were about twenty radio shows that wanted to interview me as well as a few TV companies. I had never watched daytime TV so had no idea really of what to expect. The first TV show I did was This Morning with Phil Schofield and Fern Britton. I was picked up by car and welcomed on arrival. It was fun to be treated like a VIP, having my hair and make-up professionally done. I was shown to a delightful Green Room where I met the other interviewees – one of the Cheeky Girls (a Romanian singing duo) who was dating a politician, a boy who had been recovering from anorexia, and Simon Cowell’s girlfriend.

Finally I was taken through to the studio and met Phil and Fern during the commercial break. I had worked with Phil Schofield in 1987 at the tail end of his broom cupboard days at Children’s BBC and commented on this to Phil before we went on air. He very sweetly said he remembered me. It was a nice connection which made me feel more comfortable on live television for the first time. The interview went well and Phil was suitably shocked by my story. All in all it was a good experience.

Shortly afterwards, in August 2007, I was interviewed by another daytime TV host, and it was all very different. I had to get a taxi to the studio and when I arrived they searched me for weapons! I knew something wasn’t right when I had to go through a metal detector to get to the dressing rooms.

There I was, in another TV studio, on a relatively new daytime TV show which I had never heard of before. There was another hair and make-up artist making me presentable, but this time I was put in a private dressing room down a long corridor. At one point I left the dressing room to find a bathroom and was met in the corridor by a man who seemed to be standing guard. He very pointedly asked me where I was going.

‘To the loo,’ I replied.

‘Just stay here. I’ll need to check if they’re being cleaned,’ he said rather gruffly.

That’s when I realised they were keeping the interviewees apart. It didn’t bode well.