The Perfect Girlfriend(15)

This used to be my hiding place. I would take off my shoes and paddle in my bare feet.

They thought I’d instinctively shy away from water after Will. But instead, I found it comforting.

Weeping willows still sweep the water’s edge as a chilly breeze ripples the surface. I sit down on the uneven stones, then I turn back and glance at the main building.

I last sat here on the night of our school leavers summer ball.

Ten years ago.

Fifth-and sixth-formers from other schools – boys too – were invited, coached in from around the county. Rumours swiftly spread that the fruit punch was spiked by sixth-formers who’d shared their alcohol allowance. I sipped mine, even though it tasted like cough medicine, but in the back of my mind I didn’t want to end up behaving stupidly, like my mother, all giggly and crass. I wore a red dress bought with some money Babs had sent me. But, although I looked different on the outside, inside I was still me. I grew bored of feeling insignificant, sitting on a hall chair at the side, next to Claire, so I slunk away from the main building when the supervising teachers weren’t paying attention and walked across the sloping lawn and down to the hidden spot. My throat burned a little and I felt hot. I took off my heels and dipped my feet in the water. The darker grey of approaching night thickened as the temperature dropped slightly. I felt almost happy; soon I’d be free of the place I loathed. A soft breeze brushed my limbs and I felt anonymous, safe and cocooned. I sat down near the edge of the stream, hugging my arms around my knees.

As the light faded further, I had intended to slip back to my dorm and make myself small beneath my duvet, but sliding pebbles and footsteps alerted me to someone else. I stood up quickly, ready to defend myself, but to my astonishment I could just about make out that it was a sixth-form boy, one of the well-known ‘cool’ ones who’d been part of the group of boys who’d clustered around Bella, Stephanie and their gang.

Alone.

I briefly wondered if he’d followed me, but his eyes wore a faraway look and he appeared puzzled at seeing someone else. He’d removed his black tie and two of his shirt buttons were undone. He clutched a glass with his right hand. I sat back down and he joined me, placing his drink on the ground and twisting it in the soil slightly to create a flat-enough surface.

‘Hi,’ he said, as he lit a cigarette, the flame of a match lighting up his face as he did so. He pulled off his shoes and socks with his free hand and wriggled his toes in the water. ‘It’s cold!’

I laughed.

The amber tip of his cigarette glowed. He offered it to me.

I didn’t want to say no, so I took it but only inhaled as gently as I could. I felt my head go light. I struggled for something to say, something that would make him laugh or want to stay here, with me, for slight hope had begun to take hold. Maybe, this evening would turn into something that could change everything.

‘Have you been to many balls or parties?’ I blurted out, inwardly cursing the clumsy, naive-sounding words.

‘Three, this season.’

I couldn’t think how to answer, even though he made me feel like I was worth talking to; that I wasn’t ugly. Or too overweight. My stomach felt hollow. I wished I had brought my drink down here with me.

‘Can I have a sip?’ I asked, pointing at his half-full glass.

‘Of course.’ He lifted it up and held the edge of the glass against my lips.

I took a small sip, then another, bigger one. It tasted better than it had earlier. I shook my head when he offered me another sip. ‘What about you?’

‘I’ve had enough. Why are you out here alone?’

I hesitated. ‘I felt like taking a break. Being with the same people day in, day out, it gets a bit much.’

He laughed. ‘Tell me about it. At least your school is large enough to hide in places like these. And there are loads more pupils than at mine.’

He crushed out his cigarette on the ground and I was surprised at how much light such a little glow had offered as I became acutely aware of the swiftness of the accelerating darkness. Neither of us spoke. I could hear the slight trickle of the water and, much further away, the thud of blaring music but I couldn’t quite make out the track. It struck me how surreal the moment was, like being temporarily removed from my real life.

I don’t know who leaned forward first, but our lips touched and we kissed. He tasted of alcohol and cigarettes.

‘You smell really nice,’ he said as we broke away.

It must have been hairspray because I couldn’t afford perfume and I hadn’t risked stealing any of Bella’s. I leaned forward and took a tiny sip from his glass before replacing it. We kissed again. And then lay down. I felt the soil, stones and moss beneath my back and only momentarily cared about my dress. But then he kissed me harder and I forgot about everything. Nothing else mattered. Time began here. I remember thinking that this was it. He was my ticket to my real life and it was from today onwards that my life would begin afresh. Everything would be all right again.

I gave in to my feelings. I felt protected. It felt right.

When it was over, the whole moment seemed to dim, like a disintegrating shadow in a dream.

‘Have you got any cigarettes?’ he asked. ‘That was my last one.’

‘No,’ I replied, but I desperately wished that I had.

Before we could say much to each other, I heard him pull up his trousers and do up his belt. He put on his shoes. I struggled to gather myself together, my legs felt weak.