The Nowhere Girls(51)

“But you hook up with a lot of guys, right?” Connie says, her voice almost kind.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“But you don’t like it?”

“Sometimes,” Amber says. “But not always.”

“Why would you do it if you don’t like it?”

Amber takes a long time to answer, as if the question was in a foreign language and she is taking time to translate each word. “I don’t know,” she finally says. “I guess it just seems like . . . why wouldn’t I?”

A few almost imperceptible nods around the room. Hate turning into pity turning into something else entirely.

Amber straightens up, turns hard again. “Yeah, so maybe I don’t like it every time. So what? I just don’t think sex is all that special. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“The youth pastor at our church says virginity is like a flower,” says Krista. “Losing your virginity before marriage is like plucking the petals off a flower. No one wants a flower without petals.”

“No offense,” Sam says. “But that’s crap.”

“Amber,” Grace says. “We don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t want to.”

“I think we should stop talking about this entirely,” someone says.

“No,” Sam says. “This is exactly the kind of thing we need to talk about.”

“Well, I think we can all agree,” Lisa says, “if anyone needs to go on a sex strike, it’s Amber.”

“Lisa, stop,” says Melissa.

Lisa motions a zipper closing across her mouth.

“You really think a sex strike is going to make them respect you?” Amber laughs. “You think they could ever respect you? You think they respect any of us? It’s a waste of time trying to get guys to respect you. So I’m using them just like they’re using me. It’s totally equal.”

Somewhere in the shadows, someone whispers, “Poor Amber,” but it is loud enough to make Amber flinch, to remind her why she should never have come here, why she doesn’t belong with these people.

“You know what’s weird?” Connie says. “No one at school talks about Sam being a slut, but she totally sleeps around, right? Why is Amber a slut but Sam is not?”

“I’ve heard people call Sam a slut,” says one of Sam’s drama club friends.

“Thanks,” says Sam.

“But still not as much as Amber, right?” says Connie. “Like, not with as much hatred. Like if you had to choose who was considered a bigger slut by the majority of students at Prescott High School, Amber would win, even though they both have sex with lots of guys.”

“Can we stop using that word? Like right now?” Sam says. “Can we all agree to just stop using that horrible word? I mean, it’s bad enough what guys do, what they say about us. Do we really have to do this shit to each other?”

No one realizes that Amber is gone. They see her still sitting with them, but they do not know about her talent of leaving her body when it gets too painful to stay inside it. She doesn’t want to think about what makes her different from Sam. She doesn’t want to think about the hole inside her that nothing will fill.

“There’s judgment on the other side, too,” Grace says. She clears her throat and looks around the room. She takes a deep breath. “For virgins. For girls who choose to stay virgins. The way we talk about sex sometimes, it’s like we assume everyone’s having it. But we’re not. I’m not.”

“Me neither,” Krista and Trista say in tandem.

“Me neither,” Elise grumbles. “But not willingly.”

“I’m not either,” says someone else. “All the high school boys I know are losers. I’m waiting until I get to college to find someone worthy.”

“I’m still a virgin,” says another girl. “But I am sooo ready not to be. It’s my boyfriend who says he’s not ready.”

“I can’t believe we’re actually talking about this,” says another.

“I’m curious,” Grace says, her voice a little louder. “Who here is still a virgin?” Slowly, hands pop up, one by one, until about half the girls have their hand in the air. “See,” Grace says. “We’re not some weird minority.”

Erin did not raise her hand. She is looking down, into her lap, wringing her hands. Rosina tries to make eye contact, but Erin is trapped inside herself, trying to stay safe.

She didn’t raise her hand.

Rosina feels the floor crumble and fall away, and her heart goes with it. Erin has a secret Rosina never even considered.

“Erin,” Rosina whispers. “What’s going on?” But Erin does not respond.

“Our church tells us to save ourselves until marriage,” Trista says. “But you know what’s weird? It’s really just the girls who are considered damaged if they have sex, not the guys.”

“We’re supposed to be so scared of sex,” Krista says. She looks around the room, takes a deep breath. “And I am. I’m terrified.”

Erin’s eyes are down and she is rocking slightly, her back softly padding the wall behind her. Rosina knows she would have left by now if she wanted to leave. There must be a reason Erin is staying, something safe here despite all these scary words, something contagious in the bravery it takes to say them.