The Nix(17)

“Laura,” says Samuel, who senses his moment now, who feels the insult coalescing and bubbling up, “you do not have a learning disability.”

“Yes, I do.”

“No,” he says, and he pauses dramatically, and he’s sure to pronounce these next words slowly and carefully so that they’re fully heard and comprehended: “You’re just not very smart.”





ARGUMENTUM AD BACULUM


(OR, “APPEALS TO THREATS”)


“I can’t believe you said that!” says Laura, who’s now standing with her bag in hand ready to indignantly walk out of his office.

“It’s true,” says Samuel. “You’re not very smart, and you’re not a very good person either.”

“You cannot say that!”

“You don’t have a learning disability.”

“I could get you fired for that!”

“You need to know this. Somebody needs to tell you.”

“You are so rude!”

And now Samuel notices that the other professors have become aware of all the shouting. Down the corridor, doors are opening, heads are popping out. Three students sitting on the floor surrounded by book bags who might have been working on some group project are now staring at him. His shame-aversion instincts kick in and he does not feel at all as brave as he did a moment ago. When he talks now, his voice is about thirty decibels lower and a little mousey.

“I think it’s time for you to go,” he says.





ARGUMENTUM AD CRUMENAM


(OR, “APPEALS TO WEALTH”)


Laura stomps out of his office and into the hallway, then pivots and yells at him: “I pay tuition here! I pay good money! I pay your salary and you can’t treat me like this! My father gives lots of money to this school! Like more than you make in a year! He’s a lawyer and he’s going to sue you! You just took this to a whole nother level! I am going to own you!”

And with that she pivots again and stomps away and turns the corner and disappears.

Samuel closes his door. Sits down. Stares at his potted windowsill plant—a pleasant little gardenia that’s presently looking droopy. He picks up the mister and squirts the plant a few times, the squirting making this slight honking noise like a small duck.

What is he thinking? He’s thinking that he’s likely going to cry now. And Laura Pottsdam will probably indeed get him fired. And there’s still an odor in his office. And he’s wasted his life. And oh how he hates that word nother.





5


“HELLO?”

“Hello! May I please speak with Mr. Samuel Andresen-Anderson please?”

“That’s me.”

“Professor Andresen-Anderson, sir. I’m glad I reached you. This is Simon Rogers—”

“Actually I go by Anderson.”

“Sir?”

“Samuel Anderson. That’s it. The whole hyphenated thing is kind of a mouthful.”

“Of course, sir.”

“Who is this?”

“As I was saying, sir, this is Simon Rogers from the law offices of Rogers and Rogers. We’re in Washington, D.C. Maybe you’ve heard of us? We specialize in high-profile politically motivated crime. I’m calling on behalf of your mother.”

“Excuse me?”

“High-profile crime usually of a righteous left-leaning nature, you understand. What I mean is, did you hear about those people who chained themselves to trees? They were our clients. Or for example certain actions taken against whaling ships and then broadcast on cable television—that, sir, would be something right in our strike zone. Or a run-in with a Republican officeholder that’s seen by millions online, if you catch my drift. We defend political actors, provided the media coverage warrants it, of course.”

“Did you say something about my mother?”

“Your mother, sir, yes. I am defending your mother against the state’s action against her, having taken over the case, sir, from the Chicago Public Defender’s Office, you see.”

“The state’s action?”

“I’ll be representing her interests both in court and in the press at least until the fund runs out, which is something that maybe we should discuss in the future, sir, but not today, uncouth as it is to bring up money so early in our relationship.”

“I don’t understand. What fund? Why is she in the press? Did she ask you to call me?”

“Which of those questions, sir, would you like me to address first?”

“What is going on?”

“Well, sir, as you’re aware, sir, your mother has been charged with assault and battery. And because of the, well, let’s be frank, the overwhelming evidence against her, sir, she’ll likely be pleading and taking a deal.”

“My mother assaulted someone?”

“Oh, well, okay, let’s back up. I assumed you’d already heard, sir.”

“Heard what?”

“About your mother.”

“How would I know anything about my mother?”

“It was on the news.”

“I don’t watch the news.”

“It was on the local news, cable news, the national news, newspapers, wire services, and many of the comedy and talk shows as well.”